


Into your darkest hour

by MarmOTeen



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Abortion, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:22:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 45,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27021940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarmOTeen/pseuds/MarmOTeen
Summary: Season 4 canon-divergent. In the aftermath of the Green attack, Anna spirals down as she must deal with the consequences.
Relationships: Anna Bates/John Bates
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, there we go for a new story. I warn everyone that we will be travelling down a very dark road, so be prepared. The beginning is canon-compliant, so there will be plenty of lines from the show, that of course belong to Ceasar ;)

Chapter 1

_ Downstairs _

She lay on the cold hard floor, feeling completely numb. Curled up in a ball, her body heavy like a stone, her lungs barely able to breathe, like she was buried under a ton of gravel. At that precise moment, she wished the stone floor would swallow her and she could disappear into peace and nothingness. In the space of twenty minutes, her world had been torn apart. The person she was, the happy life she had, they no longer existed. Her soul had been ripped out and broken into smithereens, and she was left the empty shell of her old self.

* * *

_ Half an hour earlier,  upstairs _

The whole family, their guests and all the servants were gathered in the Great Hall, listening to Dame Nellie Melba. Anna was sitting next to her husband. She frowned a little and whispered quietly:

\- Got a bit of a headache.

\- Because of the singing? he asked in the same quiet tone.

\- Well, it’s not making it any better. It was probably all that shouting in the game. And I’ll thank you not to comment, she added after a second’s silence, with a pointed look towards her husband.

He shot her a knowing smile. She had gotten a bit carried away by excitement during that card game earlier. They had had a bit of a row on the subject.

\- I’ll pop down and get something, she said.

As the song ended and the audience applauded, she got up and made her way to the stairs leading to the Servants’ Hall. As she was leaving the Great Hall, she didn’t notice the man’s gaze, filled with lust, that was following her.

* * *

_ Downstairs _

In a blur, she heard his voice as he was straightening his clothes:

\- I had a lovely time Mrs Bates. I hope you enjoyed having a real man for once.

And the door closed behind him, as tears silently fell from her eyes onto the floor. When her brain finally started to unfreeze, her first conscious thought was for her husband. She could not have him find her in that state. She winced as she sat up on the floor. She looked down at her damaged dress. She had to pull it down to cover her legs, because the man had brought it up above her waist. She was naked under the dress, and looking around she saw her torn and discarded underwear under the table. She slowly raised her hands in front of her and saw the cuts and bruises on them. She then touched her face and her fingers became bloody when they brushed over her lips. She moaned when she touched the back of her head and met the bump that had formed where her head had hit the stone floor. Panic rose inside her. She had to hide somewhere. No one, especially John, could see her like that. She thought of locking herself in a bathroom, but how would she find some clothes to replace her wasted dress? What if she sneaked outside and ran to the cottage? But her bruised body reminded her that she was not fit to run, and the thought of being alone outside in the darkness in a torn dress made her shiver. She didn’t see how she could get out of this situation without telling at least one person. She concluded that the only person she could confide into was Mrs Hughes. She trusted that the woman would not betray her if she asked her not to tell anyone. She slowly got up, peeked outside the boot room door to check that the hallway was empty. Everybody was still upstairs attending the concert. She sneaked out and walked as fast as she could towards Mrs Hughes’s parlor. She gritted her teeth at the pain that shot from her thighs and lower belly as she hurried down the corridor. She sighed when she pushed the door and found that it was not locked. She entered, closed the door behind her, and crumbled in a corner behind the cabinet, folding her legs under herself and closing her arms around her frame. She was glad to let darkness swallow her whole.

* * *

_ Upstairs _

John bent slightly towards Mrs Hughes and said with a half-smile:

\- I wonder what she’s doing. Maybe she’s fallen asleep.

\- Well, she wouldn’t get much sleep up here, that’s for sure, answered the Housekeeper.

As she finished her sentence, she turned her head to the left and noticed the man coming back to his seat, straightening his jacket.

* * *

_ Downstairs _

Mrs Hughes’s high spirits fell down right away when she entered her sitting-room, put the light on, and heard:

\- Shut the door!

\- My God, she gasped at the sight of Anna crouched behind her cabinet.

\- Shut the door! repeated Anna frantically. Will you help me? Will you find me some clothes?

\- Yes of course I will, but…

\- Will you see to Lady Mary, cut Anna, say I’ve gone home with a headache…

\- I can manage Lady Mary, but Anna… we must tell someone!

\- No! No!

\- But you have to tell M. Bates!

\- Him least of all! If he knew he’d murder the man who’s done it and then he’d be hanged!

\- But surely…

\- He’s a convicted felon! Do you think they’ll spare him a second time? No…

Mrs Hughes was thinking fast.

\- Maybe the doctor’s still here.

She turned around towards the door, but Anna grabbed her arm with a desperate look on her face.

\- Will you listen? I need your help, or I wouldn’t have told you! Nobody else must ever know! You promise me?

Mrs Hughes clearly was not convinced, but in the end she nodded, and said, stroking her cheek and putting the bloody hair away from her face:

\- Wait here, I’ll fetch you some water, and a comb, and see what I can find in the way of a dress…

* * *

\- What’s the matter? asked John, concerned.

\- Nothing, she answered uncomfortably. I just feel like walking on my own, that’s all.

\- Anna? Anna! John called desperately after her as she walked away in the darkness, crying.

She couldn’t be near him, she couldn’t bear his touch, his worried solicitude. She felt that he would notice how dirty and ruined she was. That was how she felt anyway. When the man had showed up down the hall a few moments earlier and said goodnight and thank you as if nothing had happened, she thought she was going to throw up right there. She didn’t know how she had managed to hold herself together. She walked to the cottage as fast as she could, ignoring the pain filling her body. When she got there, she quickly unlocked the door, and went directly upstairs to the bathroom without turning the downstairs lights on. She locked herself in the bathroom and started running a bath. She scrubbed her body frantically, trying to get rid of that filthy feeling, but it didn’t work. She only managed to make her bruises and cuts even more painful. She broke into tears sitting in the bathtub, bringing her knees to her chest and circling them with her arms, hiding her head into her lap. She startled when she heard John knock lightly on the bathroom door.

\- Anna? Are you alright?

\- Yes, yes, I’m fine, she said while brushing the tears off her cheeks.

She dried herself, put her nightgown on, and unlocked the bedroom. John was changing, facing away from her, so she slipped quickly into her side of the bed, lay herself on the very edge of the bed facing the wall, pulled the blanket as high as she could over herself and pretended to be asleep.

She felt the bed move when John climbed into it. He looked at her, wondering what on earth had befallen on his wife so that she should act so weird tonight.

\- Are you sure you’re alright my darling? Is this headache still bothering you? he asked tenderly.

\- Yes, she mumbled, that’s the headache.

\- Oh. I hope you’ll feel better in the morning. Try to sleep. Goodnight love.

\- Goodnight.

Though she knew that she would probably not sleep a wink, and would surely not feel better in the morning.

Indeed, when morning finally came, she had had very few moments of dozing out of exhaustion, but she still felt terrible. She had spent the whole night reliving those fateful moments, wondering how she would handle the next days and especially John. She was deeply convinced that the moment he would learn about this, he would go and murder the culprit. She had to avoid that at all costs. What if she found herself pregnant? She shivered at that thought, and tried to convince herself that it would not happen. After all, she had not become pregnant in all the months since John had been released, so why should it happen now? She tried to put that thought away. She crept out of bed before their alarm clock rang, and once again locked herself in the bathroom. She looked at her face in the mirror and saw the extent of the damage from the night before. There was no way this would go unnoticed in the Servants’ Hall. She wanted to take another bath and scrub herself again, but she knew that would wake John up and she didn’t want that. So she only washed herself at the sink with a flannel, got dressed and sneaked silently out of the cottage.

* * *

-Why didn’t you wait for me?

Anna was in the boot room, trying to get her anxiety out by angrily brushing a pair of shoes when she heard the hurt and worry in John’s voice.

\- I wanted to finish these before breakfast.

\- Is it something I’ve done?

\- No. Not anything. Nobody’s done anything.

Moments later, she had fled the Servants’ Hall, to avoid the other’s scrutiny. Of course Thomas had noticed the bruises on her face. The only available chair was next to the man, and she had tried to sit there and pretend everything was fine, but she couldn’t. Anyway her stomach was so tightly knotted, she couldn’t eat anything.

\- How was Anna when you lent her that dress yesterday? whispered Bates to Mrs Hughes.

\- How should she be? she answered, trying to sound casual. Anna had asked her not to tell, so she was not going to spill it.

\- She told me she’d fallen and cut her lip, but I wondered if it might be more serious than that. She’s always one to minimize things.

\- I’m sure I don’t know anything you don’t know, she lied.

She could see that he was not fooled. Mr Bates knew his wife well and loved her very deeply. Of course he could sense that something was wrong. She wondered how long Anna would be able to conceal what had happened.

All day long she tried to appear her usual self, but apparently she was doing quite poorly. After her husband, it was Lady Mary who worried and inquired about her well-being. Those two knew her too well not to notice her lack of smile and chatter. She was going to have to try harder. Anyway she welcomed the upcoming trip to London, at least to be away from John’s repeated questions.

At the end of the day, she entered Mrs Hughes's parlor. When Mr Carson had left, she stood in front of the Housekeeper, nervously rubbing her hands together.

\- When I get back from London, I want to move back upstairs.

\- What? gasped Mrs Hughes. Why for heaven’s sake?

\- Because I can’t…

She pursed her lips together as tears were threatening to spill, while she kept twisting her wedding band.

\- I can’t let him touch me.

\- But whatever happened was not Mr Bates’s fault surely?

\- Of course not. He is without fault, and that’s the point. I’m not good enough for him, not now.

\- Oh, why say that?

\- Because I think that somehow I… I must have made it happen!

\- Oh stuff and nonsense! You were attacked by an evil, violent man, there’s no sin in that!

\- But I feel dirty! I can’t let him touch me, because I’m soiled.

\- Anna, I’ve been thinking, said Mrs Hughes pointedly, taking both Anna’s hands into her own and squeezing them. We must go to the police.

\- No.

She knew how these things worked. Women were never believed. She was not going to bring shame upon her husband and the Grantham family.

\- But suppose you’re with child? What will you do then?

\- I’ll kill myself!

She had gone over that question over and over since the attack, and she couldn’t see any other way around. There was no way she could bear that man’s child, and no way she could ask John to raise that child.

\- I won’t hear any of that! replied Mrs Hughes. No man should be able to do what he did and get away with it.

\- And when Mr Bates has killed him, will you come with me to the prison when my husband is hanged?

\- But the poor man’s heart is breaking for not knowing…

\- Better a broken heart that a broken neck, she said stubbornly. So, can I have a room please?


	2. Chapter 2

She was in London when she felt her first suicidal impulse. They were at the train station, waiting for the train that was to bring them back to Downton. As the train entered the station, thoughts suddenly invaded her brain of how it would feel to let herself fall on the tracks in front of the train, and be free of all this suffering. Then she thought of the mess that would make. She would probably appear in the newspapers, and she didn’t want to attract that kind of attention on the family and on John. If she had to do that, she would have to find a quiet mean and place. She was still lost in herself, her body frozen, when she heard Lady Mary’s annoyed voice calling:

\- Anna! Anna! What are you doing for God’s sake! The train is about to leave! Hurry up!

\- I… I’m sorry m’lady… she stuttered, shaking herself up and walking towards her car.

Mrs Hughes had advised her to “take a break from it” while she was in London, but it had proved impossible. She barely ate and slept, spending hours staring at the blank wall of her little room under the roofs, tears flowing freely. When she finally managed to fall asleep for a short time, she woke up sweating, screaming and thrashing in her bed, in the middle of a nightmare in which she relived invariably what the man had done to her. The fear of a pregnancy was occupying her every waking thought, even though she knew that her period was not due for another ten days at least. How would she survive that long without knowing… She kept turning that in her head, going over the days since her last cycle, and kept getting to the conclusion that if a child there was, it couldn’t be John’s. A large lump seemed to have moved in her throat as a permanent resident. She prayed fervently and desperately every morning and every evening, kneeling beside her bed, for it not to happen.

* * *

Three weeks after the attack, after yet another sleepless night, Anna was preparing for her day in her little room in the Abbey’s servant’s quarter. She looked terrible, with dark patches under her eyes, and her face felt like it had forgotten how to smile. She had developed a washing compulsion, and her hands were red and raw from dozens of daily scrubbing. Her intimate parts were no better, as she sneaked out to the bathrooms three to four times a day to wash herself up, even if it did nothing to make that dirty feeling go away. She had lost weight from not eating, and she didn’t really know how she managed to keep going every day. Every morning brought the same conclusion, getting worse day after day. She was late. She was usually never late. For a few days she had tried to reason herself, putting it on the lack of sleep or the anxiety, but it was more than a week now.

At the end of the stairs, like every morning, John was patiently waiting for her. It still broke her heart that he kept trying to reach out to her. How could she make him understand that she was worthless now, that he should just leave her alone…

\- I don’t know why you always wait for me. There’s no need.

\- Because I want to be the first to greet you every morning.

\- Well as I said, there’s no need, she repeated harshly.

“Better a broken heart than a broken neck”, she kept repeating to herself as a mantra.

\- There’s every need. And I will keep it up until you explain to me what has gone wrong between us.

\- Explain what?

\- My life is perfect, and then in the space of one day, it is nothing. To me, that requires an explanation.

Fortunately for Anna, Ms Baxter, Lady Grantham’s new lady’s maid interrupted.

\- Hello Mr Bates, Mrs Bates, I wondered if you’d help me.

\- We will if we can, answered John kindly.

While they were chatting about Ms Baxter’s sewing machine, Anna’s gaze stayed unfocused. It took all her strength not to burst into tears and fall into John’s arms at that very moment.

\- What do you make of her? asked John, bringing her back to the here and now.

\- She seems nice, she said, not really caring.

As she went searching for Mrs Hughes, as Bates had advised her, Ms Baxter couldn’t help wondering at the tension she had felt between the two of them. Before she arrived at Downton, Thomas had written to her, describing the characters of all her future co-workers. He had called the Bateses “sickening lovebirds” and Anna “Little Miss Perfect”, always smiling and kind. However it was not really the picture she had witnessed since she had arrived. Mrs Bates was nervous and subdued all the time, she looked awful, kept skipping meals and clearly the two of them were not on the best of terms. Anyway, she was still new here, trying to do her best to fit in, and she was not a nosy person despite the role that Thomas wanted her to endorse, so she walked away and went on with her day.

* * *

Later on, as everyone was gathered in the Servants’ Hall, chatting about the sewing machine, Anna had once more given John a cold shoulder. Mrs Hughes, frowning, tried to make an excuse to John, and followed Anna down the corridor.

\- Anna!

Anna turned around as Mrs Hughes gestured her to enter her sitting-room. When she had closed the door after the two of them, the Housekeeper told her sternly:

\- I don’t know why you must be so hard on Mr Bates. At least you know now, there’ll be… no baby.

Anna looked down and mumbled:

\- No…

She didn't really know why she lied to Mrs Hughes at that very moment. Maybe telling it to someone else was making it too real. Maybe she was too ashamed to tell. Maybe she felt she would disappoint the woman who was like a mother to her.

\- Then can’t you start to get past it? And tell him something?

\- He’d know if it wasn’t the truth. He sees through me. He can read me like a book.

\- I wish he could read you, and take you out of this vale of shadows. Don’t you want to be honest with him?

\- Of course I do. But I know him. I know what he’d do. I can’t risk his future.

\- Well it’s your secret and not mine. But I think it’s a mistake.

* * *

\- It’s strange, standing here next to you in silence, said John to Anna as she was once more taking her nerves on a pair of Lady Mary’s shoes. Because I love you. And I want to find out why you don’t love me anymore. You’d think we could talk about it, but apparently not.

His words were like a blade going through her fragile heart. If only he knew that all she was doing was only _because_ she loved him so much.

\- But I don’t…

She stopped in mid-sentence, not knowing what to say without giving herself away.

\- I’m going into Ripon this afternoon, to get some things for Lady Mary. If they miss me, I’ll be back before the gong.

Disappointed that once more his attempt to make her talk had failed, he sighed and answered:

\- Well, at least I know you’ll be back before the gong.

As she exited the boot room, she bumped into Ms Baxter.

\- Oh, Mrs Bates, I heard you were going to Ripon this afternoon? Do you mind if I come with you? I have some errands to run for her Ladyship.

Anna hesitated for a moment. She was not very keen on having company these days, but then she didn’t want to be rude, so she shrugged and answered:

\- Yes, if you want to…

* * *

The two women had taken the bus to Ripon in near silence. Ms Baxter’s every attempt at conversation had fallen flat, earning only monosyllables from Anna, so she had let it go. When they were in town, they went through a few shops together, then separated as Ms Baxter wanted to go to a bookshop that Anna didn’t need to visit. Left alone in the streets, Anna walked without a goal, until she found herself standing in front of the Cathedral. She entered the empty church, and knelt in a quiet bench in a secluded part. She bent over, her forehead touching her joined hands, and sent the most fervent prayer above. “Lord please, don’t burden me with a child from that man. They say you don’t send us any burden that we cannot bear, but I can’t bear that. I’m not strong enough. I’m so sorry. I know I must have sinned badly for you to test me that way. I’ll do better, I’ll try. But please set me free. My husband, he doesn’t deserve that. He’s a righteous man. Please don’t inflict that on us. Or let me die…”

Her face was wet with tears when she got up again. Usually, praying made her feel better, filled her with renewed strength and faith in the future. Today there was only emptiness. She felt the God she trusted had given up on her. She thought bitterly how this should have been the happiest moment of her life, and how that man had stolen her whole future from her, only for a few minutes of his own pleasure.

Outside the church, she started wandering again, until she found herself standing on the brink of the river Skell. She stopped on the edge of the bank, looking at the deep waters. There had been heavy rains on the day before, and the flow was strong. That would release her, she thought. She didn’t know how to swim, so if she just let herself fall into the river, that’d be the end of it. No more fear and suffering. Only peace and freedom. Her heart raced as she spared a thought for her husband. She didn’t want to hurt him, and killing herself would surely shatter him. But how on earth was she supposed to tell him that she was pregnant from another man, who had taken her against her will… “Better a broken heart than a broken neck”, she thought once more in her distressed mind. Her feet came one step closer from the edge, despair taking her over. She closed her eyes and thought “Please forgive me my love…”, when a firm hand closed around her wrist and pulled her back. She startled as Ms Baxter’s voice reached her foggy brain:

\- Mrs Bates! I’ve been looking for you everywhere! What on earth are you doing?!

She gasped as Anna turned her tears-stained face to her and whispered:

\- Please… Help me…, as she collapsed into her arms, sobbing.

Ms Baxter had lead Anna to a nearby bench, and patiently waited for her to stop crying. It seemed a long time to her, until she finally calmed down a bit.

\- So, Mrs Bates. Or should I call you Anna, when we’re in private?

Anna nodded.

\- Alright. And you can call me Phyllis. What is going on? Is your husband making trouble for you? she tried, hinting from what she had witnessed at the Abby.

Anna shook her head vigorously.

\- No… He hasn’t done anything wrong… It’s me… I’m ruined… she said, sobbing harder than ever.

\- Now, ssshhh, said Phyllis, squeezing her hand. It can’t be as bad as that. Tell me.

\- Oh yes, it is! replied Anna. I’m pregnant. Not from John.

\- Oh…, Phyllis gasped.

\- I was not willing! Anna cried. Please believe me, I did not cheat on my husband, I would never do that, he forced himself on me!

\- I do believe you Anna, said Phyllis reassuringly.

She briefly closed her eyes, unwelcome memories invading her mind. She did know too well how Anna felt right now. She understood how falling into the river could have seemed appealing.

\- I know, she only said.

Anna straightened up and looked at Phyllis’s face.

\- You do?

\- Yes. I do. But let’s talk about you right now, she added, putting her memories away. Does your husband know any of this?

\- No… He doesn’t know anything. And I don’t want him to know. He would want to avenge me, he would kill the man. I don’t want him to hang.

\- Alright… But, how can you be so sure that the child is not his? she asked.

\- I know, answered Anna. It can’t be.

Phyllis sighed, and did not press for any more details.

\- If you want, I can help you deal with this pregnancy. Get rid of it, she continued after a second’s silence. I know someone here in Ripon who does that.

Anna shivered at that thought. Doing such a thing when she had dreamt of a child for so many years… How ironic… Besides, it was illegal, and dangerous. But what choice did she have? She nodded to Phyllis:

\- Yes, please, she whispered, wiping her face.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Baxter led Anna through Ripon to a discreet shop in a little street. The sign above the door said “Herbalist”. Anna hesitated before entering.

\- Er… How do you know about this person? she asked Baxter. Is it safe?

After a short silence, Baxter answered:

\- I have used her services a few years ago. As for safety, you know as well as I do about the risks. For me it went well. It’s your choice. We don’t have to go if you’re not sure.

Anna closed her eyes and sighed. From where she was, she didn’t really care about the possible consequences. After all, she had been that close to taking her own life only half an hour before. How could it be worse? She shrugged:

\- I have to do something. I can’t go on like that, I am losing my mind. Alright, let’s go.

As they went in, they found themselves face to face with an old man.

\- Hello ladies, how can I help? asked the man.

Anna was unsure what to say, having expected to find a woman. She turned to Baxter, silently asking for her help. Baxter took the lead.

\- Hello sir, we are looking for Mrs Owens.

The man made a knowing face.

\- Oh. I see. Janet! he bellowed towards the back of the shop.

Anna felt her cheeks burn from shame. A short and plump middle-aged woman appeared in the back door frame.

\- Those lasses want to see you, said the man, pointing to Anna and Phyllis.

The woman eyed them from head to toe, and made a head gesture for them to follow her to the back room. When the door was closed behind the three of them, she asked in a business-like tone:

\- So, which one of you requires my services?

\- Me… whispered Anna, looking down.

\- And what’s your name, Missie?

Anna hesitated a split-second before answering:

\- … Ethel. Ethel Smith.

Mrs Owens looked at her in a way that told her she was not fooled about this being her real name. She looked down to Anna’s hand and said:

\- I see you’re married, so what’s the problem? Have too many already?

Anna shook her head. She had never felt so ashamed in her whole life.

\- No… It’s… It’s not my husband’s…

\- I see, said the woman.

\- I have been forced! said Anna in a desperate attempt to justify herself.

\- Oh, I guess, sneered the woman. You girls have all been unwilling.

Anna could feel that the woman did not believe her. She opened her mouth to explain further, but Mrs Owens waved her hand dismissively.

\- I don’t care about your private life, girl. How far along are you?

\- Not much. I’m only ten days late.

\- Alright, so that should be quite easy.

She turned around and collected a potion on a shelf behind her.

\- You’ll take one spoonful of this morning and evening, until you start bleeding. Then go on for two days, and stop.

\- And what if it doesn’t work? asked Anna.

\- You come back to me in a month. Then we’ll have to resort to more radical means.

Anna shivered at what the woman was implying. She dearly hoped she wouldn't have to go through that.

\- Alright, thank you.

She extended her hand to take the potion, but Mrs Owens took it away.

\- That’ll be two pounds, “Ethel”.

Anna gasped. She didn’t have enough money with her. Two pounds was a big amount of money for a Lady’s maid, and she usually didn’t go wander in town with that kind of sum. She turned to Baxter and whispered very low, since she didn’t want the woman to hear her employer’s name:

\- Oh Lord, I only have Lady Mary’s money, I can’t spend it here!

\- Wait, said Baxter looking through her purse.

She handed the woman two one-pound coins, and Mrs Owens finally gave the bottle to Anna. When they were back on the street, Anna said to Baxter:

\- Thank you so much. I’ll give them back to you as soon as we get back to the Abbey.

\- Speaking of which, we should hurry or we’ll be late for the gong, said Baxter.

\- God, yes, replied Anna looking at her watch.

As they were quickly walking to the bus stop, Anna added:

\- Thank you for today Phyllis. I think you just saved my life. I was going to jump into the river. Oh Lord, I never thought I’d have to do that… John and I, we wanted a child so much…

Her voice began to break at the thought. Her eyes were again welling up with tears as she continued:

\- That man… he’s stolen everything from me. From us…

Baxter looked up to her:

\- And… couldn’t you just tell your husband the child is his?

Anna made a frown and shook her head:

\- Oh, no! I couldn’t live all my life with this lie… I could never look him in the eyes. He’d know. And besides… I don’t want this child! I want my husband’s child! she cried. I just can’t imagine looking into this child’s face and seeing my attacker every single day. I can’t do that. It’s just too much.

\- I understand, said Baxter, squeezing Anna’s arm.

* * *

They got back to the Abbey just in time for the gong, which was convenient to Anna because she avoided talking to John before heading up to help Lady Mary. During the servant’s tea, John kept looking at her with worried and sad eyes, and she kept pointedly looking the other way.

During the upstairs dinner, when John was not around, she sneaked outside to make a quick trip to the cottage. She wanted to grab some money to pay Baxter back, and she had none in her room at the Abbey. When she entered the cottage, looking around at the place where she had spent so many happy nights with John, despair hit her hard. She had not been here since she had moved back into the Abbey after her London trip. She slumbered on the armchair, her head hidden in her hands, and sobbed harshly. She just wanted her life back. Her life, her home, her body, her husband. Everything she held dear had been stolen from her, and she felt it was so unfair, when the man just went on with his life undeterred. After a while, she straightened up, and went to the bathroom to wash her face. She couldn’t be away from the Abbey too long, or they would start looking for her. She quickly went through the cabinet and took out the box where they kept their money. She took two pounds, hoping John wouldn’t notice the missing sum, and hid them into her pocket.

Just as she was about to leave, her heart skipped a beat as she heard the outside door open and close. John was standing in the hallway. She sighed, knowing she was in for yet another painful moment.

\- Anna… started John, hopefully.

\- I have to go back, she cut. I just wanted to come fetch something I needed.

She started walking towards the door.

\- Anna, please! What is wrong with you, tell me, I beg you!

She stopped, and turned halfway, not looking at him.

\- There’s nothing wrong with me, she answered stubbornly.

\- Come on Anna, you’re not fooling me. I’m not stupid nor blind! I can see you’ve just been crying. Look, he went on, reaching for her hand, which she immediately took away. I don’t want to pester you, but I really wished you would talk to me. I’m your husband, I love you, you know you can tell me anything…

Oh no, she thought. There were things she couldn’t tell. _That_ , she couldn’t tell. She turned away, whispering:

\- I must get back. Lady Mary will be needing me shortly.

\- Anna… pleaded John as she went out of the cottage.

Left alone in the cottage, it was his turn to crumble down into the armchair and let his tears fall.

* * *

Anna started taking the potion twice daily as Mrs Owens had instructed. For several days, it earned her sharp belly aches, but nothing more. No blood was coming. She was getting more worried every day. That morning, she was helping Lady Mary dress when a particularly intense pain made her wince. Lady Mary noticed:

\- Anna? Are you alright?

\- I’m fine m’lady.

Lady Mary did not seem convinced, and after a few second’s silence, she added:

\- Anna, if you’re in difficulties, I wish you’d tell me.

Facing away from her employer, Anna answered:

\- I’m not m’lady. Honestly. Just women’s stuff, you know.

\- Maybe you should see Dr Clarkson, suggested the Lady.

\- Oh no, don’t worry, I’ll be fine.

She took Lady Mary’s nightgown and turned back to her:

\- Will that be all m’lady?

Lady Mary sighed, and replied:

\- Yes, Anna, thank you.

She looked at her maid as she silently went out of the room. Anna had been acting odd for several weeks now, and although she had meant to let her sort out whatever it was on her own at first, she was getting worried. She cared for Anna, and she saw her wasting away a little more every day. And what with her moving back into the house… There was definitely something going on there. She thought to herself that she might talk to Mrs Hughes about Anna, if things didn’t get better soon.

* * *

Later in the day, John was alone in the servant’s Hall, reading a book, or at least trying, which was proving challenging, as his thoughts kept going back to his wife’s inexplicable behavior. Anna entered the Hall and made it straight to the daily book to check something. She didn’t spare a look for John. When she was done, she turned around and started going away, still not acknowledging his presence, when he said:

\- What is it? Can’t you even bear to be in the same room as me now?

She stopped in her tracks, and answered, her gaze still fixed on the ground:

\- How many times must I say it? You’ve done nothing wrong.

\- Well you’ve done something wrong, he replied, somewhat harshly.

Her eyes shot up to his, hurt written on her face:

\- What do you mean?

\- You’re breaking my heart!

She thought she was going to crumble down, when Baxter came in and called out to her:

\- Mrs Bates? I wondered if you would give me a hand with the Lady’s maid iron, I just cannot seem to get the trick of it.

\- Of course, she whispered, and left following Baxter, without looking back.

When the two women were alone in the laundry room, Baxter started explaining to Anna the problem she had encountered with the iron, when Anna suddenly burst into tears. Baxter stopped in mid-sentence and took Anna’s hand into hers:

\- Oh Anna, what’s the matter?

Anna sniffed:

\- It’s John… He just said I was breaking his heart. And I know I am, and it breaks my heart too…

Baxter sighed.

\- Are you really sure you could not talk to him?

\- No! No! I have to protect him, I know he would go after the man and kill him. He would hang. You weren’t there in those days, but he has a criminal record. No, I have to be strong, she said, her whole body shaking.

\- Alright… And… has it worked? … You know? asked Baxter.

Anna shook her head as new tears fell down.

\- No… not yet. I keep getting these pains, but nothing’s coming.

Baxter briefly closed her eyes. She felt so bad for her friend, for whom nothing seemed to go right. In her own time, it had worked right away, and she had been freed rather quickly.

\- Well, I guess you have to keep trying… she said passing her hand warmly an Anna’s arm.

\- Yes, I will, answeredAnna. There’s nothing else I can do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe you recognized the "You're breaking my heart scene", it's from a season 4 deleted scene I found on You Tube


	4. Chapter 4

A month had passed, and not much had changed for Anna. She still slept at the Abbey, and John had seemed to resolve to waiting for her whenever she would want to come back, as each and every attempt of his to make her talk had ended in failure. Mrs Hughes’s efforts had not been more successful, and Anna had still not informed her of her pregnancy. Baxter was still the only person knowing about that.

Mrs Owens’s potion had not worked. After two weeks of taking it twice daily, Anna had even tried taking it three times a day, and despite giving her even worse stomach pains, nothing more had happened. The bottle was now empty.

Anna and John both looked miserable, and barely talked to each other. Everyone downstairs had noticed, but no one dared comment. It was the elephant in the middle of the servants’ Hall. Anna had not yet gone back to see Mrs Owens. She was feeling more numb every day, like she was in some kind of denial. Although she knew the pregnancy was going on, she couldn’t find the strength to act further. Mrs Owens’s words from last time, “more radical means”, filled her with dread. She still thought frequently about taking her own life. Whenever her mind strayed from any task she was performing, or at night during her long sleepless hours, she found herself pondering how she could manage it.

One morning, Mr Carson entered the servants’ Hall and boomed:

\- Breaking news! His Lordship is going to America!

Bates jerked his head up:

\- What?

\- A telegram just arrived. Something has happened to her Ladyship’s brother. He’s leaving today.

Bates’s eyes searched for Anna’s, who was sitting across the table doing some sewing. She was keeping focused on her work, as if she had not heard anything. Her mind was racing. She suspected that John would try to get out of this trip and stay here for her. But she wanted him to go away. His constant worried watching and attempted solicitude felt suffocating and she sometimes thought she was going to choke. She thought him being away for a while would do her good, and give her time to deal with her issues a bit more freely. Having finished mending Lady Mary's blouse, she got up to put it back into her wardrobe.

Later in the day, she was scrubbing some shoes in the boot room. She had been thinking about the trip all day. She felt she had to play it clever so that John would accept to go. Bates entered and said:

\- There you are. I need to talk to you about this trip. I won’t go, if you need me to stay.

\- I see. So you’ll leave His Lordship in the lurch, and probably lose your job, and all this to help me.

She inhaled, and offered him her best fake smile. He was taken aback, not having seen her smile for weeks.

\- Look John. I think being apart for a little while would do us good, as a matter of fact. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the time being. There are things I need to sort out for myself, but they are my own issues, you can’t help me there. That way, when you’re back, we can make a fresh start.

Bates looked unconvinced:

\- Are you sure?

She nodded, and forced herself to take his hand:

\- Yes John. I’m sure. It’s a great opportunity for you! Going to New York!

\- I really don’t care about New York. I care about you.

\- I know. And I’ll be fine. I promise.

\- Alright… he said reluctantly. Do you allow me to write to you while I’m away?

\- Of course. Now go home and pack.

She let go of his hand and got out of the boot room.

Three hours later, the whole staff was gathered around the front door for Lord Grantham’s departure. As he was saying his goodbyes to his mother, his wife and his daughter, Bates, having secured the luggage, went back to Anna.

\- Are you sure you’ll be alright darling?

\- Of course. Anyway it’s too late now, she said with a small smile. Enjoy your trip.

She extended her hand, and he tenderly squeezed it.

\- Goodbye Anna. I love you.

* * *

In the following days, Anna missed her husband, but found that she breathed a little more freely knowing she didn’t risk bumping into him and sustaining his worried looks anywhere at anytime. Unfortunately it did nothing to bring her appetite back or tame the nightmares that were still plaguing her every night.

The staff was sitting around the large table in the servants’ Hall, when a voice interrupted the ongoing chatter:

\- I think this is the right place.

Mrs Hughes looked up and her face froze.

\- Well, if it isn’t Mr Gillingham, said happily Mr Molesley. Welcome back. Pull up a chair and sit down.

\- I suppose you’ve come back to shake us up again? asked Mrs Patmore.

\- Will there be any Racing Demon this time Mr Gillingham? added Jimmy.

\- Depends if you’re up to it, answered Green. But I expect you’ve all got things to do.

That was when Anna entered the servants’ Hall, calling after Baxter:

\- Miss Baxter, I wondered if you could…

Green turned around and she froze in mid-sentence. She felt like she had received a punch in her stomach. What the hell was he doing her? Across the table, Mrs Hughes was eyeing Anna with worry. And Mr Bates was away across the ocean…

\- If I could what? asked Baxter.

Anna came back to her senses and finished her sentence:

\- If you could let me have some white thread. I seem to have run out.

\- Of course, answered Baxter.

Anna took Baxter’s hand and turned around, pulling her away from the servants’ Hall. There, chatter went on, as Molesley asked:

\- Well, go on, Gillingham. What have you been up to since we saw you last?

Mrs Hughes got up from the table, a disapproving look on her face.

Anna entered the boot room, Baxter tailing her. When she had closed the door, Anna covered her mouth with her hands, repeating:

\- Oh my God, oh my God…

Panic was filling her quickly.

\- What's wrong Anna?! asked Baxter.

Anna brought one hand to her belly and pushed her other fist against her mouth. Watching her friend’s panicked state, understanding struck Baxter.

\- Oh Lord, is it him?

Anna nodded frantically, as tears started spilling out.

\- Does anyone else know? asked Baxter.

\- Only Mrs Hughes.

\- Alright, well I guess she’ll keep an eye on him during his stay. And I’ll try to stay close to you as much as possible, she said, taking Anna’s hand into hers.

* * *

Anna managed to avoid Green for the best part of the day. However, the next day, she was walking down the hallway just out of Lady Mary’s room, when he suddenly appeared in front of her from nowhere. She froze, and whispered, trembling:

\- What do you want?! You have nothing to do in this part of the house!

He lightly stroked her cheek, a predator grin on his face:

\- So, your husband’s away, so I’m told… Maybe we could have some more fun, you and I!

\- Leave me alone, she breathed. I’ll scream.

\- Oh, yeah, like you did last time? I seem to remember it didn’t work so well…

His hand rested on her breast, and she felt a strong nausea rise into her. She wanted to push him away, to call for help, but she found herself frozen to her core. His hand traveled downwards, until it touched her slightly swelled belly. The bump was still very small, but it was noticeable to an attentive eye, since she had lost so much weight lately.

\- Oh, Mrs Bates, he said, his grin widening, did I leave you a present last time? Well well. You should thank me, really. I gave you what your husband never could. I told you it would be nice to have a real man for once.

His breath was on her neck, and she thought she was going to faint. Suddenly a voice called behind her:

\- Hey, what are you doing, leave her alone!

Green looked up and saw Baxter, looking mad. He whispered into Anna's ear:

\- See you later love, before swiftly walking away.

Anna stood there, motionless, her whole body harshly shaking. Baxter came near her and put her hand on her arm.

\- Anna?

But she didn’t respond, and only walked a step backwards until her back was against the wall, and let herself slide onto the floor, hiding her head into her hands. She started rocking herself back and forth very slightly. Baxter crouched next to her, and tried calling to her softly:

\- Anna? Anna? Come on, we cannot stay here in the hallway. Please get up…

But Anna did not seem to hear her. She was closed in her own mind. Baxter hesitated as to what to do. She wanted to rush downstairs and fetch Mrs Hughes, but didn’t want to leave Anna alone, in case Green came back or anyone else found her in that state. She startled when Lady Mary came out of her room and saw them both.

\- Baxter? Anna? What in heaven’s name are you doing here on the floor?!

Baxter quickly got up to face Lady Mary:

\- I’m so sorry m’lady, I’m afraid Anna’s not feeling well at all.

\- Yes, I can see that! What’s the matter, asked the Lady, bending towards her maid. Anna? Anna, what’s wrong??

But Anna still did not respond, and kept rocking herself.

\- M’lady, started Baxter, do you mind if I go find Mrs Hughes? Maybe she can help?

\- Yes, but we have to move her from here before. Help me bring her into my room, said Lady Mary.

They both hooked a hand under each of Anna’s arms, and pulled her up. She let herself stand, and followed them without resistance to Lady Mary's room. Lady Mary sat her into her armchair and said:

\- Alright Baxter now go fetch Mrs Hughes. And hurry.

\- I will m’lady.

And Baxter quickly went away.

Lady Mary pulled the chair from her vanity table near the armchair and sat near Anna.

\- Anna? Do you hear me?

Anna only blinked as tears were running down her cheeks. Lady Mary sighed and said:

\- Well, I think we’d better wait for Mrs Hughes.

The Housekeeper arrive a few minutes later with Baxter, who had filled her in about Green’s last attempt to harass Anna. When they had closed the door behind them, Lady Mary asked sternly:

\- So, Mrs Hughes, I just found Anna sitting on the floor in the hallway, in a kind of catatonic state. She’s been acting odd for more than two months now. So if you know what this is about, I demand that you explain to me.

Mrs Hughes bit her lower lip, and frowned in worry while she looked at Anna's absent eyes.

\- Oh m’lady… I’m so sorry. Anna asked me to keep it quiet, and I thought that it was not my secret to tell, but I think now it is wise that you know. Anna, she said while taking her hand, I think it’s best we tell Lady Mary.

Anna again only blinked her eyes, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. Mrs Hughes went on:

\- First, m’lady, I have to ask you something. Could you ask Lord Gillingham not to bring his valet here again?

Lady Mary frowned:

\- What does this have to do with Lord Gillingham?

\- Not Lord Gillingham himself m’lady, replied Mrs Hughes. It’s his valet, the man he’s traveling with.

Dread started to fill Lady Mary.

\- What are you saying? Is it because of his valet that Anna is in this state?!

Mrs Hughes nodded:

\- I’m afraid so m’lady. He … assaulted her on the night of the house party. And now from what Miss Baxter just told me, he was harassing her again, right here in the hallway.

Lady Mary seemed to doubt that she had understood it right:

\- He assaulted her, do you mean he…

\- Yes m’lady, I’m sorry to say that he did, reluctantly answered Mrs Hughes, as Anna closed her eyes and turned her face away from the three women.

\- Oh my God… said Lady Mary in a shocked voice, as she let herself fall back on her chair, a hand hiding her mouth. After a short silence, she asked again:

\- Does Bates know?

Anna looked down to her knees as Mrs Hughes replied:

\- He doesn’t m’lady. Anna never wanted to tell him. She was afraid he would overreact and go after the man.

\- Well I couldn’t really blame him if he did… So that’s why you moved back into the House… Oh, Anna, continued Lady Mary, squeezing Anna’s hand, I wish you’d told me sooner, I want to help. God knows you’ve helped me in the past…

Anna seemed to slowly unfreeze from her state of shock. She whispered:

\- I’m sorry m’lady. I can’t talk about it…

Baxter crouched in front of Anna, and said very close to her ear:

\- Isn’t there something else you’d need to tell Lady Mary and Mrs Hughes?

Anna shot her a pleading look and quickly shook her head.

Lady Mary had not heard Baxter question, and went on:

\- I’ll go find Lord Gillingham right away and ask that he dismisses his valet.

Anna looked up to her, worried:

\- Oh please, m’lady, don’t tell him…

\- I won’t tell him the whole thing, only that he harasses my staff and that I don’t want him back in Downton.

Anna exhaled slowly.

\- And I don’t need you until tonight, so you go to your room and rest, and Baxter, you’ll stay with her for a little while, keep her company.

\- Yes m’lady, said Baxter, taking Anna’s hand, and pulling her up.

Anna slowly got up, and before walking to the door, turned around to Lady Mary, and whispered:

\- Thank you m’lady.

Lady Mary gave her a small smile in return. The smile was soon replaced by a worried frown when Anna had turned away from her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: difficult chapter, dealing with a clandestine abortion

Baxter took Anna up to the servants’ quarters and into her bedroom. When she had closed the door, Anna crumbled onto her bed and sobbed. Baxter sat on a chair near the bed and gently patted Anna’s back.

\- Anna… I think it’s a good thing Lady Mary knows. At least now you won’t be seeing him again. But… don’t you think you should have told them the whole truth?

Anna shook her head vehemently. She sat herself up on the bed and looked at Baxter with fierce determination:

-No! I want to go back to see Mrs Owens and they wouldn’t let me! They would talk me into having this child, into telling John! I don’t want to. I have to get rid of it! The man… he knows. He guessed…

She closed her eyes and brought her fist to her mouth at the nauseating memory of their encounter in the hallway.

\- I can’t. I can’t have this child. I can’t bear to have it grow inside me anymore. I feel like I’ve been… invaded by some alien creature. It’s eating me from the inside!

Baxter sighed. She was getting uncomfortable with Anna’s intentions. Taking the potion was one thing, but what she intended to do now was much more dangerous. She started regretting a bit having taken her to Mrs Owens in the first place. But then she remembered how Anna had been on the verge of taking her own life that day and concluded that going to see Mrs Owens was a lesser evil than Anna killing herself. She took Anna’s hand and said reluctantly:

\- Alright, we’ll go on our next half-day if you want.

Anna lifted her tear-stained face to look at Baxter:

\- Oh, you would come with me?

Apparently Anna had been planning on facing this on her own.

\- Of course I will. I won’t let you alone into this. It was my idea in the first place…

Anna gave her a small smile:

\- Thank you Phyllis. You’re a good friend.

Baxter nodded slightly:

\- Although I’m not convinced you’re making the right choice, I ask you to please consider speaking to Mrs Hughes or Lady Mary. But if you’re sure you want to do this, I’ll be with you.

Anna pursed her lips and frowned:

\- I’m sure. I cannot go on like this. I am losing my mind a little more each day.

Baxter sighed once more. It seemed that nothing she could say would change Anna’s mind.

\- Alright. I have to go back to work. Try and get a little sleep.

* * *

Later in the day, Anna was trying to read a book in her little room, when Mrs Hughes came to knock at her door. She came to sit on the chair that Baxter had occupied a few hours earlier.

\- So, Anna, I came to check on you, and tell you that the man has been sent away to the Grantham Arms for tonight, and Lord Gillingham will dismiss him when they get back to London. So you’ll never have to see him again.

\- Thank you Mrs Hughes, said Anna in a small voice.

\- Are you feeling a little better dear? Do you feel up to going down for tea? You should really try and eat a little bit more, you’ve lost so much weight…

\- I’ll try, answered Anna, looking down.

\- And what about your husband? Do you intend on keeping him at bay indefinitely? Don’t you think he’s bound to get tired of the situation? This cannot go on forever… He loves you Anna. He’ll understand. Now that… that man will be away, maybe you could tell him.

Anna sighed. Mrs Hughes was right. She had no right to punish John for all eternity, when he had done nothing wrong. And if the man was no longer Lord Gillingham’s employee, it would be harder for John to go after him. She didn’t know however how she would manage to go back to her previous life, share a bed with John, let him touch her body… She decided that now was not the time to worry about all this. She had more urgent matter to settle before. She answered what she needed to in order to satisfy Mrs Hughes:

\- I’ll try and move back into the cottage when John comes back from New York.

\- Alright dear. So, shall we go down for tea?

\- Yes, let’s go.

That evening when Anna came to dress Lady Mary for dinner, her employer inquired about her well-being:

\- Are you alright tonight Anna? Did Mrs Hughes tell you about the valet?

\- Yes, she did m’lady. Thank you so much. I do feel a little better knowing he won’t be coming back.

\- Alright. I hope it helps you move on. If there’s anything else I can do to help, please, don’t hesitate. Have you seen Dr Clarkson about that?

\- No m’lady… I really don’t need to. I… I’m sorry… I can’t really talk about it.

\- Even to me?

\- Even to you m’lady, sorry. Will that be all?

\- Yes Anna. Thank you.

\- Very good m’lady, said Anna as she went away.

* * *

It was a bright and warm summer day on Anna and Baxter’s next half-day, and they once again rode the bus to Ripon. The mood between them was heavy, and there was not much more chatter than the first time, but for different reasons. Anna was dreading was she was about to do. Looking outside the bus at the sunny Yorkshire landscape, she thought bitterly of how life could have been happy and enjoyable on such a beautiful day, if that man had not ruined everything in the space of a few minutes. She had spent the previous night praying for God to forgive her for the sin she was about to commit. Before leaving for Ripon, she had returned to the cottage and taken ten pounds from their saving box. She didn’t know how much Mrs Owens would ask for the procedure, and hoped it would be enough.

They finally stood in front of Mrs Owens’s shop. Anna took Baxter’s hand in order to give herself courage. She inhaled sharply and said:

\- Alright, let’s go.

When they entered, the man who had greeted them the first time was not there, and they found Mrs Owens behind the counter. She eyed them both and seemed to recognize them:

\- Hello, ladies. Oh, I do know you, do I? You, the blond girl… “Ethel”, was it? You came a while ago.

\- Yes, I did, answered Anna. I paid you two pounds for a potion, and it didn’t work.

\- Hey, you did know it was a possibility. So now you want me to finish the work I guess? You should have come sooner! I told you to come back a month later, it’s been more than a month hasn’t it? Anyway, your problem, but the more you wait, the more painful it gets.

Anna was quite downcast as she heard that. She cursed herself for not acting earlier. The woman had gone to the shop door and was about to turn the “closed” sign, when her husband came back.

\- Oh, Peter, you’re back. Take the counter, will you. I have business to attend to.

Anna felt her cheeks redden in shame as the man looked her up and down.

\- Be quiet, he ordered Anna.

Anna and Baxter followed Mrs Owens into the back room. When she had closed the door on the three of them, she told Anna:

\- That’ll be six pounds, lass. Do you have them?

Anna nodded:

\- Yes, I do.

As she didn’t move further, Mrs Owens said in an annoyed voice:

\- Well, then! Give them to me!

\- Oh, yes, sorry, said Anna, searching through her purse and giving the money to the woman. Mrs Owens recounted the coins, and put them away, looking satisfied.

\- Alright, now, get you underwear off, and lie down on the table.

Anna obeyed, her hands trembling. Her stomach clenched in fear when she saw the woman preparing a set of various-sized knitting needles. Tears came to her eyes as she slowly laid back on the table. Baxter came to stand near her head, and took her hand.

The woman approached a small wheeled-table and said:

\- So, let’s get down to business.

Anna tensed when Mrs Owens took her knees and spread them apart.

\- Oh come on girl! You had no problem spreading your legs to get yourself into this situation! Don’t play shy with me.

Anna did not respond, remembering how the woman had not believed her the first time when she had said she had been unwilling. She nervously wiped her eyes. Thoughts of John invaded her mind, and shame and despair filled her whole. She cried out in pain when the woman started working. A few seconds later, she startled when Mr Owens banged on the door, and yelled:

\- Quiet I said!

\- Hey, don’t move! barked Mrs Owens.

Baxter bent upon her and gave Anna her pair of leather gloves.

\- Here, take these, bite on them.

Anna had to endure a few minutes of intense pain before Mrs Owens seemed satisfied. She was sweating all over and felt she was about to pass out from the pain, when the woman finally said:

\- Alright, that should do the trick. Breathe, girl, I’m done.

Anna breathed deeply in and out several times, waiting for the pain to recede a little bit, then slowly sat up. She was pale as a ghost when Baxter handed her back her underwear. Mrs Owens warned her:

\- So, there will be heavy bleeding and pains, and you know… stuff getting out, for about twenty-four hours, afterwards it should quiet down. Alright lass, I’ll leave you a little while to gather yourself, then you can go.

And she left the room, slamming the door behind her.

Baxter rubbed gently Anna’s back, whispering:

\- What an awful woman…

Anna sniffed and replied, in a shaky voice:

\- Oh Lord, I never thought in all my life that I would fall so low… Please, promise me to never tell a soul about this. Especially not my husband! He can’t know that I did such a thing. I feel so dirty, so ruined… she said, starting to sob into her hands.

Baxter handed her a handkerchief, and replied:

\- I won’t. Now do you feel up to walking? I would feel better if we left this place…

\- Yes, let’s go, said Anna, getting up with difficulties, holding on strongly to her friend’s hand.

She then handed Baxter her gloves back, that she had still been holding tight.

\- I’m sorry I ruined your gloves. I’ll buy you a new pair.

\- There’s no need, said Baxter with a gentle smile.

* * *

Anna spent the following night in the bathroom, and was not able to get a minute of sleep. Baxter had to check on her several times until the morning, and she was lying exhausted and pale when the alarm clock went off at 6 o’clock. She was out of strength, but at least, she thought to herself, she was finally free. Baxter decided that Anna could not work in that state, and went to inform Mrs Hughes. Several of the staff had had an upset stomach in the previous days, which proved very convenient because she was able to blame Anna’s illness on the same cause. Mrs Hughes accepted Baxter’s explanation without further question, and allowed her to take care of Lady Mary as well as Her Ladyship. On the next day Anna felt a little better, despite the continuing pains and bleeding. But she felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off her chest. There was no more alien growing inside her.


	6. Chapter 6

Two days had passed, and the pain was getting lighter. Anna had resumed her usual work. That morning, the staff was gathered for breakfast in the servants’ Hall, when Mr Carson started handing out the mail. He delivered letters to several people, until he came to Anna:

\- And Anna, there you go, several letters for you this morning, all coming from New-York! I think Mr Bates is missing you, he said with a smile.

\- Thank you Mr Carson, said Anna, taking the letters and putting them away into her pocket.

She would have liked to go upstairs to her room and read them in privacy, but Lady Mary was surely about to ring any minute, so she couldn’t spare the time now. Since she knew she was free from the pregnancy, she found herself missing John more, and longing for his return. He had been gone several weeks now, and they had not been apart so long since his prison time. Indeed Lady Mary rang a minute later, and Anna got up from the long table to attend to her duties.

She entered the bedroom, brought the Lady her breakfast tray, and started getting her clothes ready. Lady Mary seemed in a chatty mood.

\- So, how are you doing today Anna? Are things sorting themselves out?

Anna managed a little smile.

\- Not quite, but they are getting somewhat better. I received several letters from New-York.

\- Oh, that’s nice. I bet poor Bates is missing you terribly out there.

Anna chuckled softly.

\- Or he’s having the time of his life in the Big Apple.

\- Mrs Hughes told me you intended to move back into the cottage when he’s back.

\- Yes. I don’t know that it will be easy, but I have to move on some time.

\- Anna, you should talk to him. He loves you. That much is obvious.

\- I know he does m’lady. And I do too.

This conversation was getting quite uncomfortable, so she changed the subject:

\- I had a hard time getting your shoes back from the pigs rescue! Maybe next time you go farming you could wear appropriate clothing m’lady, she said with a smirk.

\- Oh yes, I’m so sorry about that. It came quite out of the blue I’m afraid…

\- Will that be all for now m’lady?

\- Yes Anna, thank you, I’ll ring when I’m ready to dress.

After having dressed Lady Mary for the day, Anna thought she could spare a little time, and went up to her bedroom to read the letters. When she arrived on the last stair’s landing under the roofs, she felt unusually breathless and dizzy. She thought to herself that she had climbed the stairs too fast, and that she had not completely recovered from the bleeding. She settled on her bed and started opening the letters. Looking at her husband’s handwriting made her heart beat faster. She realized as she read that she missed him very much. Tears started coming to her eyes and she chuckled softly as she read the funny anecdotes John was telling her from the city. She hoped His Lordship would soon settle whatever matter was going on with his brother-in-law, and she could have her husband back. When she had read all the letters, she folded them back into their envelopes, sighed and put them into her bedside table’s drawer. Before she left her room to get on with her day’s work, a shiver ran through her, and she felt cold. She found that odd, on a warm summer day like this one. Anyway, she went on with her day.

At the end of the morning, she was carrying a pile of freshly laundered clothes to bring them back to Lady Mary’s room, and she felt a sharp pain in her lower belly just as she was crossing the hallway. Molesley who happened to come in the other way at the same moment, saw her wince in pain, and caught her laundry just as she was about to drop them.

\- Are you alright Mrs Bates? Can I help?

Anna brought a hand to her stomach, and then to her sweaty forehead. She waited for the pain to disappear and shrugged:

\- I’m fine. Carry on, as they say in the Navy.

And she went on her way, leaving behind a bewildered Molesley.

Unfortunately the pain did not leave her in peace for the rest of the day. It was no more the spasmodic cramps she had had after seeing Mrs Owens, but rather a more dull, throbbing pain in her lower belly. During the afternoon, she met Baxter in the boot room as they were both working on some shoes. Anna was feeling very hot and sweat was coming to her forehead. She wiped it with the back of her hand, and exhaled:

\- Is it hot in here? she asked Baxter.

Baxter looked up to her and noticed that she appeared quite flushed on the cheeks.

\- It is… warm I’d say… Are you alright Anna?

\- I don’t know… I’ve been feeling off the weather since this morning.

\- What’s wrong?

\- I’ve this pain in my belly, and this morning I was very cold, now I feel so hot…

Baxter came near Anna and touched her forehead with the back of her hand:

\- Oh Lord, you’re burning with fever! You should be in bed! I’ll ask Mrs Hughes to call Dr Clarkson!

\- No, no! What if it is because… what I’ve done? I don’t want Dr Clarkson to know! No, I’ll go and take an aspirin, I’ll be fine.

Baxter shot a very worried look at her friend as she left the boot room to go get herself a medication.

The aspirin made the fever go down for a few hours, and the pain seemed to quiet down. That reassured Anna, who managed to get on with her work until the evening. However, as she was attending to Lady Mary’s bedtime, she started shivering again.

\- Anna? Is anything the matter? asked Lady Mary.

Anna took a deep breath and answered:

\- It’s nothing m’lady, I think I just caught a cold…

\- A cold in that warm weather, how unlucky… On top of last week’s upset stomach… Maybe you should take a little more care of yourself Anna. Are you sleeping and eating these days? You really look out of sorts… I think you should see Dr Clarkson some day.

\- Maybe I will m’lady. But I think this is nothing serious.

\- If you don’t feel better tomorrow, do stay in bed. I’ll manage with Baxter.

\- Thank you m’lady. I’ll see how I feel in the morning. Will that be all?

\- Yes, thank you Anna. Goodnight.

\- Goodnight m’lady.

* * *

Anna spent most of the night shivering and sweating in fever, and twisting in the bed in search of a soothing position for her abdomen. But in the morning, she just took another aspirin, and went down for breakfast. She tried eating some toast, but halfway through she had to leave the table in a hurry, followed by Baxter’s worried look. She locked herself into a bathroom and threw up what little food she had eaten since the previous evening. When the retching finally stopped, she sat herself on the floor, and sobbed. It seemed God intended to punish her for what she had done. Would she never be able to rest and be free from misery? She knew she should see the doctor, but she feared he would guess what she had done, and she felt so ashamed at that thought. He could even give her to the police. She felt lost again and didn’t know what to do. She wiped her tears, got up, straightened her hair in the mirror, and got out of the bathroom. She could only try to hang on as long as she could.

Later in the morning, Lady Mary and Isobel Crawley were discussing in the Great Hall. Isobel was involved in the helping of refugees, and she had come to ask Lady Mary if she could collect some used clothes to give away. As Anna was going by, Lady Mary called after her.

\- Anna? Could you come here please?

Anna came towards them.

\- Yes, m’lady?

\- Mrs Crawley here is collecting some clothes for the refugees. Would you spread the message to the staff, if there are clothes they want to give away? And then I would like you to go see Nanny, and ask her to pack George’s and Sybbie’s old clothes.

Anna suddenly felt dizzy and wavered on her feet. She tried to regain her balance and answered in a shaky voice:

\- Of course m’lady.

Isobel Crawley was studying Anna’s face with a frown, and asked:

\- Are you quite alright Mrs bates? You seem all… flushed.

Anna closed her eyes briefly and replied:

\- I’m fine…, just as she fainted and fell down on the thick carpet.

Both Mrs Crawley and Lady Mary cried out in surprise at seeing her crumbling down.

\- Oh Lord Anna! Anna?! cried Lady Mary, squeezing her hand and tapping her cheek. Do you hear me?

Anna only whimpered. Mrs Crawley touched her forehead and gasped.

\- My God, she’s got a high fever. We have to call Dr Clarkson at once! We must lay her somewhere.

Lady Mary looked around and called:

\- Barrow! Come here quick!

Thomas came to Lady Mary’s call and gasped when he saw Anna on the floor.

\- Please Barrow, pick her up and come with me, ordered Lady Mary.

When he had secured Anna in his arms, Lady Mary led him to the first floor and into a guest room.

\- Put her down on the bed, and go call Dr Clarkson.

\- Yes m’lady, said Thomas, as he let go of Anna and turned away to make the phone call to the doctor.

Isobel, who had followed them, took charge, while Lady Mary seemed to be at a loss as of what to do.

\- We must take her dress off, and put a wet cloth on her forehead. Try to get the fever down, before Clarkson comes.

Downstairs, Thomas had spread the news of Anna’s being taken seriously ill, and Mrs Hughes came knocking at the door a few minutes later.

\- Oh m’lady… said the Housekeeper. The doctor is on its way.

\- Mrs Hughes… said Lady Mary, frowning, did you know Anna was ill? She had just told me about a common cold yesterday. I thought it was nothing serious. Do you think it can have something to do with… you know?

Mrs Hughes thought about what lady Mary had implied for a moment, and answered:

\- I don’t see how it could m’lady… It’s been almost three months now…

Isobel Crawley was listening to their conversation without understanding what they were referring to. She intervened:

\- I don’t know what you are talking about, and you don’t have to tell me, but if something has happened to her that could influence her health, you should mention it to Dr Clarkson when he arrives.

They all turned around when they heard Anna moan in pain. She had turned herself on her side, and curled herself in a ball, her hand pressing on her stomach.

Mrs Crawley approached Anna’s bed, and bent upon her, softly asking:

\- Anna? Do you hear me? Is it your belly?

Anna nodded, her eyes closed and her face crunched in pain.

\- Fever and strong abdominal pains… It could be several things, said Mrs Crawley. Appendicitis, urinary tract infection, genital infection…

Lady Mary and Mrs Hughes looked at each other as Isobel enunciated her last hypothesis.

\- Let’s wait for the doctor, concluded Mrs Hughes.

Moments later, Baxter came in, bringing a basin with cool water and some flannel. She started moping Anna’s face and neck with the wet cloth. As she was doing that, she whispered into her ear:

\- Anna we have to tell them now. The doctor needs to know.


	7. Chapter 7

About an hour later, Dr Clarkson finally entered the room. The four women got up at his arrival, and Mrs Hughes started explaining:

\- Dr Clarkson, thank you so much for coming. It’s Mrs Bates, she’s been ill since yesterday. She has a high fever, and stomach pains.

\- Alright, let’s see.

He looked around at the assembly of women, and asked:

\- Would you please wait outside while I conduct my examination?

They all started for the door, but Anna grabbed Baxter’s hand before she went away, and whispered:

\- Please, stay.

Baxter looked at the doctor:

\- Is it alright Doctor? Mrs Bates wishes me to stay.

\- Fine, nodded Clarkson.

When everyone but Baxter had left, Dr Clarkson conducted a detailed and thorough examination on Anna. She cried in pain when he pressed on her belly, which made him frown in worry. He soon came to his conclusion, but was troubled by his own deduction, since Mrs Bates, as far as he knew, was happily married. He didn’t understand how she had come to this situation. He looked up to her and asked:

\- Mrs Bates, have you recently… lost a pregnancy?

Anna closed her eyes at his question, and Dr Clarkson saw tears escaping her closed eyelids. Baxter squeezed Anna’s hand and urged her:

\- Anna you must tell Dr Clarkson… Do you want me to explain?

Her eyes still closed, Anna nodded to Baxter her permission. Anyway, she felt so bad at that moment, she thought she was going to die, so she didn’t care about anything anymore.

Baxter turned to Dr Clarkson and started explaining:

\- You’re right Doctor, Mrs Bates was pregnant. But… the pregnancy was unwanted. You see, about three months ago, Mrs Bates has been assaulted by a man who was visiting here. On the night when the Australian singer performed. So the child was not her husband’s. Mrs Bates was very distressed, she didn’t want to tell her husband, and she was thinking of taking her own life. I was the only person she had talked to about this, so… I offered her to go see an abortionist. I’m so sorry now, I wish I hadn’t… she continued, her voice breaking.

\- That’s what I was afraid of… sighed the doctor. I wish you hadn’t either, he said in a stern voice. I gather this person was not a doctor?

Baxter shook her head.

\- So now here we are. Mrs Bates, I’m afraid you’re suffering from a serious genital infection. Does anyone know about this? he asked, looking at Baxter again.

\- Lady Mary and Mrs Hughes know about the attack, but not about the pregnancy.

\- And her husband?

\- He doesn’t know anything…

\- Where is he anyway? Why is he not here today?

\- He’s in New York with His Lordship…

\- Oh, yes of course, answered Dr Clarkson, who remembered now he had heard about Lord Grantham’s trip to America. Mrs Bates, he went on, Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary are going to ask me some questions. I have to know what you wish me to say.

\- Tell them… I don’t care… whispered Anna.

Her self-esteem lay shattered on the floor, so she really didn’t mind anymore. After a moment’s silence, while the doctor put his tools away in his bag, Anna asked:

\- Doctor? Am I going to die?

Dr Clarkson put his bag down, and turned around to face her:

\- I don’t know Mrs Bates. But I know you did something very dangerous and foolish. This is serious. I’ll do my best, but I don’t know, really, how this is going to turn out.

As a doctor, he was used to speaking carefully to sick people. He didn’t lie in an outright fashion, but he didn’t tell Anna that he was indeed very worried for her.

Baxter had fallen on the chair near Anna’s bed, and cried quietly, feeling overwhelmed by the huge weight of responsibility on her shoulders. She felt so bad for having dragged her friend on this awful path. Dr Clarkson went to the door and let Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary back in. Mrs Crawley had left, but promised she would come back later to help take care of Anna (her nursing instincts always quickly awakened). The worry was etched on both of their faces when they came to face the doctor. Lady Mary inquired:

\- So, Dr Clarkson, is it serious?

\- I’m afraid so milady… It seems that Mrs Bates, and I speak now with her permission, had not informed you nor Mrs Hughes of all the consequences of the attack she has been subjected to. She had become pregnant, and out of distress and shame, has turned to a backstreet abortionist…

Both women gasped in horror at his words.

\- Oh, no, Anna! breathed Mrs Hughes.

Shock was painted on Lady Mary’s face. Not really that Anna had wanted to end this pregnancy, this was something she could understand, but that she had dealt with all this without telling neither her husband, nor Mrs Hughes, nor herself. She looked at Baxter who was crumbled on the chair.

\- Baxter! Did you know about this?!

\- I did m’lady, she answered in a trembling voice. I’m so sorry… She made me promise not to tell…

\- Baxter, you will come to my office later and we will talk about that, said Mrs Hughes looking thoroughly displeased.

\- How bad is it, asked Lady Mary to Dr Clarkson, dreading the answer.

\- Rather bad I’m afraid. We will see how things go in the next couple of days, but I suggest that you send a telegram to His Lordship and ask that he sends her husband back as soon as possible. It could turn ugly…

\- Oh My God, whispered Lady Mary, bringing a hand in front of her mouth.

Tears came to her eyes as she understood that Anna’s life was at stake. The prospect of losing her confident and friend was daunting. Mrs Hughes approached Anna’s bed and wiped her burning forehead with the wet cloth.

\- Anna, my girl… Why for heaven’s sake did you not come to me?! We would have found another way…

She felt awfully sad and angry that Anna, whom she had known for almost fifteen years, and whom she practically considered her daughter, had not confided in her about such a matter.

\- I’m sorry Mrs Hughes, breathed Anna.

\- Anyway, said Dr Clarkson, what is done is done, now Mrs Bates should rest. I will send someone with the medication needed, and I will come check on her twice daily. And I count on you to call me if things should get worse.

As he picked up his bag, he continued:

\- There’s one more thing: I think it would be right to protect Mrs Bates's privacy. I suggest that, to anyone outside this room, Mrs Bates should officially be suffering from a kidney infection.

Lady Mary held her hand out to the doctor, and answered:

\- Yes, you’re right Doctor. Thank you so much.

Dr Clarkson took Lady Mary’s hand, and pursed his lips in a stiff smile.

\- I’m afraid we are losing too many healthy women to these dramatic circumstances. I wish there was another way for them than risking their lives. It’s a pity, really… Anyway, I’ll be back tonight.

\- Thank you doctor, said Mrs Hughes as Dr Clarkson made his exit.

* * *

_ New York, Mrs Levinson’s residence _

Bates was finishing dressing Lord Grantham for the day, when someone knocked on the door. Lord Grantham looked surprised that he should be interrupted while in his dressing-room.

\- Yes, come in, he said loudly.

Mr Spivet, Mrs Levinson’s butler, entered the room, carrying a tray on which sat an envelope.

\- I’m sorry to disturb Your Lordship. A telegram has arrived for you. From England.

\- Oh, said Lord Grantham, taking the envelope. Thank you Spivet. You may go.

When the butler had left, Lord Grantham tore the envelope and read the telegram. His face fell as he read, and he looked up to Bates with a frown.

\- Bates, I’m afraid this message is for you more than for me. It seems Anna has been taken ill…

Bates’s heart skipped a beat when he heard the news.

\- What? I’m sorry m’lord, I mean, what does it say exactly?

\- “Anna seriously ill – Please send Bates back ASAP”

\- Oh my god… Is it all? No other details?

He felt panic invaded him and cursed himself for having left her alone. Could this have anything to do with her strange state in the weeks before his departure? Was she already ill and had not told him?

\- I’m afraid not… Look, try and make a phone call to Downton, maybe Carson can tell you more. And I’ll find us tickets to Liverpool on the first available ship. Anyway I was thinking of going home in a few days, I’ve done everything I could here. I’m of no use anymore. I’ll be glad to head home too.

\- Thank you m’lord.

Two hours later, Bates found Lord Grantham in Mrs Levinson’s library.

\- I’m sorry m’lord, might I have a word?

Lord Grantham's chest tightened as he saw his valet’s utterly distraught face. He knew how much Bates loved his wife, and he couldn’t think how badly he would cope if Anna happened to die while he was away. Lord Grantham got up and walked to the hallway to talk to Bates.

\- So? Have you managed to telephone Downton?

\- Yes m’lord. Mr Carson told me that Anna was seriously ill, a kidney infection he said. It seems Dr Clarkson was very worried when he left this morning.

Tears were shining in his eyes as he was telling his employer the bad news.

\- Bates, my dear fellow, said Lord Grantham, putting a sympathetic had on his arm. I’m so sorry. We’ll leave tomorrow, Spivet has secured us tickets, it’s all settled.

\- Thank you so much m’lord. I would never forgive myself if something happened to Anna while I’m away…

\- I know. We men are weak when it comes to the women we love, aren’t we?

\- I’m afraid you are right m’lord. Anyway, I’ll start with the packing right away, it’ll help to keep my mind off things.

\- Go ahead Bates.

* * *

_ Downton Abbey _

Anna’s sudden illness was the main topic of discussion at dinner both upstairs and downstairs. She was liked by virtually everyone at Downton, so the mood was heavy around both tables. Mrs Crawley had talked to Dr Clarkson on her way back and although he had not clearly told her the real reason for her ailment, she had understood. She had come back to the Abbey later in the afternoon, bringing the potions ordered by Dr Clarkson. Although she had understood the truth, she did not challenge Mary when the young Lady said to the whole table that her maid was suffering from a serious kidney infection.

After dinner, Mrs Crawley went to visit Anna. She entered the dimly lit room and found that Baxter was still watching Anna.

\- Ms Baxter, said Isobel, I think Mrs Hughes wants you downstairs. I will give Anna her medicine and keep an eye on her until you’re back.

\- Oh, yes, sure, Ma’am, said Baxter.

As she got out of her friend’s room that she had not left since the morning, Baxter wiped some tears off her face. She knew she was bearing a huge responsibility in Anna’s fate, and now she feared she was about to get sacked by Mrs Hughes for it. She went downstairs and reluctantly knocked on the door of Mrs Hughes’s parlor.

\- Come in, said Mrs Hughes.

As she entered, Mr Carson got up and made for the exit.

\- I’ll leave you to it, he said.

When he had closed the door behind him, Baxter turned to Mrs Hughes and asked:

\- Does Mr Carson know?

Mrs Hughes shook her head:

\- He only knows the official version. He would not understand.

Then Mrs Hughes shot Ms Baxter a very disapproving look.

\- Ms Baxter, I am very disappointed by the role you have played in this unfortunate situation. What were you thinking, taking Anna to an abortionist?! You should have come to me!

Baxter looked down, tears coming to her eyes again.

\- I’m so sorry Mrs Hughes, I really am, I would do anything to go back in time and change what I did. But… you should have seen her that day in Ripon! She was about to jump into the river! I swear, she was going to take her own life!

Mrs Hughes gasped at Baxter’s confession.

\- Oh Lord… she whispered.

\- I tried, several times to make her change her mind, to convince her to talk to you or to Mr Bates, but she wouldn’t.

\- Yes, she can be quite stubborn when it comes to it, stated the Housekeeper.

\- She thought she was ruined, I really thought she was going to kill herself, so I figured helping her to end the pregnancy would be a lesser evil. I didn’t dare betray her trust and come talk to you when she had made me promise not to… I’m sorry… cried Baxter.

\- Well, you are very lucky that Her Ladyship likes you so much and that I can’t tell her the real reason for Anna’s illness. This is the only thing that saves you from being dismissed right away, Mrs Hughes said sternly.

Baxter wiped her face with her handkerchief and looked up to Mrs Hughes.

\- Thank you very much. I will care for Anna in any way I can.

\- I’m sure you will. Now go.

At the same time, in the guest room, Mrs Crawley was giving Anna the medication Dr Clarkson had ordered. When Anna had swallowed it all, she fell back on the pillows, exhausted. Mrs Crawley took her hand and gently squeezed it.

\- Anna, she said softly. I know what has happened to you.

Anna closed her eyes and turned her head away, as she whispered:

\- Then you must think very little of me.

\- I don’t Anna. I have worked as a nurse for a long time, and I have seen so many women who have done the same thing as you did. I have witnessed enough misery not to judge what a desperate woman will do. Don’t worry, I am on your side.

The two women stayed silent, until Lady Mary entered the room. She approached her mother-in-law and put her hand on her arm.

\- Thank you for staying Isobel. Maybe you should go rest now. Baxter will be back in a short while.

\- I will go in a moment, yes, nodded Mrs Crawley.

\- And Anna, continued Lady Mary, bending upon her maid and confident. How are you feeling tonight?

\- Much the same m’lady, muttered Anna.

\- I wanted you to know that I have sent a telegram to His Lordship and Bates. I just received the answer. They will be boarding a ship tomorrow, and they’ll be back in a few days. So now, you focus on getting better for your husband, alright?

\- Thank you so much m’lady.

\- Now I’ll let you rest. I’ll see you in the morning.

Lady Mary and Mrs Crawley left the room as Mrs Hughes came into it.

\- Thank you my ladies. I will watch Anna for the first part of the night, said the Housekeeper.

Mrs Hughes sat near Anna’s bed, and took her hand. A light sob escaped her lips, as she cried:

\- Oh my dear girl, how I wish you had talked…

\- I’m so sorry Mrs Hughes, please forgive me… mumbled Anna.

Dr Clarkson had prescribed a sedative for the night, and Mrs Hughes watched her as she drifted into an agitated sleep, moaning and calling for her husband at regular intervals.


	8. Chapter 8

Three days later, Anna's health had not improved. She spent hours in a delirious state due to the high fever, interspersed with moments of awakening during which she was too exhausted to even talk. During these moments, they tried to make her drink to prevent dehydration, as Dr Clarkson had advised. Mrs Hughes, Baxter, and Mrs Crawley took turns in watching her, sometimes helped by Daisy when she could spare a moment, and by Lady Mary, who came to check on her whenever she could get away from the preparations for the church bazaar her mother was holding in two days. Outside on Downton's green lawn, tents were built and stalls were installed. People were coming and going under the sun, oblivious to the drama that was unfolding in the guest room on the first floor where Anna was fighting for her life.

That evening, Dr Clarkson had once again come to check on her, and as he was feeling her pulse, he frowned. Mrs Crawley was sitting at Anna's side, and looked worried.

\- She's having less and less conscious moments Dr Clarkson, I'm afraid it's not getting any better.

Dr Clarkson sighed.

\- Her pulse is quickening, and her blood pressure is falling. Indeed I can only agree that it doesn't look good…

\- Oh Lord… And her poor husband is still two days away on the ocean. He'll be devastated if he comes too late…

\- I'm afraid I have done everything in my power here. We can only pray for her, for those of us who believe in an Almighty God…

At that moment, Lady Mary entered the room, and asked Clarkson:

\- So, tell me Doctor, how is she?

\- As I was just saying to Mrs Crawley, it's not getting any better. I am very worried. The infection seems to be getting stronger.

Hearing that, Lady Mary had a hard time holding her tears back.

\- Is she going to die?

\- I cannot say for sure milady, but I'm afraid it is becoming likely… I'm sorry.

\- Oh my God… I only hope Bates will be back before… if anything should happen…

Tears were now rolling on Lady Mary's cheeks. She came close to Anna's bed, and took her hand. She felt from her touch that Anna was still hot with fever.

\- Oh Anna… she cried. Please, fight. I would miss you so much… And Bates… He loves you so dearly, please fight for him.

Anna very lightly squeezed Lady Mary's hand as she said those words. Lady Mary straightened and continued in a stronger voice:

\- You hear me Anna! You can't let it go! I know you've been through an awful lot lately. I wish you'd asked for help before it was too late. Please, keep fighting! Don't let it go. Your husband needs you… I need you, she admitted after a few seconds silence.

Wiping her tears, she turned back to Dr Clarkson, who still stood there, a bit embarrassed at being witness to Lady Mary's show of emotion. However, the Lady quickly put on her social facade again:

\- Thank you Dr Clarkson for your good care. Would you like to stay for dinner? We are about to go in, I can easily have one more plate added.

\- Thank you Lady Mary, this is so kind, but I have other patients to go see. I'll be back tomorrow.

He nodded to her and to Mrs Crawley as he made his exit.

x x x x

_Somewhere on the Atlantic ocean_

In his little cabin next to Lord Grantham's, Bates was out of his mind with worry. It had been three days since they had boarded the transatlantic ship, and it seemed to him it had been three centuries. He couldn't think of anything else than his beloved Anna, who was far away seriously sick, and he couldn't even have news of how she was doing. During the days, when he was not attending to Lord Grantham, he spent his time either walking the ship back and forth, trying to soothe his anxiety by movement, ignoring the pain in his knee, or writing unending letters to Anna, in which he poured his deepest feelings, hoping he could soon read them to her. At any time during each of these activities, he would burst into tears, cursing himself for having left her behind. He often took out from his wallet the little picture Anna had given him when he had been in prison. The picture was quite worn out from time now, but he still looked at it in wonder, cherishing his wife's beauty. Lately he had been reading a book of poetry by Robert Burns, and had discovered a poem named "The Gowden Locks of Anna". He read and re-read it dozens of times every day, until he knew it by heart. He wanted to tell it to Anna when he would at last be reunited with her. Meanwhile he told it to himself at night, and tears invariably came to his eyes as he hoped she could hear him in the distance. During the night, the few hours' sleep he managed to get were regularly interrupted as he woke up in a startle after having once more had a nightmare in which he came back to Downton only to find his wife on her death bed, without having told her how much he loved her.

x x x x

In Downton, the church bazaar was about to open on this bright sunny day. Downton's lawn looked like an anthill. The mood was light among the people from the village, but Downton's staff did not really have the heart into it, as the news from Anna were not good. Dr Clarkson's face had been even darker this morning when he had left her room. Anna had faded into unconsciousness during the previous night, and no stimulation had managed to wake her up. Her breath was labored, and she was still burning with fever. Mrs Hughes looked desperate as she stood by her bed, mopping her head again and again.

Outside on the lawn, Lady Mary was helping her mother supervising the bazaar. She did it reluctantly, as she would have preferred staying with Anna, but Cora had not left her any choice. Suddenly, Mary saw Lord Gillingham walking through the lawn, apparently searching for her. She went up to him and greeted him:

\- Tony? But what are you doing here?

\- Hello Mary, I've come because… I've had some disturbing news, and I wanted to share it with you. It's Green… He's dead.

Lady Mary looked shocked.

\- Green? But how can he be dead?

\- I'm only telling you what they told me. That he was in Piccadilly, and he… slipped or stumbled. Fell into the road.

\- I don't know what to say…

\- It seemed so odd after our conversation the other day that I felt that I should bring you the news myself. Can you explain to me now why you wanted him sacked?

Mary eyed him with a dark look.

\- No… But know that he deserved his fate.

And she left Tony behind, walking to the House.

She walked straight to Anna's room, where Mrs Hughes still was watching her.

\- Milady, said Mrs Hughes with a sad smile, getting up as Lady Mary entered the room.

\- Mrs Hughes… I just learned that Green is dead.

\- Oh… replied the Housekeeper. She turned back to glance at Anna's motionless form, and her face hardened as she added:

\- Serves him right! I know this is not charitable, but I won't regret him!

Lady Mary came close to Anna, and bent over the bed to speak into Anna's ear.

\- Did you hear me Anna? He's dead. He will never hurt you or anyone else ever again. Now you have to live! Your husband will be back soon! He should be here tonight!

x x x x

That evening, the gong had just rung, and Lady Mary was crossing the Great Hall to go to her room, when she saw Jimmy opening the door to Lord Grantham and Bates. She swiftly changed direction and exclaimed:

\- Oh, Papa, you're back, thank God!

She kissed her father and turned to Bates:

\- Bates, I'm so sorry… Dr Clarkson is with Anna right now, come with me, I'll show you to her room.

Bates turned to Lord Grantham, silently asking his permission to leave all the luggage behind.

\- Go Bates! said the Lord. Jimmy will take care of all this.

Bates did not need being told twice, and followed Lady Mary as fast as his bad knee would let him.

When he entered Anna's room and saw his wife's small figure on the bed, he thought his heart would shatter into a million pieces. The doctor was finishing his check-up, and concluded sadly that things had not improved since the morning, although they had not worsened either. He got away from the bed to allow Bates to come near Anna. Bates stumbled on his knees beside the bed, and cried as he took her hand into his and pressed it on his cheek:

\- Oh Lord, Anna… My darling…

Despair took him over as he broke into harsh sobs. Mrs Hughes came behind him and put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

\- We're all so sorry Mr Bates.

Hearing her voice brought him back to the world. He straightened, pushed on his cane to get up and turned his tears-stained face to the doctor.

\- What has happened Doctor? How bad is it?

He dreaded the answer and was not sure he really wanted to hear it, but he had to know.

\- Mr Bates, started the doctor. Were you aware of your wife's condition?

Bates frowned. What was he talking about?

\- I don't understand, what condition?

\- You did not know about your wife being pregnant?

\- What?! No! She was not pregnant! She would have told me!

Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary were exchanging worried looks behind Dr Clarkson. They both feared Bates's reaction at learning the whole story. He was surely going to be devastated.

\- Mr Bates, I'm afraid there was a lot of things your wife had not told you. She is currently suffering from a very serious genital infection, due to complications of a clandestine abortion.

Bates stood stunned for a few seconds, at a total loss for words. His Anna would never have done such a thing, when they had been hoping for a child for so long… This didn't make any sense to him.

\- You… no… You must be wrong. This is impossible. Anna would never have done that. We were trying for a child. You… you said it was a kidney infection, he stuttered.

Mrs Hughes came to Bates, and put a hand on his arm, lightly squeezing.

\- Mr Bates, let us explain. You remember the night of the House Party, when she told you she had fainted and hit her head.

He did remember pretty well that night. It was when their life had started unraveling. Mrs Hughes went on:

\- Well, she had not fainted. She had been assaulted by Mr Green, Lord Gillingham's valet.

\- What!? roared Bates.

\- She confided in me about the attack, but made me promise not to tell you, because she feared you would go after Green, and be arrested again.

He felt ashamed, because he had to admit that it was exactly what he would like to do at that precise moment.

\- And a few weeks later, it turned out that she was pregnant.

Bates suddenly felt nauseous at the thought of that bastard's child growing inside his sweet Anna.

\- She was terribly ashamed. She didn't even tell me nor Lady Mary. Only Baxter knew. That's the reason she turned to an abortionist.

\- Oh my God…

Bates suddenly stumbled on his feet, and Lady Mary only had time to move the chair for him to crumble down on it. He felt so overwhelmed by Mrs Hughes's account. He felt like his whole world was crashing down around him, leaving him a pile of rubble. He suddenly clenched his fists, and whispered in a dangerous voice, darting the darkest of looks to Mrs Hughes:

\- This man will pay for what he's done to her.

\- Mr Bates, replied Mrs Hughes. This man is already dead. You should focus on your wife.

\- Oh. Well. Good riddance.

He closed his eyes for a moment, then got up again.

\- Doctor? Is she going to make it?

Dr Clarkson sighed and looked down:

\- I don't know Mr Bates. I'm not very optimistic. I'm so sorry. I've done everything I could, but the infection is very serious. She's been unconscious for the best part of twenty-four hours now.

Tears were again shining in Bates's eyes. He whispered:

\- Thank you Doctor.

He looked around and asked:

\- Would you leave me alone with my wife?

\- Of course, whispered Lady Mary, as she motioned for the others to get out.

As the three of them found themselves in the hallway, Lady Mary loudly exhaled:

\- Oh Lord, what a nightmare… Poor Bates, learning all this at once.

\- I can only agree m'lady… sighed Mrs Hughes.

Inside the room, Bates stroked Anna's cheek, and kissed her on her forehead.

\- Anna, my darling, I'm so sorry…

His voice cracked as sobs escaped again from his lips.

\- Why… Why didn't you talk to me… I love you so much… My darling Anna...

He took her hand, kissed it and rested it again on his cheek. He closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and started softly reciting:

\- _Yestreen I had a_ _pint_ _o' wine,_ _  
_ _A place where_ _body saw_ _na;_ _  
_ _Yestreen_ _lay on this breast o' mine_ _  
_ _The gowden locks of Anna._

 _The hungry Jew in wilderness,_ _  
__Rejoicing o'er his manna,_ _  
__Was_ _naething_ _to my hinny bliss_ _  
__Upon the lips of Anna._

 _Ye monarchs, take the East and West_ _  
__Frae_ _Indus to Savannah;_ _  
__Gie_ _me, within my straining grasp,_ _  
__The melting form of Anna_

 _There I'll despise Imperial charms,_ _  
__An Empress_ _or_ _Sultana,_ _  
__While dying raptures in her arms_ _  
__I give and take_ _wi'_ _Anna!_

 _Awa, thou flaunting God of Day!_ _  
__Awa, thou pale Diana!_ _  
__Ilk_ _Star, gae hide thy twinkling ray,_ _  
__When I'm to meet my Anna!_

 _Come, in thy raven plumage, Night,_ _  
__(Sun, Moon, and Stars, withdrawn a';)_ _  
__And bring_ _an_ _angel-pen to write_ _  
__My transports with my Anna!_

 _The Kirk an' State may join an' tell,_ _  
__To do_ _sic_ _things I maunna:_ _  
__The_ _Kirk an'_ _State may gae to hell,_ _  
__And I'll_ _gae_ _to my Anna._

 _She is the sunshine_ _o'_ _my e'e,_ _  
__To live but her I canna;_   
_Had I on earth_ _but_ _wishes three,_ _  
__The first should be my Anna._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thank theglamourfades for the poem by Robert Burns. I came across it while reading a fanfic of hers, "A return to Scotland"


	9. Chapter 9

Bates had stayed at Anna’s bedside all night, and her condition had not evolved. Still she lay unconscious and motionless. Very early in the morning, he heard a light knock on the door, and Baxter entered the room.

\- Hello Mr Bates. How is she this morning?

\- Nothing’s changed I’m afraid…

Baxter sighed.

\- I’m sorry. I came to offer that I stay with Anna for a while, if you want to go home, you know, take a little time to wash and change, eat something…

He frowned:

\- I’d rather not leave her…

\- I understand but… We don’t know how much longer we’ll have to watch her, you have to take care of yourself too.

She had a point, he thought. He had not eaten since luncheon the previous day, and he was still wearing his travel clothes. He was scruffy at best. And if ever Anna woke up, he wanted to look better.

\- You’re right, Ms Baxter. Thank you, I’ll be back soon.

Before he left, Baxter looked down and said:

\- Mr Bates, I want you to know how sorry I am for the way things have turned out. I feel so, so bad.

\- But why would you blame yourself? You have nothing to do with it.

\- But I have. It was my idea to go this this abortionist.

Baxter saw Bates’s face harden, and his jaw clench at the mention of the abortion. She hurried to explain:

\- But I only did that because she was so distressed, I didn't know what else to do! She was on the verge of taking her own life Mr Bates, I swear! You should have seen her in Ripon, she was about to let herself fall into the Skell! I urged her to talk to you or Mrs Hughes, but she wouldn’t. I feel so guilty now, please, forgive me…

Bates stood silent for a while, like he was searching into the depths of his soul the strength to not be mad at her.

\- Alright, he finally said. I can’t say I’m happy with the way you handled it, but I see that you tried to help her. So, I’ll go home now, thank you for watching her for a little while. I won’t be long.

* * *

The next day was dawning and John was dozing, exhausted, when Anna’s eyes fluttered open. The fever had fallen since the previous afternoon, and she had seemed to sleep peacefully all night. The doctor had been a little more confident when he had left that evening. She shifted a little in the bed, and he woke up in a startle.

\- Anna? he whispered.

\- John… she croaked, her voice hoarse from lack of use.

She passed her tongue on her crackled lips. He quickly reached for the glass of water sitting on the bedside table and presented it to her.

\- There you go darling, take a sip.

She drank a bit, and fell down on the pillows. John reached for her hand and brought it to his lips.

\- John… she repeated as tears were spilling on her cheeks. I’m so sorry… I ruined everything…

\- Ssshhh, my darling, sshhh. We'll talk later. I know what happened, but now is not the time. You need to rest. I’m here and I won’t go away. I love you.

The shadow of a smile came across her lips and she whispered:

\- I love you too… as she slumbered back to sleep.

A few hours later, she had woken up again, drunk a cup of tea and eaten a small toast. When the tray was put back on the chest of drawers, John came to sit on the edge of the bed, and asked shyly:

\- May I hold you in my arms?

She lifted her gaze to him, eyes filling again with tears. She nodded lightly.

\- Yes, please.

He took her into the gentlest embrace that he could manage, trying not to hurt her, as she seemed so fragile. Anna rested her head in his chest and cried silently. He nuzzled in her hair, crying too, and whispered:

\- Oh Anna… I thought I would never see you alive again… I was so afraid I had lost you…

\- I’m sorry, I’m sorry, she kept repeating.

He pulled apart from her a little, just enough to be able to look at her face.

\- Why? Why didn’t you talk to me my darling?

The hurt was audible in his voice and it made Anna shiver.

\- What… what did they tell you? she asked, averting his gaze.

\- Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary, they told me what that bastard did to you, how you were pregnant, how you wanted to get rid of it.

She couldn’t look at him. There was her old friend, shame, nagging at her again.

\- Why didn’t you tell me?! Anna, we should have dealt with this together! For better or worse, doesn’t that ring a bell to you?? You stood by my side into my own darkest hour, why for God’s sake didn’t you let me support you into yours?!

\- I wanted to protect you… I was so afraid…

\- Afraid of what? That I would turn you away? You know I would never do that! When I said I would love you however, _whatever_ , whenever, I meant it you know!

\- I know, she cried, but… I was afraid you would go and kill him, and you’d hang. And I couldn’t lose you.

\- Oh, he said.

He couldn’t deny that there was some ground in her fear. He had wanted to kill the man. In fact, he was very glad that he was already dead.

\- I’m sorry my darling.

\- Why ever should you apologize? she asked gingerly. You did nothing wrong.

\- Oh yes I did. I’m sorry for not being the husband you needed. If I had been, you would not have feared coming to me in time of sorrow. I failed you.

She sighed against his chest:

\- Well. It’s out in the open now. No more secret. I’m glad of that at least. No more fear of being found out, because I am found out. My shame has nowhere to hide.

He frowned, as he put a strand of hair away from her face:

\- But why do you talk of shame? I don’t accept that there is any shame in that.

She looked up to him, a desperate gleam in her eyes:

\- But I’m spoiled for you… And I can never be unspoiled.

\- You are not spoiled! You’re made higher to me, and holier because of the suffering you’ve been put through! You are my wife, and I have never loved you more than I love you now at this moment.

\- Truly?

He smiled sincerely, cupping her cheeks and wiping her tears away:

\- Truly.

They stayed silent for a little while, just enjoying each other's presence. He breathed into her hair and talked again:

\- I’ve missed you so much Anna. I’ve missed you, I’ve missed us. I want us back. I love you so much.

\- I’ve missed us too. I want us back too. But… I’m broken. I’m shattered.

\- Then we’ll pick up your pieces together. We’ll take all the time needed. But together. No more secrets. Do you promise me?

She nodded slightly.

\- I promise. So… aren’t you mad at me for what I did?

John sighed:

\- I’m not. I mean, I wish you had not. I wish you had come to me and allowed us to manage this together instead of putting your life in danger. But I understand why you didn’t. You were not in your right mind. There was so much pain and fear inside you, you couldn’t think straight.

\- I don’t deserve you… she said in a small voice.

\- No, I don’t deserve you. You sacrificed yourself to protect me. But you shouldn’t have. It’s not your job to protect me Anna. I should have protected you. I failed you from the day I let that filthy man come near you.

\- But you warned me. I didn’t listen.

\- Because you’re too kind my darling. You only see the good in people. But some people don’t have any. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Anna startled.

\- What do you say? He’s dead?!

\- Oh, you didn’t know? Mrs Hughes told me so when I got back. I thought she’d told you.

\- No… What happened?

\- I don’t know. And I don’t care. You’ll have to ask Mrs Hughes. All I know is, he’s dead, which is all he deserved for wrecking your life so bad.

\- Our life.

\- Yes, our life, he smiled. Because we are one, Anna. Your life is mine. And my life is yours.

He hugged her a little closer as a sob of relief escaped her lips at the news of her tormentor’s death.

* * *

Just after luncheon, Lady Mary had stopped by in Anna’s room. Anna was sitting in the bed, her chest supported by a pile of pillows. She smiled wearily as her employer and friend beamed at her:

\- Oh, Anna, you don’t know how relieved I am to see that you are finally getting better! You’ve given us a mighty fright, I can tell you! Doctor Clarkson will be thrilled!

\- Thank you m’lady. That’s very kind. But I’m feeling completely worn out.

\- I guess…

\- M’lady, there was a question I wanted to ask you.

\- Yes?

\- Mr Bates told me that… he was dead? Is it true?

\- yes, it is. Lord Gillingham brought me the news himself a couple days ago.

\- What happened?

\- He was hit by a bus, in Piccadilly.

\- Oh.

\- I won’t say it outside this room, but I do hope he’s burning in hell for what he did to you, said lady Mary forcefully.

\- I’m relieved, said Anna in a small voice.

A few seconds later, Dr Clarkson entered the room. A look of happy surprise dawned on his tired face as the sight of Anna awake and sitting in the bed:

\- Oh Mrs Bates! I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come by this morning, things have been a little hectic. But I see that your husband’s return has done you more good than I have ever been able to do! I’m very pleased to see you are better today.

\- Thank you Dr Clarkson.

\- I’ll leave you to it, said Lady Mary, walking to the door. See you later Anna.

\- Thank you m’lady. Good afternoon.

When Dr Clarkson was alone with Anna and Bates, he examined her once again. Her belly was still painful, but otherwise things looked better. When he was done, he looked to Anna and said:

\- Well Mrs Bates, I can say that I am gladly surprised. I wouldn’t have bet on this only two days ago. You beat the odds.

\- It wouldn’t be the first time, said Bates, looking at his wife with a happy gleam in his eyes.

\- So, there will be quite a lengthy convalescence now. You have to rest, eat, drink, to regain all the weight you’ve lost lately.

\- Am I allowed to get out of the bed Doctor?

\- Erm… If you feel up to it, yes, but… little by little, and always under supervision. Don’t overexert yourself. Anyway, you’ll soon notice that you won’t be able to do much for several weeks at least.

Anna frowned. Several weeks of bed rest was not something she was looking forward to.

\- Alright Doctor. We’ll be careful, said Bates, taking her hand.

\- Well, I’ll let you rest now. I’ll come by tomorrow evening.

\- Thank you so much Dr Clarkson, said Anna.

Bates got up and shook the doctor’s hand. As he got out of the room, Dr Clarkson’s felt his satisfaction at her getting better was a bit shadowed by his fear for lasting consequences of the infection. But he had decided that now was not a good time to talk to them about it. Now was the time to rejoice over Mrs Bates getting through this alive.

* * *

When they were left alone, Anna looked up to John and said gingerly:

\- Do you know what I would love to do?

\- What is it my darling?

\- Wash my hair. It’s filthy and all entangled…

Indeed, Mrs Hughes and Baxter had washed her a bit with a wet cloth while she had been unconscious, but her hair had been left untouched for almost a week, and was a greasy mess from all the sweating when she was feverish.

\- Alright, er… Will you manage to walk to the bathroom? Do you want me to call for Baxter to wash them?

\- I think I’ll manage, the bathroom’s just next door, you’ll support me. And I would prefer you to do it…

\- Oh, hum, alright…

He was a bit uneasy at that thought, having never washed long hair. But he was so relieved to have her back, and not the tense and distant wife she had been for the last months, he was prepared to do about anything she would have asked him to do.

\- Well, let me get things ready. I’ll put a chair next to the bath tub, and warm some water, and I’ll come fetch you.

\- Thank you John, she said with a loving smile.

A few minutes later, he came by her bed and helped her get up. She felt a bit dizzy at first, having been lying down for so long, and her legs trembled when she stood up. She held tightly onto John’s shoulders for a moment, before she was able to steady herself, and started slowly taking a few steps. It took them several minutes to cross the short distance to the bathroom, and when she was finally seated on the chair near the bathtub, she felt like she had run a marathon.

\- Oh Lord, she breathed, I get what Dr Clarkson meant when he talked about not being able to do much. I’m wasted…

\- Maybe we should have waited until tomorrow to let you walk… said John looking worried.

\- It’s alright. Let’s go on, she said.

She held her hair over her head while John put a towel on her shoulders. She tilted her head backwards over the bathtub, and he let the warm water run on her head. He then gently rubbed the soap on her wet hair, until it lathered. She closed her eyes and moaned under his soft touch when he lightly massaged her skull.

\- Oh my God this feels so good, she whispered.

He rinsed the soap off her hair, and passed slowly his fingers through her hair to undo the knots, until he could slide freely from her skull to the tips of the hair without any resistance. He deposited a light kiss on her forehead before wrapping a dry towel around her head. This was the most sweet and intimate moment they had shared for more than three months, and it felt so good to both of them.

Anna looked up to John and sent him a gentle smile:

\- Thank you my darling.

\- Anything, my beloved wife, he answered.

He rubbed the towel a bit on her head, and started passing a comb through her blond hair. When he was done, she asked:

\- Do you know how to braid a hair?

\- I’m afraid not, he replied, a sorry smirk on his face.

She chuckled, and started to braid her hair. When she was done, she said:

\- Alright, I think this will be enough exercise for the day. I’ll have to take a nap to get over it. Let’s go back to the bed.

When they had managed to make their way back, she sat on the edge of the bed. As John helped her sit back, she grabbed his jacket, and pulled him down, until their lips met. It was a short and light kiss, but John felt like a firework had broken out in his chest. As they stood forehead against forehead, he whispered:

-I love you Anna.

She shot him a watery smile.

\- Would you lie with me for a little while? she asked.

He had spent the last two nights on a chair, so the prospect of lying in a soft bed beside his wife did feel like heaven to him. He put his shoes off, and settled next to her. She nestled her head against his chest, and whispered:

\- When I was out, I had a weird dream, in which you were telling me poetry… Something about golden locks…

He chuckled:

\- I did tell you a poem while you were out. Do you want to hear it again?

\- Sure.

\- _Yestreen I had a_ _pint_ _o' wine,_ _  
_ _A place where_ _body saw_ _na;_ _  
_ _Yestreen_ _lay on this breast o' mine_ _  
_ _The gowden locks of Anna._ _  
_ _The hungry Jew in wilderness,_ _  
_ _Rejoicing o'er his manna,_ _  
_ _Was_ _naething_ _to my hinny bliss_ _  
_ _Upon the lips of Anna._

He smiled as she snuggled closer to him. She rested her hand on his chest and sighed. He went on with the poem, until he came to the last verse:

\- _She is the sunshine_ _o’_ _my e'e,_ _  
_ _To live but her I canna;_ _  
_ _Had I on earth_ _but_ _wishes three,_ _  
_ _The first should be my Anna._

And he heard her snoring softly. He kissed her temple, and closed his own eyes.

Moments later, Mrs Hughes knocked and entered the room. She stopped when she saw the two of them snuggled against each other, deeply asleep. She smiled, and silently went out and closed the door. She chuckled when she thought that Mr Carson would find the idea of two servants sleeping in a guest bedroom totally inappropriate, but she felt they both had been through enough to deserve it. To hell with propriety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I'll admit I have been a little weak, I can't kill Anna, although with that condition in the 1920s, without antibiotics, she would have very likely died...   
> But I need my story to go on so let's say she beat the odds...   
> And, also, I did borrow a mythical scene from "Out of Africa" ;)


	10. chapter 10

A week later, Dr Clarkson had deemed Anna in a good enough state to make the return journey to the cottage. Bates had been given a fortnight off by Lord Grantham to stay with her and supervise her convalescence. Thomas had been asked to step in as a deputy valet during this time. As for Anna’s work, Baxter insisted to take almost full charge, as a way of making up for the consequences of her advice. Returning to the cottage had been hard at first for Anna, as it made her harshly realize everything she had lost during those three months. Happiness, intimacy with her husband, easiness with her own body, the simple ability to sleep unconcerned, all these things were gone. Of course, there was no secret anymore between John and herself, but there was still a very long way to go to recover the happy conjugal life they had had before. Although she could bear, and even enjoy him touching her innocently on her hands, arms, cheeks, even if she welcomed light kisses on her face or hands, and liked to snuggle close to him, she couldn’t think of him seeing her unclothed, or touching her in more intimate places, or even less having a full physical relationship. The trauma was still very acute within her. John did his best to be very careful, not to startle her, not to enter the bedroom or the bathroom whenever she was changing, and to keep his touches unambiguous, and she was grateful for him. Being just the two of them, in their own bubble, without being subjected to the others’ gaze, even if it was a friendly gaze, was what they needed right now.

* * *

_“_ _Mrs Bates, your husband’s away, so I’m told! Maybe you and I could have some more fun together… Oh, you’re having my child! So that means I’m your husband now, I’m taking you with me!_

_\- No, no, leave me alone, I’m married already!_

_\- I don’t care, your husband’s not there,_ _you’re_ _com_ _ing_ _with me!_

_-_ _No! No! I don’t want to!_

_\- Do you think I care what you want…”_

Anna was twisting and turning in the bed, moaning and mumbling “No, no”. John was startled awake by a kick in his calf. He turned around and saw his wife in the middle of an obvious nightmare.

\- Anna! Anna! he whispered, trying to wake her up.

As she didn’t respond, and kept moaning, he tried to shake her up gently, saying a little louder:

\- Anna! It’s alright, you’re having a bad dream.

But his touch on her arm made her panic, and she started kicking him and pushing him fiercely away. In her desperate attempt to jerk away from him, she got too close to the other edge of the bed, and fell down off the bed. She hit the floor with a yell, startling awake at last.

\- Oh Lord Anna! Are you alright?

John hurried around the bed to crouch near her on the other side.

She was panting hard and seemed completely lost, still in transition between nightmare and reality. John wanted to soothe her but feared that he would manage the opposite despite his good intentions. He tried talking to her before touching her.

\- Anna, darling, it’s me, John. You’re at home, you’re safe. It was a nightmare.

Her gaze slowly focused as she seemed at last to come back to the here and now, but no words came to her, and she only broke into harsh sobs. His heart broke at seeing her in that state. For as long as he would live, he would never forgive himself for not having protected her from the assault of that disgusting man. She was now scarred, probably for ever, all because of his own failure. He gently put his hand on her, and continued talking in her ear:

\- Anna, my love, it’s alright, you are safe. You’re at home with me, nothing bad can happen to you now.

\- John… she cried as she suddenly snuggled into his embrace.

He welcomed her and closed his arms around her.

\- I’m sorry… she continued.

\- Sorry for what my darling?

\- I think I kicked you and pushed you.

\- Oh, that. That’s nothing. You were not aware of what you were doing.

\- No. I thought you were… him.

\- It’s alright. He’s dead, remember? It’s just the two of us now. You’re safe.

She sighed deeply, circling his waist with her arms.

\- Thank you. For your patience. For being there for me.

\- That’s only what a husband should do.

\- Oh, not all husbands would, believe me.

\- Then they wouldn’t deserve a wife like you. You’re the most important thing in my life Anna. Without you, I am nothing.

She managed a little smile.

\- I love you John.

\- I love you too. Well, now we’re both awake, how about we go down and I’ll make some tea? I don’t think we’ll be able to go back to sleep at once…

\- I agree… Yes, let’s.

While he was boiling some water for tea, John felt a surge of anger at the man, and was once again glad that he had never found himself face to face with him after knowing what he’d done. He really didn’t know how he would have been able to control his murderous instincts. Even now, knowing he was dead, he still felt that death was too sweet a punishment for the damage he’d done on his sweet Anna. He didn’t believe in heaven or hell, yet this time he would have liked to know there was a hell for him. When the water was hot, he poured it in the teapot, took the biscuits tin off the shelf and took the tray to the living-room. He smiled to Anna, who had curled up in a ball on the sofa under a blanket. He handed her a cup of tea, and asked:

\- Are you feeling a little better?

She nodded slightly as she blew on her hot tea.

\- Would you like a biscuit?

Her appetite had improved lately, but it was still not was it had been before everything. So John tried to make her eat whenever he could.

\- Yes, thank you, she said with a small smile.

He sat down on the sofa beside her, nursing his own cup of tea.

\- You’re having an awful lot of those horrible nightmares… Maybe we could go see Dr Clarkson, ask him for something to soothe you to sleep?

She frowned.

\- I don’t really like the idea of relying on medication to sleep… That’s a dangerous habit to have.

\- Maybe. But getting no proper sleep isn’t good either. How are you supposed to heal if you never get peaceful sleep?

\- It’ll get better in time I guess. Or I’ll learn to manage with less sleep…

\- Which could be good practice for…

He stopped dead in the middle of his sentence, realizing what he had been meaning to say. Now was about the worse time to bring up that topic, and he cursed himself for having talked ahead of himself.

\- For what? she said coyly.

Although she knew what he had meant, and it pained her to know that it would probably be a very long time until they could hope for it again.

\- No, nothing. Forget what I said, answered John.

\- I know what you meant John, she said after a moment’s silence. And… I’m sorry.

\- You have nothing to be sorry about my darling, he replied strongly. The only thing that matters right now is that you heal, body and soul. All the rest we can figure out later. But I still wished you asked Dr Clarkson about your sleep.

\- I have to go see him next week to check up anyway. See if he’ll allow me to go back to work…

\- To work? So soon? Are you sure this is wise?

\- Not on a full scale, but… You’ll have to go back in a week, do you think I’ll fancy being on my own all day here? I’ll go mad, that’s what. We’ll fashion some arrangement with Lady Mary.

And as a happy coincidence, on the following afternoon, just as Anna woke up from taking a nap, she heard a knock on the cottage door. As she went down the stairs, John went to open the door, and she heard him say:

\- Oh, Lady Mary! Please, enter, Anna will be so pleased to see you.

\- Thank you Bates, she said as she entered.

Bates took her coat and she entered the small living-room. Bates thought to himself that it was the first time Lady Mary came to the cottage. She beamed at Anna:

\- Anna! You look so much better, I’m glad!

\- Thank you m’lady, it’s so kind of you to come visit, I bet you have plenty of other important things to do!

\- Oh, not so much… said lady Mary, smiling.

\- Would you like some tea m’lady? asked Bates.

\- Oh no, thank you, don’t bother for me, I won’t stay long. I have to meet Mr Branson shortly, to go and visit Yew Tree Farm.

Bates nodded, as he presented a chair to Lady Mary.

Mary and Anna sat together and started chatting.

\- So, Anna, what I really want to know, is when you think you’ll be able to come back? I miss our chats… she said in a low voice, making a mischievous smile.

\- Oh, I don’t know m’lady. I’m supposed to see Dr Clarkson in a few days to discuss that precisely. Mr Bates obviously isn’t too keen on me going back so soon, but… I miss working… And our chats too, she teased.

\- Maybe we could find a way for you not to overdo it. You could work like part-time for a while. I don’t know, maybe you could let Baxter manage breakfast so you don’t have to lift the trays, and you could rest in the mornings. Then you could come to the Abbey around luncheon, do some lighters tasks, dress me for dinner, and then go back home. What do you think?

\- I think that might work… I’ll talk with Dr Clarkson. I’ll be glad really, it’s not my kind to stay all day at home and do nothing. And I’m afraid it will not do me so much good to stew alone with my thoughts for too long…

Lady Mary offered a bittersweet smile.

\- I can guess… Well, let me know, she said, getting up. I’ll leave you two now.

\- Good afternoon m’lady.

\- Good afternoon to you two, said Lady Mary, walking towards the door.

Bates was already there waiting with her coat ready.

\- Good afternoon m’lady.

She nodded to both of them and left.

* * *

\- Hello Mrs Bates, Mr Bates, called Dr Clarkson with a kind smile. Come in!

He gestured for Anna and Bates to enter his office.

\- I am glad to see that you are up and about!

\- Yes, thank you doctor, I feel much better.

\- That was a close call, he said, remembering those few days when she had been suspended between life and death. So, have you had any more fever since last time we met?

\- No Doctor.

\- Are you eating well?

\- As much as I can, she said, shooting a side look to her husband.

\- Are there any more pains?

\- Well I do have some belly aches sometimes, but it’s getting better with time.

\- It’s Anna’s sleep we are a bit worried with, Doctor, said Bates. She keeps having a lot of nightmares, and gets so little sleep…

Dr Clarkson frowned:

\- Well, given what Mrs Bates has been through, I can hardly say I’m surprised… I’m confident that all this will fade away with time, and proper emotional support, he said smiling to Bates. Right now if they are really bad, I can make a prescription for a mild sedative, would you want it Mrs Bates?

\- I’m not really keen on it, but maybe just sometimes, when I’m really tired…

\- Alright. Now, if you’ll follow me for an examination, he added, gesturing to the exam room right next to his office.

When they were back to his desk, a few minutes later, Dr Clarkson crossed his hands, and looked at them both with an anxious gaze.

\- Mr and Mrs Bates, there is a point that we have not yet discussed, and I think the time has come for it. Mrs Bates has suffered a very serious infection, that has extended to the uterus and the tubes. To be honest, I thought that you were not going to make it alive, and I’m very glad that I was wrong. But now, I’m afraid there will be lasting consequences to this infection. The uterus and the tubes, when healing, will fill with scar tissue.

A heavy weight fell upon Anna, as she was slowly realizing what Dr Clarkson meant.

\- What does that mean Doctor? asked Bates in an uncertain voice.

\- That means I’m barren… whispered Anna, hardly holding her tears back.


	11. Chapter 11

\- That means I’m barren… whispered Anna, hardly holding her tears back.

Dr Clarkson looked at Anna with a compassionate smile:

\- Barren might be a harsh word for it, and we doctors will never say never, but yes, I believe it is very likely that you will have great difficulties being pregnant again. And should you be pregnant, there would be a very small chance of the pregnancy going on to its term.

\- But isn’t there something to be done about it? asked Bates hopefully. Some kind of treatment to reverse this?

\- I’m afraid not Mr Bates. I’m sorry. You can always meet with a gynecologist to ask for a second opinion. If you wish, I can refer you to some very competent specialists.

\- That won’t be necessary Doctor, answered Anna, stone-faced.

There was no way she could tell her shameful story to another doctor.

\- We’ve taken enough of your time already. Thank you so much. Goodbye.

She nodded to him, and started walking to the door. She got out without looking back. John made to follow her, alarmed, realizing they had not even discussed her going back to work as they had planned.

\- I’m sorry Doctor, I… he started.

\- Go Mr Bates. She needs you, said Dr Clarkson.

\- Thank you, nodded Bates. Goodbye.

Dr Clarkson stood silent for a while behind his desk. He was sorry that Mrs Bates was made to pay the high price for the bad choice she had made out of desperation. He thought that a fair number of couples would break under those dire circumstances, and he hoped it wouldn’t be the case for them. He liked them.

* * *

The whole walk back to the cottage was spent in a heavy silence. Tears kept streaming down Anna’s cheeks, that she didn’t even bother to brush away. John had tried to take hold of her hand, but she had taken it away. They had stopped at the pharmacist to buy the sedative Dr Clarkson had prescribed. John had gone in while Anna stood outside, being unable to talk to anyone.

When they got home, Anna walked straight upstairs and closed herself in the bedroom. So there it was, she thought. She was totally worthless now. Not only was she stained forever, but now she was depriving John of the family he deserved, and wished for so dearly. Thoughts of disappearing assaulted her again. Anything to get away from all this pain. She held in her hand the sedative bottle. She wondered how long she would sleep, or even if she could die, if she drank it whole in one shot. The doctor had said five drops in some water before going to bed. Even if it was not time to go to bed, she counted ten drops and swallowed them. She so desperately needed to take a break from the suffering.

Downstairs, John stayed alone. He didn’t follow her upstairs, but crumbled on the sofa and put his head in his hands. Sobs escaped his lips. As much as he tried to stay strong for Anna, the doctor’s announcement was a hard blow to him too. Having a family with Anna was his dearest wish, and he had hoped for it for so many years. He didn’t feel mad at her, because she had been through some pain that he, as a man, could only imagine, but once more, he felt anger and loathing for the man responsible for shattering their whole future. And once again, he thanked fate, as he didn’t believe in God, for having killed him before he could do it himself. He stayed silent and shocked for a long while, and when he came back to reality, daylight had started to fade. He lit up the lamps and started to look for something to cook for dinner. He didn’t feel hungry at all, but Anna needed to eat. She was still weak and missing several pounds. He went upstairs to tell her dinner was ready. He lightly knocked on the door, and when there was no answer, entered. He came around the bed to Anna’s side, where she seemed to sleep. He gently rubbed her arm, softly calling to her:

\- Anna? Darling, you should come eat something.

But she didn’t react. He then saw the open sedative flacon, and his heart skipped a beat. He was reassured when he lifted it to his eyes and saw that only a very little part was missing. Well, he thought, she needed the sleep at least as much as the food, so he decided to let her sleep. He went back to the kitchen, forced himself to eat a little and put everything away, before settling on the sofa and trying to read. But he found that his dark thoughts did not allow him to focus on his novel, so he went upstairs and lay beside Anna. He wished he could take some drops for a dreamless sleep too.

* * *

When Anna woke up a few hours later, it was the middle of the night, and John was softly snoring beside her. The drops had let her have a stone-heavy sleep, undisturbed by any nightmare. She felt her thoughts were much clearer now. She knew what she had to do. She was of no use to anyone now, and especially not to John. She silently got up, went down the stairs, being careful to avoid the creaky stair, put her shoes on and her coat on top of her nightgown, and walked out of the cottage.

Outside, the full moon was casting an eerie light over the Yorkshire late summer landscape. She walked fast and decidedly, holding the sedative flacon in her closed fist. After a short walk, she arrived to her goal, the pontoon walking over Downton’s small lake. She walked to the end of it, and fell to her knees, at the exact same place where Mrs Hughes had made John throw out his limp corrector so many years before. There, she howled to the moon her pain and desperation. Every day she thought she had no more tears to shed, yet every day brought new ones. She felt doomed. Did this so-called “merciful” God really intend her to have accepted with good grace to bear that child she didn’t want, forced upon her by a man she despised? Should there be no other way for a woman in her situation, but to endure this kind of suffering, or else risk her life and her future? How was this fair, she thought as she sobbed in her knees, still holding the flacon tightly in her hand. She straightened a bit, and looked at it. If she swallowed it whole, and let herself fall into the water, there would be no more pain. John would be a widower, he’d find another wife, one who would give him what he deserved. He could still be happy, without her.

In the cottage, John woke up in a startle, a strange feeling on emptiness creeping upon him. He turned around, and saw that Anna’s side of the bed was empty. He noticed right away that the sedative bottle was missing too. Dread fell upon him. He got up quickly and called out as he went downstairs:

\- Anna! Anna!

He searched the house until he noticed the front door left ajar. Oh Lord, how would he find her? Did she intend to do something radical? Fear was creeping into his soul. He wondered if he should go searching for her, or go to the Abbey and wake the others up to help him. But it was three o’clock in the morning, the back door would be locked… He started walking through the estate, holding back his tears, hoping she hadn’t gone too far. He called out her name at regular intervals, only to be answered by silence. Then an intuition struck him. The pond. He started walking as fast as he could in its direction. When he came in sight, the bright moonlight let him distinguish a crumbled human form on the wooden pontoon. Relief flooded him as he called louder:

\- Anna!

She had uncorked the sedative flacon and was preparing to drink it when she heard his voice in the distance:

\- Anna!

The sound froze her and stopped her in her deadly tracks. She felt the impacts of his hurried steps on the wooden structure, and soon he was at her side.

\- Anna… My darling, for heaven’s sake, what are you doing here?!

She turned to look at him, and her tears-washed face, bathed in the moonlight looked like a desperate angel’s to him. He noticed her fist closed around the small bottle. His first move was to take her hand, gently force her fingers open and take it away from her. He then took out a handkerchief and wiped the tears off her cheeks, but to no avail as they were right away replace by fresh ones.

\- John… she said in a shaky voice. I’m so sorry. I’ve let you down. I’m spoiled and useless. I cannot be a wife to you any more, and I cannot give you the family you deserve. You should let me go. I won’t fight you. I’ll go away, and you’ll find someone else, someone who can give all this to you.

John looked at her in disbelief. He took both her hands and looked deep into her eyes.

\- Anna May Bates. (He insisted on her married name). You are my wife, and I have absolutely no intention of changing that. You've not let me down. There are no words less true than those. I didn’t marry you for the children you might give me, although, yes, I would have loved it. I married you because I love you more than my own life, and I certainly don’t want to build a family with anyone else! Look up Anna, he told her as he lifted her chin until she looked him back in the eyes. You are the apple of my eyes, and as I have told you already, I will love you however, whatever, whenever. We will find our way Anna. I promise you, we will.

She crumbled into his arms, sobbing her heart out, and repeating:

\- I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

\- I know, he answered softly, as he rocked her gently while stroking her hair.

After a few minutes of silently shared tears, he got up and lifted her up.

\- Now come on. Let’s go back home, he whispered, leading her away, an arm around her shoulders.

* * *

When they were back home, John made Anna sit in the sofa. He noticed that she was shaking harshly.

\- Rest here, I’ll make some tea, he said, gently squeezing her shoulders.

She didn’t respond. She seemed utterly exhausted, and out of any willpower. A few minutes passed, and he brought her cup of tea, bitterly thinking that having tea in the dead of night was becoming a habit lately. He sat near her and said softly:

\- Please, Anna, don’t do this again. I thought I had lost you, and to be honest, I have thought this enough times recently. I need you, and I love you. I wish you would stop thinking such horrible things about yourself, because they are not true. You are worth everything to me. You are my whole world, my whole life.

She turned to him and answered with a sad smile:

\- Thank you John. You are my world too.

He took her hand and asked gently:

\- Might I kiss you?

Her smile widened a little bit, and she nodded. He cupped her cheek, and very slowly brought his lips to hers, trying to convey to her all she represented to him. The warmth of John’s lips softly brushing on hers lit a little flame of living will into her. She rested her head on his shoulder and stayed there for a long while. At last, John whispered:

\- We should go back to bed.

She quietly nodded. He took the sedative out of his pocket, and showed it to her:

\- What are we to do with this? Can I trust you to use it wisely, or should I keep it stored safely?

She thought over his question for a while, and answered:

\- Yes maybe it would be best if you kept it for a while. You can give me the drops at night.

\- Alright.

She started going to the bedroom, while he went to the kitchen and stored the flacon in a box at the back of the highest shelf he could find. When he went upstairs, she was already in bed, facing his side. He crept into the bed and she came to snuggle into his embrace. She rested her head on his chest, and he kissed the top of her head, gently stroking her cheek. He whispered into her ear:

\- She is the sunshine of my eyes, to live but her I cannot. Had I on Earth but wishes three, the first should be my Anna.

A discreet smile passed upon her lips for a split-second, then she took a deep sigh and closed her eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

At the end of the week, Anna, John, and Lady Mary had all agreed that it would be good for Anna to go back to work on the light schedule that Lady Mary had suggested. John had to go anyway, and both he and Anna did not like the idea of her staying alone at the cottage on her own all day. Anna needed to go back to a somewhat “normal” life, to take her mind off her dark thoughts with everyday duties, and John preferred to be able to keep an eye on her. He had discreetly talked to Baxter and Mrs Hughes about Anna’s emotional struggles, and asked them to look after her, which they both gladly accepted. Lady Mary was delighted to have her confident back, whom she could discuss her heart issue with. She had a handful of suitors tailing her these days, and choosing between them was a hard task. She didn’t even know if she wanted to chose one. So debriefing the day’s events with Anna was something she really enjoyed. However, since she had come back, even though she made obvious efforts to take her part in the conversation, Anna was still not her usual self. The cheerful and outgoing maid Lady Mary had been used to was much more silent and subdued. That particular evening, Lady Mary decided to investigate the matter.

\- Is anything the matter? she asked casually.

\- No.

\- I mean, you're getting better, the threat to your health has gone away, you and Bates are back under the same roof… I guess everything is not so easily settled, but I would have expected you to be a little more… cheerful. Instead, you seem rather cast down.

Anna sighed as she was laying Lady Mary’s clothes on the bed.

\- Life’s never simple m’lady, she bluntly stated.

\- You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.

\- It's almost funny really, considering what I’ve done… You know Mr Bates and I have always wanted children.

\- And you’ll have some now I’m sure.

\- No, I won’t. Dr Clarkson says I can’t. It seems God has seen fit to punish me for refusing to have this particular child, by denying me to bear any child ever.

\- Oh. Is he sure of that?

\- He says it is a consequence of the infection. He thinks it is highly unlikely I will ever get pregnant again.

\- Oh, Anna… I’m sorry…

\- It’s alright m’lady. I’ve got used to the idea. Some women can’t have children, and I’m one of them.

\- But… shouldn't you get a specialist’s opinion? I mean, when I was first married, I couldn’t get pregnant either. I went to see a Dr Ryder on Harley Street, he found I needed a tiny operation, I had it, and George was the result. Maybe he could do something for you?

\- Dr Clarkson seemed to thing that nothing could be done. And, to be honest, I really can’t explain what happened to another doctor. Dr Clarkson has been very kind and has not judged me, but I don’t know that all doctors would be so understanding, and I really can’t talk about it. But thank you very much for suggesting it.

\- Well. If you ever change your mind about it, let me know, I’ll arrange you an appointment.

\- That’s very kind of you m’lady. Will that be all?

\- Yes, thank you Anna.

As Anna walked out of the room, Lady Mary stayed stunned by this latest blow in the Bates’s rough path. It seemed no misery would be spared on them.

* * *

The next day, Bates entered the boot room, holding a pair of Lord Grantham’s shoes, and found Anna crying in her handkerchief.

\- This isn’t right, he said, walking to her.

\- Give me a moment, she answered. I’ll be fine.

\- No, I mean, it’s not right for you to cry alone. You’re married, that means you never have to cry alone again.

\- I told lady Mary last night. She was kind of course, but it just brought it all back.

\- We must learn to be content as we are. Which is easy for me, since I have you.

\- And it’s my fault, and not yours. I can’t give you what you need.

\- Anna, to me we are one person, and this person can’t have children.

She smiled bitterly.

\- That’s not true, but thank you for saying that.

\- Have you ever thought about adoption?

\- I have. But I don’t think it would work for you. You’re tribal, Mr Bates, and a tribe doesn’t have a lot of members. You want your own child, no substitute will do…

\- But see, that’s where I think you are wrong. Oh, surely, I would have been thrilled to see you bear our child. But since that can’t happen, I’m not closed to other options. There are so many children in need of a home, and we definitely have a home in need of a child. So why not? I really think we could be good parents. I know you would be a natural mother. And I would love any child that would make you happy.

Anna looked at him with a hopeful light in her eyes:

\- Are you sure? You’re not only saying that to please me?

\- I’m dead serious my darling.

She smiled and kissed him gently:

\- I love you John.

\- I love you too. So, we’ll discuss this further when you’ve healed, when you feel stronger, alright?

\- Alright.

They hugged for a while, and Anna got out of the room while John attended to Lord Grantham's shoes.

* * *

Everyday life slowly returned to some kind of normal for John and Anna over the next months. Anna regained her usual weight, and her sleep gradually improved. She needed the drops less frequently as time went by. She still had some nightmares, and there were some times when sadness or anxiety would wash over her, but she handled it better. She found that there were also more moments when she genuinely laughed when someone told a funny story in the servants’ Hall. Slowly, the dream of giving birth to John’s child transformed into the dream of becoming parents to a child in need of a family. It would not be the same, but it would be sweet too. Closely supported by John, Baxter, Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary, she felt more like her previous self with every new day, although of course some scars would never go away.

Six months had passed since John’s return from New-York. On this crispy winter day, both John and Anna had taken a day off, for no special reason but to spend a day together. Snow had been falling all night, and when they opened the curtain after a late lie-in, they discovered their surroundings covered in a thick white layer.

\- Oh look, John, how beautiful! exclaimed Anna.

She had always loved snow, and felt excited like a little girl at the sight of it. The sun was shining again, and made the whole landscape glitter with a million sparkles. She turned to John with a bright smile:

\- Oh let’s go have a walk and enjoy the sight! she beamed.

\- Alright, if you want to, my darling, said John, a little unsure of walking in the snow with his stick.

But as always, he was prepared to do anything that would make her happy. So after eating their breakfast, they put on their warmest clothes and went outside hand in hand. They walked leisurely across Downton estate, and their steps led them to the pond, which was frozen. John’s hand held tighter on Anna’s as they walked past the lake, both their minds thinking of that dreadful night a few months ago. Anna stopped walking and for a moment she silently looked to the place where she had crumbled down and almost taken her own life. After a while, she sighed and whispered:

\- That night I thought there was nothing left for me in this life. But I was wrong, she added, lifting her gaze to meet John’s, and smiling. I’m glad you came and stopped me.

\- I’m very glad too, answered John, bending over her and brushing his lips on hers.

As he parted from her, she took hold of his scarf and pulled him close again, kissing him more intensely, her tongue asking permission to invade his mouth, permission he gladly granted her. As they kissed more passionately, they lost their balance and both fell into the thick snow, laughing out loud. They were both dusted in snow, and struggled to get back on their feet, and brush the snow off their clothes. Anna shivered as she looked at her cold and wet gloves, and John said:

\- We should go home. We don’t want you to catch a cold.

\- Yes, I’d rather like a hot bath right now.

\- Let’s got run you a bath then, he said, kissing her bright red nose.

When they were home and had shed their coats and wet winter attire, Anna stood warming herself by the fire, while John went upstairs to run her bath. When it was ready, he called her and she came upstairs to the bathroom. As usual since the attack, he made to leave the bathroom when she entered, to allow her some privacy. But that day, she felt different. She grabbed his hand to prevent him from leaving and said shyly:

\- Maybe we could share that bath?

His heart bounced when he heard her suggestion.

\- Are you sure you want to my darling?

\- I do, she answered, smiling, as she pulled him close and started slowly undoing the buttons on the front of his shirt. When the shirt was lying on the floor, she took off his under-shirt over his head, and discarded it next to the shirt. She laid both her hands flat on the sides of his chest, and started peppering light kisses just below his collarbones. He moaned in pleasure, but put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her slightly away:

\- Anna, you don’t have to do that if you’re not ready.

Without talking, she took his hands off her shoulders, and put them on her hips, before kissing him right under his jaw and whispering in his ear:

\- I want to.

Her hands went down and started unbuckling his belt and undoing his pants. When he was down to his underwear, she told him:

\- Now you undress me.

\- You sure? he hesitated.

\- Yes I am.

\- If at anytime you feel unsafe, or you want me to stop, just tell me alright?

\- I will, she said, circling her arms around his neck.

Her heart pounded hard in her chest as he gently stripped her off. She felt as shy and nervous as she had on their wedding night, when he had done that for the first time.

\- So, she said when they were finally both naked, shall we have this bath?

He climbed into the bathtub first, and she settled next, sitting in front of him, her back resting against his chest. He circled his arms around her, his hands resting just below her breasts, and she settled her head against his shoulder. She was lying naked in her husband’s arms, and she felt good. To them, it was a tremendous victory upon the past.

After a while, the water started feeling cold, so they went out and dried one another. Without really knowing why, Anna felt a positive energy filling her, and she wanted to go further. Dropping her towel on the floor, she pulled John close and pressed the front of her body against his.

\- Please, make love to me, she whispered in his ear.

John almost startled when he heard her saying that. It had been more than nine months since they had last been intimate, and although there had been some cuddling and some physical closeness, he had always been very careful to keep his touches chaste and innocent. He feared she wanted to take a giant step at once and that it would backfire on them.

\- Er… Are you sure you’re ready for this my darling? he asked, uncertain.

\- Yes, I am… Please, I need it, she pleaded.

There was a boldness in her, and she knew now was the right time. She wanted to act on it right away, for fear of losing the moment and not feeling it again for a long time.

\- If at any time, you need… John started, but she shushed him with a finger on his lips.

\- I know. Trust me? she said hopefully.

He kissed her finger and smiled at her.

\- I do trust you, he replied.

There was no more to be said, and soon they fell on the bed, hungrily rediscovering each other’s body after such a long famine. Anna managed to lose herself in the moment, and no unwanted thought assaulter her. Soon she guided John inside her and she felt whole again when they started moving together as one. Usually, John would be very attentive to her needs, and always made sure that she’d got her share of pleasure before allowing himself over the edge. But that time, his desire for her was so strong, and there had been such a long period of frustration, that his self-control eluded him, and he was undone very quickly. He felt ashamed for that, and apologized right away, hiding his head into Anna’s neck:

\- Oh God, darling, I’m sorry…

Anna chuckled lightly. The sound of her laughter was like music to his ear.

\- It’s alright… Actually I’m happy to have been able to give that to you, after such a long time. You’ve been so patient, and supportive, you really deserved it.

\- Let me make it up to you, he said, gently slipping out of her.

And he started working with his mouth and hands on her various sensitive spots. He had not forgotten what she liked and how she liked it done. She had for a while thought she had forgotten how it felt to love and be loved in a physical way, but she found her body quickly remembered. After a few minutes of John’s expert ministrations, the burst of intense pleasure made her cry out and left her shaking all over. She suddenly broke into tears, out of relief, and pride at having finally taken back what the man had robbed from them. She hid her face against John’s chest and murmured:

\- We did it, John.

\- _You_ did it, my love. I knew you were strong enough. You’re the strongest person I know. I’m so proud of you. I love you so much.

\- He’s not completely broken me after all, she said, kissing him fiercely. I love you too. Thank you so much.

\- You have nothing to thank me for. Thank yourself.

\- Oh I have plenty to thank you for. My life, for a start.

They stayed for a long while under the covers, bodies entangled and minds at ease, until Anna said:

\- Aren’t you hungry? I know I am.

\- You’re right, it’s late! Let’s go down and get something to eat.

\- Too bad we can’t ring and have someone bring us a tray… she laughed.

* * *

In the following days, Anna felt a lightness in her that she had not felt for a very long time, as if a heavy weight had suddenly lifted from her chest. Lady Mary soon noticed the change, and commented the next day:

\- You seem quite bouncy today… Has something good happened?

Anna couldn’t help but blush. She wanted to share her victory with someone, but feared she would be trespassing the boundaries of their master-servant relationship. But the colour on her cheeks and her mischievous smile lit Lady Mary's curiosity:

\- What is it? You’re blushing like a teenaged girl! she teased.

Anna laughed:

\- I shouldn't be talking about that m’lady. But… let’s just say that I have managed to be a proper wife to Mr Bates again.

\- Oh… answered Lady Mary with a knowing smile. Well I’m very happy for you both.

\- Thank you m’lady. I’m happy too. I hope now we can put all this behind us, and start thinking about the future again.

\- I see, and what would that future hold, may I ask?

\- Well, we have discussed about adoption…

\- That’s a nice plan. I know any child would be lucky to have you and Mr Bates as parents.

Lady Mary’s compliment went right into Anna’s heart, and she felt her eyes prickle.

\- Thank you so much for saying that m’lady. I hope that’s true. Anyway, we thought we’d really look into it when we’re back from the London season.

\- And if a child there should be, would you want to keep working for me?

\- I don’t know m’lady… Mr Bates and I had this old dream of buying a small hotel and managing it with our children around us. We might do that, but anyway, it is a plan that will take some time to work out, so I think we won’t be leaving you for at least some months, or even a year…

\- Well, please keep me and Papa informed on the advance of your plans.

\- We will, of course.

\- And meanwhile, any child of yours will be welcome to stay in the nursery with George and Sybbie, if it should be needed.

\- That’s very kind of you m’lady.


	13. Chapter 13

The next weeks were kept very busy with the preparations of the family’s moving to London for the Season, and all the business regarding Lady Rose’s presentation to the Queen. Bates scored a big point when he discreetly retrieved the Prince of Wales’s letter to Ms Dudley-Ward from Mr Sampson’s coat and handed it back to Lord Grantham. Later that night, Lady Mary assured Anna of the family’s gratitude and loyalty to both of them.

They were all back from London, and every one was gathered that morning around the large table in the servants’ hall, sharing breakfast as usual. Mr Carson was scanning the headlines in the Yorkshire daily newspaper, when he commented out loud:

\- Oh, listen to that! “Backstreet abortionist arrested in Ripon”.

Anna’s heart skipped a beat and her eyes met Baxter's in a split-second. Mr Carson went on reading the article:

\- “Mrs Janet Owens, who officially worked as a herbalist, was arrested last week in Ripon, on the charges of selling abortive potions, and performing illegal abortions. Ripon police are currently investigating about her customers”.

Anna’s cheeks went white as a sheet, as Mrs Hughes shot her a worried look. Mr Carson folded the newspaper and stated:

\- Well I hope she rots in prison. What a horrible business. And shame on her customers.

\- I’m afraid things are a little more complicated than that Mr Carson, said Mrs Hughes cautiously.

Anna was looking down to her knees, trying to swallow her last mouthful of toast, but a large lump had formed in her throat. It seemed this part of her life had not finished haunting her after all… She excused herself from the table and quickly went out to the courtyard. She was battling a fierce panic attack when Baxter and Bates both came out to her.

\- Anna, are you alright? asked Baxter. Seeing her hyperventilating, she went on: Oh, you’re not alright.

Bates put his hands on her upper arms and tried to help her handle the panic:

\- Anna, darling, look at me, slow breathing, that’s right, look at me.

Tears started falling down her cheeks. She pressed her fist to her mouth and cried:

\- Oh my God, John, it’s the woman I went to see! I can’t go to prison!

\- Did you give her your name? John asked worriedly.

\- No… I gave a false name. Ethel Smith.

\- Alright. Maybe you shouldn’t have used your maiden name…

\- That was the first thing that came to my mind… But it’s such a common name, it can’t prove anything…

\- Did anyone see you go in or out?

Baxter answered:

\- I don’t think so. I was careful.

\- Well, let’s hope they won’t manage to trace you. They can have no serious proof…

\- Oh Lord what if they do trace me and come up here to interrogate everyone. My God I will die from shame! Did you hear what Mr Carson said?!

\- We’ll handle it, said John, trying to sound reassuring. To everyone but four people in this house, there is absolutely no ground in this accusation. And I know those who know won’t sell you. I trust Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary. And I hope we can trust you too Ms Baxter.

\- Of course! replied Baxter. I was myself one of her customers you know. That’s how I knew her.

\- Oh.

\- Although it was eight years ago now, I don’t see how they could trace me. Even she didn’t remember me when we went with Anna. But don’t worry Anna, we’ll all support you if it comes to it.

John hugged Anna, and she quickly wiped her face. She deeply breathed in and out, and tried to regain her usual composure before going inside.

A while later, when she had finished dressing Lady Mary, Mrs Hughes called to her from the door of her sitting-room.

\- Anna? Would you come in please?

As Anna entered, Mrs Hughes gestured for her to close the door behind her.

\- Anna, said Mrs Hughes in a motherly tone, I just wanted to assure you that if the police come here and ask me some questions, your secret is safe with me. I won’t give you. Even though I don’t agree with the choice you made, I understand you made it out of distress, and I think you paid a high enough price for it. It’s not my habit to lie to the police, but in this particular case I believe it will be a legitimate lie.

Mrs Hughes's kindness brought tears to Anna’s eyes. Her voice was shaky as she answered:

\- Thank you so much Mrs Hughes.

\- Have you mentioned it to Lady Mary?

\- No… Not yet.

\- Maybe it’d be best to warn her. So that she’s not caught off guard if the police come here. But I bet they won’t. How could they trace you?

\- I very very much hope they won’t…

* * *

Anna’s anxiety reached once more a high level in the next days. Her sleep got worse, and the nightmares came back, although their content was different this time, involving her being ripped out from John’s arms and sentenced to years in prison. She had talked to Lady Mary about Mrs Owens’s arrest, and the lady had assured her that she wouldn’t say anything to the police if they ever came to ask her. John tried to stay calm and focused for both of them, but his previous experience of justice and prison made him very anxious too. However, nothing happened in the following three weeks, and they all started relaxing a bit.

* * *

\- Mrs Hughes? Mr Carson? called Mrs Patmore from the kitchen’s entrance.

Mrs Hughes was the first one to come across, and went to see what was going on.

\- Yes Mrs Patmore? What is it?

\- These gentlemen want to see you.

Mrs Hughes looked to said gentlemen. She didn’t know the two men.

\- Mrs Hughes, I’m the Housekeeper here. How may I help you gentlemen? she asked.

\- Inspector Vyner, said the first one, introducing himself. From York’s police, and this is Officer Powells. We are investigating a case of illegal practice of abortions in Ripon.

Mrs Hughes's heart fell when she heard that, but she managed to stay composed:

\- I really don’t see how I could help you with that, she said coolly.

\- May we speak somewhere private? asked Vyner.

She led them to her sitting-room and closed the door behind them.

\- So, how does this sad business concern me?

\- Not you personally, but a witness has tipped us that someone from your staff may have been involved with this abortionist.

\- What?! she exclaimed in a well-imitated surprise. Well I’m sure this is a mistake.

\- I don’t know, answered Vyner. That witness said she saw two women go in the abortionist’s shop, one dark-haired and medium-sized, and one younger, short-sized and blond-haired, and the blond one looked worried. She didn’t know the dark-haired woman, but she knew that the blond one worked at the Abbey, because she had served her in a shop in Ripon and they had discussed her employment. So, do you have a maid in your staff who would match this description?

Mrs Hughes was getting uncomfortable. She thought there was no point in lying about that, when all he would need was to summon the whole staff to find out that there was indeed a maid who matched this description perfectly… Unfortunately Anna was currently her only blond employee.

\- I do have a lady’s maid who is short and blonde, but she’s happily married, she would never need to use an abortionist’s services! I’m afraid your witness was mistaken!

\- Well, that would be our job to tell, thank you Mrs Hughes. May we speak to this maid?

\- Of course, I’ll go fetch her. If you would wait a minute.

Mrs Hughes exited her sitting-room and sighed deeply. She hoped Anna would manage not to break down in front of them. She inwardly cursed the witness who had given her to the police. As she started to search for Anna, she saw Mr Bates coming down the stairs. She called after him:

\- Oh, Mr Bates!

\- Yes, Mrs Hughes?

\- Oh dear… Two policemen are here, waiting in my sitting-room, they want to talk to Anna!

\- Oh dear Lord.

\- I’m sorry… It seems someone saw her and recognized her… Do you know where she is?

\- I think she’s in the laundry room.

\- Let’s go fetch her.

They both walked to the laundry room where indeed Anna was ironing some of Lady Mary’s clothes.

\- Anna? called softly Mrs Hughes.

When she looked up and saw both their anxious faces, Anna knew right away why they were here. She closed her eyes and slowly breathed out.

\- So, that’s it. They’re here for me?

\- I’m afraid so… frowned Mrs Hughes. They’re waiting in my sitting-room.

John went to her and took her hands, looking straight into her eyes:

\- Now remember. You were never pregnant, you never went to that shop, and if ever they ask about your illness, you had a kidney infection. Although I don’t see how they could know about it. We’re happily married and we are anxious to have children, so it wouldn’t make any sense for you to go see this kind of person. Be offended.

\- I’ll try my best, she said, pressing her lips together, trying to soothe her racing heart.

They went back to Mrs Hughes's parlor, and she and Anna went in.

\- Here she is, gentlemen. Do you mind if I stay while you talk to her? And her husband is right there, do you want to see him too?

\- I’d rather he waited outside, answered Vyner. You can stay, as long as you stay quiet. Hello, Mrs? he said, looking to Anna.

\- Mrs Anna Bates, she answered, trying to sound as calm and innocent as possible. Might I know what you want from me?

Vyner took a look at his notepad. Her name didn’t match any of the names given by Mrs Owens.

\- We are investigating women who might have used the services of an illegal abortionist. Have you heard of such thing?

Anna made a puzzled face.

\- I do know that it exists, but… what does it have to do with me? I’m married, and I would be very happy if I were pregnant. What would I want to do with such a person?

\- Well, you tell me, Mrs Bates. Because there’s someone who described a woman looking just like you, and who worked here at the Abbey, going into this shop. Around mid-August last year. Does that ring a bell to you?

Anna felt suddenly hot. Who could have recognized her? She didn’t know so many people in Ripon. It was someone who didn’t know her so well, since they didn’t know her name. That was something to be grateful for.

\- Well, I’m afraid this person was mistaken. Because I have never set foot into this shop.

\- So you’re telling us that you’ve never been pregnant, and never tried to get rid of it?

\- Of course not! she said hotly. As I told you, my husband and I are anxious to have a child, I would never do that!

\- So, can you tell me what happened to you mid-August last year? I’m told you suffered a very serious illness, that almost claimed your life. It would fit quite well with some unfortunate consequences of an illegal abortion, just saying…

Anna felt sweat starting to show on her brow. How on earth had he come across this information?

Mrs Hughes cut Vyner:

\- I’m sorry but how do you know about that? That’s her private life!

\- Mrs Hughes I asked you not to intervene. And for your information, your staff talked at the church bazaar…

\- I had a kidney infection! stated Anna. That has nothing to do with an abortion.

\- So you say. We’ll check that with your doctor.

She wondered anxiously if Dr Clarkson would corroborate her lie. She hoped so, after all it was his idea in the first place, but it was one thing to tell it to people at the Abbey and another to lie to the police…

\- Alright, Mrs Bates, thank you, I think we have enough for today. Might we talk to Mrs Bates's employer, Mrs Hughes? Lady Mary Crawley I think?

\- Lady Mary is out at this moment, I’m sorry. I’m afraid you’ll have to come back, said Mrs Hughes coldly.

\- Alright, we will, don’t worry. Well, ladies, good day to you. We’ll be in touch, said Vyner, nodding to them.

He went out, followed by his silent acolyte. When they were gone, John entered the room and closed the door. Anna threw herself into his arms, her shoulders shaking in hard sobs.

\- Oh Lord, John… They know about the infection…

\- What?! But how??

\- Apparently someone talked about it at the church bazaar and it fell into the wrong ears… said Mrs Hughes. Anna, she went on, do you have any idea who his “witness” might be? Someone who served you in a shop in Ripon and who you told you worked at the Abbey?

Anna wiped her eyes, and tried to focus on her memories of her last trips to Ripon. She was not one to babble a lot in shops and talk about her private life to anyone. But there was this time she went to buy some lace and silk for a new dress for Lady Mary. She had had to explain her employer’s wishes to the saleslady.

\- It might have been at Mrs Wiggins’s store… I went to buy materials for Lady Mary's dress, so I had to tell her who it was for.

John clenched his fists at the thought of this person selling Anna to the police.

\- I hope I never come across this Mrs Wiggins or I’ll have a few words for her and they might not be civilized.

\- We’ll have to tell Lady Mary as soon as she gets back. When is she supposed to be back? asked Mrs Hughes.

\- She’s having tea at Crawley House with Mrs Crawley, she should be there before the gong. I’ll tell her when I dress her for dinner, said Anna.

\- Alright. Anna, my dear, said Mrs Hughes, squeezing her arm, they only have one witness. Here, everyone will tell them the same thing, that she’s mistaken. I’m sure even Dr Clarkson will support you. They can’t go far with just that.

Anna sighed and briefly closed her eyes.

\- I very very much hope you are right, Mrs Hughes.

\- So do I, added John, brushing his hand against Anna’s back.

\- Let’s go back to work, said Anna.


	14. Chapter 14

At Crawley House, Lady Mary was enjoying a quiet afternoon having tea with her mother-in-law. In time, she had come to like Isobel’s company, and she sometimes dropped by and spent some time with her. It was refreshing to hear a different point of view than her own close family’s on some topics. This afternoon they had been discussing Isobel’s efforts in helping a Ripon charity that took charge of Russian refugees.

\- Those poor souls, said Isobel, they have lost everything they had, they have often lost a big part of their family too… They have to start over from scratch. And you know, a fair number of them were landowners back there in Russia, like your lot are here really, so they don’t have a proper profession, it’s hard for them to find any job…

\- I guess… answered Lady Mary. She thought a bit anxiously that she would indeed not fare very well if she found herself alone in an unknown country, where she could not use her social position and she would have to find a job to sustain herself…

But Isobel dropped the subject and suddenly asked Mary:

\- Oh, tell me, how is your maid doing? Anna? Is she better?

\- Well, yes, she is, thank you for asking. I mean, she’s recovered, but she and her husband are quite downcast, because Clarkson thinks that she won’t be able to get pregnant again after… well you know.

Isobel face fell at that news.

\- Oh. I can’t say I’m surprised though… It happens quite frequently after this kind of infection.

\- But you know, they seem to have handled the news, and now they’re talking about adopting a child…

\- That’s nice, said Isobel, smiling. I know there are plenty of children out there who would be better off with them. They seem to be decent folks.

\- Yes, they are. I do hope they find happiness, however they do.

\- That’s kind of you Mary, said Isobel with a twinkling eye.

\- Don’t look so surprised, I can be kind! said Mary, pouting.

* * *

In the servants’ hall, people were starting to gather, waiting for the gong to be rung. Mr Carson approached Mrs Hughes, asking:

\- Oh, Mrs Hughes, what did those two men want earlier?

Mrs Hughes looked sideways to Anna who was sitting at the table finishing some sewing. She was sorry for her and Mr Bates, but she didn’t see how she could avoid the story getting out downstairs, as the policemen would likely be back. She didn’t like lying to Mr Carson, but she couldn’t tell him the whole truth either. She answered him very quietly:

\- Some policemen from Ripon. They’re investigating the abortionist’s case, and apparently some silly witness have been feeding them nonsense about Anna going to see her…

Mr Carson startled:

\- What?! But this is preposterous!

\- Yes indeed it is. That’s why I hope this will be kept as quiet as possible and be settled very quickly.

\- I agree. I’m sorry, I have to go ring the gong.

As the gong rang, Anna put her sewing away and went upstairs to dress Lady Mary. While she was helping her with her jewels, Lady Mary noticed her shifting uneasily, as if she wanted to say something but didn’t dare.

\- What is it Anna? Is something the matter?

\- Well… Yes m’lady, answered Anna, blushing a bit. You know when I told you about the police investigation? Well, they were here earlier.

\- What? Oh no, but how did they find you?!

\- Apparently someone recognized me… And they also knew about my illness…

\- Oh Lord… Do you know who is it who sold you?

\- I’m not sure, but I have suspicions. I think it is Mrs Wiggins, who owns the haberdashery. You remember, last year I went there to buy lace and silk for your dress, and I told her I worked for you. She’s the only person in Ripon to whom I have given that information.

\- Oh, what a nice person. I give her my money and she gives my maid to the police. Well we’re not going to let her get away with that.

Anna looked concerned.

\- Hum, m’lady, what do you mean by that? I don’t know that it is wise to interfere…

\- No, no, don’t worry. I’ll just remind her that she has a shop and a reputation to maintain.

\- I’m not sure I’m quite comfortable with that m’lady…

She was growing nervous, fearing that Lady Mary’s initiative would only make things worse.

\- Anyway, she went on, the policemen said they wanted to talk to you too, so they’ll probably be back soon. They’re going to talk to Dr Clarkson too…

\- My my, they’re really going out of their way to bother women do they… Imagine a world where we could make our own decisions regarding our own bodies and men wouldn’t have their say in it.

\- That’d be nice, answered Anna, with a little smile.

\- Well they can come to interrogate me, as I told you already I will stick to the official truth.

\- Thank you so much m’lady.

Lady Mary had assured Anna of her loyalty a few weeks ago, and now was the time to turn her words into act.

* * *

A few days later, Vyner had come back and had an interview with lady Mary, but obtained no new information from her. The doctor had also confirmed Anna’s version of a kidney infection. Vyner was getting quite grumpy, and had doubts about the witness credibility. It did seem to make no sense that this married woman who had no child yet would seek to have an abortion. And he felt Anna was sincere when she said she would be very happy to be pregnant. His ground to prosecute her seemed feeble. He decided as a last attempt to organize a confrontation between her and the witness.

Next day at breakfast, as Mr Carson gave out the morning post, he handed out to Anna a letter from Ripon’s police department. Before she could hide it, Thomas saw it and said out loud in his usual nosy manner:

\- Ripon’s police? What do they want with you?!

Anna ducked her head down and put it in her pocket. Bates stepped in and snapped at Thomas:

\- Surely nothing that would concern you Mr Barrow.

\- I’m afraid Mr Bates is right Mr Barrow. This does not concern you, added Mr Carson sternly.

Barrow made a tight smile and returned to his breakfast. The last thing Anna wanted was for Thomas to put his nose into this story. Right at this moment, Lady Mary rung, so Anna got up and went to retrieve her breakfast tray and went upstairs. John’s eyes followed her away in a worried gaze.

Anna entered Lady Mary’s room and put her tray in front of her.

\- Good morning m’lady.

\- Good morning Anna. How are you today?

\- Fine m’lady. Although I just received a letter from Ripon’s police.

\- Oh, what did it say?

\- I haven’t opened it yet.

\- Well, do open it!

\- What, now?

\- Of course, I want to know what they want with you!

\- Alright, said Anna, pulling the letter out of her pocket.

She started reading it, and her heart fell.

\- They’re summoning me at the police station, for a confrontation with their witness.

\- Jesus… They won’t let it go… When even Clarkson told them to leave you alone… When do they want to see you?

\- It says next Thursday at three.

\- Alright. I’ll tell Papa to let Bates come with you.

\- Thank you m’lady… Will that be all?

\- Yes, thank you Anna.

* * *

That night at the cottage, Anna was pacing back and forth the living-room, the letter in her hand. John looked at her, worried, and grabbed her shoulders to make her stop.

\- Darling, sshhh, stop it. It’ll be alright.

\- But how do you know? What if he decides to arrest me and put me in jail right after the confrontation? Oh Lord I can’t go to jail… Maybe we should run away! she exclaimed with a desperate look in her eyes.

\- That would only make you look more guilty… Come on, they have no solid proof, only one witness’s affirmation, when everybody else, including a respected doctor, tell them the contrary. I don’t see how they can prosecute you.

\- I hope you’re right… she said, hiding her face into his chest.

He held her tight for a while. He wished more than anything in the world to tell her that he would protect her and that nothing wrong would happen to her ever again, but he knew that it was a promise that he could not keep, and it broke his heart.

* * *

On the eve of the confrontation, Mary entered the dining-room, to share breakfast with the others. His father looked startled at seeing her downstairs for breakfast, as she usually ate it in her room.

\- Mary, you’re down early? Do you have something specific planned?

\- Yes, Papa, I need to go to Ripon today, and as I know you need the car this afternoon, I figured I’d go this morning.

\- Oh, alright. What do you need to go to Ripon for?

\- Oh, just some shops to visit.

Lord Grantham accepted her explanations without asking further, and went back to his tea and his newspaper. Tom Branson asked her:

\- Do you need me to go with you Mary?

\- No, no, I’ll be fine with Stark. I won’t be long. I’m sure you have plenty of other things to do.

\- Alright.

An hour later, Lady Mary was walking decidedly in a Ripon street, and entered Mrs Wiggins’s haberdashery. Fortunately, this early in the morning, no other customer was in the shop. Mrs Wiggins came to her, smiling:

\- Good morning Ma’am, how may I help you?

Lady Mary put on her most contemptuous face, looking down on her with her “I’m a grand Lady” look:

\- Lady Mary Crawley, from Downton Abbey. I’ve been told you have gone to the police and told them ridiculous lies about my maid.

Mrs Wiggins frowned when she realized what she was talking about.

\- I’m afraid they were not lies, m’lady.

\- I’m afraid they were. You are supposed to see her tomorrow at the police station for a confrontation. I can only advise you to think very seriously on what you think you saw, and ask yourself if you’ve not been mistaken from the beginning. My maid is a fine person, she doesn’t deserve her life to be ruined because you think you saw a person who looked like her.

Lady Mary paused for a few seconds, and looked around the shop with an interested look. She looked at the shopkeeper and said:

\- This is a fine shop you have here, Mrs Wiggins. I bet it’s working out well. I think you have plenty of customers among my friends in the local nobility. It would be a shame to hear some lies spread out that would ruin your reputation and turn your clients away.

She shot her a dark and piercing look, making it clear that she was not joking and she was reading to bring her down.

\- Am I being clear enough? she asked

\- Yes, m’lady, you are, answered Mrs Wiggins, looking scared and pissed at the same time.

\- Perfect. Good day to you, then, said Lady Mary, turning around.

She went out the door and walked back to the car that was waiting a few yards down the street.

* * *

Just like her two previous trips to Ripon, this one was spent in a heavy silence. John sat near Anna on the bus, holding her hand. He could feel she was very tense, as she kept chewing on her lips and bouncing her leg. As they got closer and closer to Ripon, she felt the bus was driving her to the scaffold. She thought that if she got away today, she wouldn’t want to come back into this town ever again. Finally, much too fast to her liking, they found themselves standing in front of Ripon’s police station. She squeezed hard on her husband’s hand, closed her eyes and breathed in deeply.

\- So, there we go. If I don’t get out, just know that I love you, she said looking into John’s eyes.

\- They won’t keep you darling.

\- How can you know that, she said darkly.

She tried to collect herself as much as she could, and went inside, followed by John.

Twenty minutes later, Vyner was introducing her in a small office, where Mrs Wiggins was already sitting, looking nervous. It felt odd to Anna that she should be nervous when she was not risking anything, unlike herself.

\- So, stated Vyner, business-like. I have summoned you two today to try and clear some facts. Mrs Wiggins says she saw a petite blond woman going into the abortionist’s shop last August. Now, Mrs Wiggins, I want you to consider seriously your answer before giving it to me: Is Mrs Bates here the woman you saw going in?

Mrs Wiggins looked up to Anna, and scrutinized her face for a minute. Anna tried her best to look calm and innocent, although her heart was racing so fast she thought it would burst out of her chest, and she felt sweat running down her spine. Mrs Wiggins suddenly inhaled, and turned to Vyner:

\- I… I’m sorry… I can’t be sure it was her.


	15. Chapter 15

Anna found herself again in the street outside the police station, still dazed from what had just happened. She looked to John with tears in her eyes, and he tentatively took her hand, asking:

\- So? What happened?

\- I can’t believe it… She chickened out! She told Vyner she couldn’t be sure it was me. I find it really odd because the way she looked at me she seemed to be sure that it was really me… Why would she take pity on me now?

\- Well, we’ll never know and do we really care? Surely they’ll leave you in peace now, they don’t have anything left to prosecute you.

\- I guess so. But I will wait until it is official to rejoice over it. Let’s go home, I really can’t be in this town any longer.

As they entered the servants’ hall a little later in the afternoon, Mrs Hughes spotted them right away, and exclaimed:

\- Oh Anna, Mr Bates, how did it go? Come in my sitting-room and tell me.

Baxter, who was sitting at the table with some sewing, got up and asked:

\- Oh, may I come too?

Anna smiled to both of them, and they all entered Mrs Hughes’s parlor.

\- So? asked Mrs Hughes hopefully.

Anna exhaled and chuckled:

\- The witness bailed out… She said she wasn’t sure it was me.

\- Oh my God! said Baxter, joining her hands. Anna I’m so glad! I was so worried for you…

\- Oh, what a relief, added Mrs Hughes, fondly squeezing Anna’s hands. Oh I do hope this is really the end of that story now. You’ve been through so much… What did Vyner say?

\- Well, he looked very annoyed with Mrs Wiggins, and he told me I would be informed by mail of the Crown Prosecution Service’s decision to prosecute or not.

\- Oh God that’s one letter we’ll all be looking forward to, said Mrs Hughes.

\- Indeed, answered Bates. We would really like to move on now.

\- You have to tell Lady Mary, Anna!

\- I will Mrs Hughes, don’t worry about that, she said with a smile on her face.

As Anna entered Lady Mary's room that evening before dinner, she was immediately assaulted by her employer’s questions:

\- So, Anna, how did it go, tell me?

\- Well, it went a bit strangely really… Mrs Wiggins changed her testimony, and said she wasn’t sure it was me anymore. It was rather odd really, because the way she looked at me, she seemed to know that it was me. I don’t understand why she did that, although I’m so very glad she did.

Lady Mary chuckled:

\- I might have an idea as to why she did.

\- You do? asked Anna.

As Lady Mary didn’t answer further, but looked at her with a satisfied smile, Anna opened wide eyes and whispered:

\- M’lady, what did you do?!

\- Oh nothing much, just went there and had a little chat with her. Seems I chose the right words.

\- Oh my God, but what if she tells it to the police?

\- Trust me, she won’t. She knows I will have her shop closed if she does anything to harm you.

Anna looked at Lady Mary as her eyes welled up with grateful tears.

\- M’lady, thank you so much. I will forever be in your debt.

\- Nonsense. You’ve earned it fair and square, keeping my secrets for so long. Hiding that fearful Dutch thingamajig. Carrying poor Mr Pamuk’s body in the dead of night.

They both laughed.

\- We’ve had our moments, haven’t we m’lady? said Anna with a warm smile.

\- We have. And I told you we Crawleys are loyal to you and Mr Bates.

\- Thank you m’lady. Really.

Lady Mary answered only with a friendly smile.

* * *

A week later came the so-much-awaited-for letter. As Mr Carson handed it out to Anna at breakfast, her eyes met John’s and she got up right away. The two of them locked themselves up in the boot room. Anna gave the envelope to John with a trembling hand:

\- Please open it, I can’t.

John tore up the envelope and unfolded the letter, quickly scanning the text. He sighed loudly and looked at Anna joyfully:

\- “Decline to prosecute”…

Anna grabbed the letter from his hand and looked for herself:

\- Oh my God!

She laughed and cried at the same time.

\- Oh Lord, John, is it over? Is it really over this time?

\- Looks like it my darling, he answered, his own eyes watery.

She threw herself into his arms and wept her relief. He patted her back for a few minutes, tears streaming down his own cheeks too.

\- I owe this to Lady Mary and Dr Clarkson, said Anna, when she had straightened herself a bit. Without them I would be rotting in prison for God knows how long. We must go thank Dr Clarkson later. I haven’t had the chance to tell him since he testified to Vyner.

\- Maybe we can go this morning.

\- Yes, I’d like that.

\- Now we should get out and get to work, said John, handing her a handkerchief.

She smiled to him as she dabbed it on her cheeks.

* * *

At the end of the morning, John and Anna had managed to escape the Abbey for a little while, and were enjoying the late summer sunshine, walking hand in hand towards Downton Cottage Hospital.

When they entered the hospital, they asked the first nurse they met:

\- Hello Nurse, is Dr Clarkson around?

\- I think he’s in his office right now.

\- May we talk to him? Is he with a patient?

\- No, there’s no one with him. Go knock.

\- Thank you very much.

The nurse went away and they came to Dr Clarkson’s office door. They knocked and waited until they heard:

\- Yes, come in!

Dr Clarkson got up when he saw the Bateses entering.

\- Oh, hello, Mrs Bates, Mr Bates? Is something wrong? he frowned.

Anna smiled to him:

\- Not at all doctor, on the contrary. I just received this morning a letter from the CPS, saying they were not going to prosecute me. So, I wanted to come and thank you because I know your testimony has weighed a lot in my favour. I am so very grateful.

Dr Clarkson returned her smile warmly and said:

\- Well, I thought you had suffered enough from the consequences of your decision. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve had a kidney infection.

Bates held out his hand to shake:

\- Thank you doctor, really.

Dr Clarkson gladly shook his hand, then Anna’s, and excused himself:

\- I’m sorry, I must get going.

\- Of course, said Anna. Have a good day.

* * *

Later in the evening, they were walking back to the cottage, after their day’s work. Every involved person had been informed of the happy outcome, and they had cheered with each one of them. Lady Mary in particular had been thrilled that the matter was finally settled. Anna was enjoying the sunset light, holding John’s hand as they went back leisurely. She breathed in and out deeply, and turned to John:

\- I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that it really is over. It seems so unreal.

\- Me neither, answered John. I guess it’ll take some time for us to relax completely.

\- Then we can start planning again for our future? asked Anna with a light in her eyes.

\- We could… answered John with a smile.

He felt so happy that Anna had found her will to live again, and was focusing on their future. He didn’t fool himself that there would be no more hard moments, but hearing her speak those words was such a relief.

When they had settled in the sofa in the cottage’s small living-room, both nursing a cup of tea, he mused:

\- So, what do you think? Should we see about adoption, or should we focus first on finding a place to buy, and wait till we’re settled before looking for a child?

Anna thought over his question for a moment, and replied:

\- Well, as anxious as I am to get serious on this adoption thing, I think we should have our own place to live first… How would we manage a child with our current working hours? Lady Mary did offer me to keep them in the nursery with Master George and Miss Sybbie, but is it really appropriate… That would make me feel a little uncomfortable. And besides I don’t want my child to be looked after by the nanny…

\- That makes sense. Having our own business would let us keep them around us. So, are we starting to look for a hotel?

\- Yes, I think we should! said Anna with a happy gleam in her eyes.

\- But first I have to sell my mother’s London house. I’ll write to the tenants tomorrow to ask them if they want to buy it.

Anna yawned, and said:

\- Maybe we should start by going to bed. I’m exhausted.

As they were settling down in bed, she came to snuggle close to John. He wrapped his arms around her frame, and kissed the top of her head. She sighed, and whispered:

\- I love you Mr Bates.

\- I love you too, Mrs Bates.

He arched his eyebrow as he felt her hand creeping under his pyjama and starting to tease him.

\- Hum, didn’t you just say you were exhausted?

\- Maybe I found a little extra energy left, she smirked. Will you complain?

\- Absolutely not, he laughed, before bending to her and taking her lips into a passionate kiss.

* * *

_ Two months later _

Isobel Crawley was walking towards Ripon hospital, on this grey December morning. She entered and searched for the maternity ward. When she had found it, she stopped a nurse going by and asked her:

\- Excuse me, Nurse please?

\- Yes, how may I help?

\- I’m looking for Mrs Ivanova. I know she was admitted here yesterday, she was about to give birth. Do you know where I might find her?

The nurse’s face fell when she heard the woman’s name.

\- I’m sorry Ma’am, I’m afraid Mrs Ivanova has passed during childbirth. A haemorrhage.

\- Oh Lord… Where is her child?

\- Her baby and her eldest child are both being looked after in the paediatric ward.

\- Alright, thank you very much.

Isobel turned away and started walking towards the paediatric ward. She felt very sad, she had liked this young refugee mother she had tried to help for a few months now. She felt sorry for the two little orphans she left behind. In the paediatric ward, she looked for the Head Nurse.

\- Nurse? Hello, I’m sorry to bother you, I am Mrs Isobel Crawley, I work for the Refugee Relief Association, I was taking care of Mrs Ivanova, who passed away last night. I think her children are currently under your care?

\- Yes, they are.

\- Is the baby healthy?

\- She is.

\- Oh, it’s a girl. So, what will become of them now?

\- We’re keeping them under supervision until tomorrow, then they’ll be sent to the orphanage. Hopefully to be adopted.

\- Will they be kept together?

\- I can’t be sure of that. Babies are often adopted quicker than older children.

\- I see.

Suddenly an idea dawned on her.

\- Might I ask for a favour, Nurse? Would you keep them just a little while longer? I might have a solution for them.

\- Alright, but no more than three days. On Friday whatever happens, they’re out of my ward.

\- Thank you very much, Nurse. I promise I’ll be back before Friday.

While she went out, she stopped for a minute and watched the little dark-haired boy, who was sitting on a bed with a toy car and a Teddy in his hands, looking quite lost, and the baby that slept in a crib nearby. She had to go and see Mary right now.

One hour later, she was knocking on the front door of Downton Abbey. As Jimmy opened and let her in, she asked:

\- Is Lady Mary here? I need to talk to her, it’s urgent.

\- This way Ma’am, answered Jimmy, Lady Mary is in the library.

\- Thank you.

She knocked and entered in the library, where Mary was sitting alone.

\- Oh, good morning Cousin Isobel. To what do I owe this pleasure?

\- Oh, Mary, I need to talk to you. I have an idea, but I want to make sure it is a good one.

Mary looked puzzled. She gestured to the armchair opposite her own.

\- Sit down, tell me about this idea of yours…

\- You did tell me that your maid and her husband wanted to adopt?

\- So she told me, but we haven’t talked about it in a while.

\- Well, you know about my refugees charity. I was in charge of a young mother, who was pregnant. I just learnt that she died giving birth yesterday. She leaves her newborn baby girl, and a three-years-old boy. They’re bound for the orphanage. So, I was wondering…

\- You want to ask Anna and Bates if they would foster them?

\- Well, yes, that’s what I was thinking, but then I don’t know if it’s a good time for them, so that’s why I came to you first.

\- I think it’s a great idea. I’ll call for them right away.


	16. Chapter 16

\- Lady Mary? You sent for us? asked Anna as she entered the library, Bates tailing her.

\- Yes, do come in please, answered Lady Mary with a bright smile.

When they came closer, she gestured to the couch.

\- Please, sit down.

Anna and John looked at each other, puzzled. Never before had they been asked to sit down in the library with the masters. Mr Carson would faint, had he known. But they did as they were told, and looked expectantly at Lady Mary and Mrs Crawley.

\- Are you two still thinking of adopting? asked Lady Mary.

They looked even more confused. John answered:

\- Er, well, yes m’lady, we are. In a while.

\- Fine.

Mary turned to Isobel as she went on:

\- Mrs Crawley here has come to me with an interesting suggestion for you. I’ll let you explain, Cousin Isobel.

\- Well, started Mrs Crawley, you know that I work with a charity in Ripon, helping Russian refugees. One of my protégés died last night, during childbirth. She leaves two orphans, her newborn girl, and a three-years-old boy.

Anna had joined her hands in front of her mouth, understanding what Mrs Crawley was implying. Bates asked:

\- But what about their father?

\- I’m afraid there is no father, replied Isobel. They were going to be sent to the orphanage tomorrow, but I convinced the Head Nurse to keep them until Friday. So you can consider taking them. I understand that this is very sudden and that it is a very big decision to make, so I don’t need you to answer right now.

Anna was at a loss for words. She couldn’t quite process that completely unexpected turn of event. Something that was until a minute ago an unfocused dream some time down in the future, was suddenly a very real choice to make at that very moment. She was feeling completely overwhelmed. Bates seemed to manage to keep his focus a little better, and asked Mrs Crawley:

\- What do you know about their story?

\- I only know what their mother told me. Her name was Svetlana Ivanova. She was twenty-five years old. The boy’s name is Piotr, which is Russian for Peter. At the charity we called him Peter. He was born in Russia. Mrs Ivanova and her husband then decided to flee the country following the Soviet revolution. Unfortunately Mr Ivanov died of illness during the trip, and she came to England as a widow with her son.

\- So… continued John, the baby doesn’t have the same father? Had she remarried?

\- No.

Anna had silently listened to Isobel’s account, and at that moment, dread filled her:

\- So… how come she had another child?

\- I… hesitated Isobel, wondering if it was wise telling them the whole truth. But then she concluded that they deserved to know.

\- I’m afraid she got pregnant just as you did Mrs Bates.

Anna’s fears were confirmed. She suddenly felt a deep sorrow and an intense sisterly feeling for this unknown young woman who had been through the same ordeal as she had, on top of fleeing her country and losing her husband. Tears rolled on her cheeks. Isobel frowned at the sight of Anna’s distress.

\- I’m sorry Mrs Bates, I realize this must be quite unsettling for you to hear. But I want to be honest with you. You have the right to know that baby’s story.

\- Will you be alright Anna, asked gently Lady Mary, reaching to squeeze her hand.

Anna straightened herself, and wiped her tears.

\- Yes, thank you m’lady, I just… need a little time.

\- I know this is a lot to process right now. You take today to think on it, discuss it between the two of you, sleep on it. I’ll come back tomorrow morning, and you’ll tell me if you want to come visit them at the hospital. And please, feel free to decline, if you think this is not the right choice for you. I don’t want to put any pressure on you.

\- Thank you very much Mrs Crawley, answered Bates. Well… I think we should go back to work now, he added, taking Anna’s hand.

They both got up, but before going for the door, Anna looked back at Isobel and asked:

\- What is the baby’s name?

\- I think she doesn’t have one yet, replied Isobel, smiling.

As Anna and Bates disappeared out the door, Mary turned to Isobel, looking worried:

\- Was it necessary telling her that? I’m concerned it will just reopen her wounds…

\- I’m sorry, I hadn’t thought this through I guess.

\- Well, what’s done is done. I just hope she won’t be falling backwards. She was doing so much better lately.

Isobel looked at Mary with a fond smile:

\- You really do care a lot about her, do you?

\- Yes, I do, answered Mary somewhat proudly. She’s one of the only people who knows to bring out the best in me. The only other was really… but her words trailed into nothing, realizing who she was talking to.

\- Matthew you mean.

\- Yes, she whispered, a sudden surge of sadness washing through her. That’s why I am so very glad that I didn’t lose her too. Although I’ll probably lose her in a few months, when they go away buying their hotel. But at least she’ll be happy.

\- And you won’t lose her that way. She’ll always visit, and write.

\- I guess you’re right.

Isobel watched Mary for a few silent moments. Then she said flatly:

\- It feels lonely sometimes, being a grand Lady…

Mary sighed, and offered her a tight smile:

\- It does. Anyway, I must get going, she added, getting up from her armchair. Thank you for thinking of them. When will you be by tomorrow?

\- Around ten, if that’s alright with you?

\- Fine.

Mary rung for a footman to escort Isobel out. When Jimmy had opened the door to the library, she turned back to Isobel:

\- Have a good day, Cousin Isobel.

\- Have a good day Mary.

As she was walking back to Crawley House, Isobel thought about how different she felt about Mary now, compared to when she had known her first, all those years ago. Had the Lady changed so much, or had she misjudged her from the beginning, she couldn’t tell. Probably somewhere in the middle, she concluded. She thought back about the Bateses too, and hoped she had not been wrong coming up to them with this offer. Maybe it was too soon for them.

* * *

At the servant’s luncheon, Anna had appeared quite nervous and distracted, which had awoken Mrs Hughes's worry. She wondered if something had happened that had made her fall back into her old woes. As everyone was leaving the table, she discreetly asked her into her parlour.

\- Anna? Are you quite alright? You've seemed quite… unsettled at luncheon.

Anna offered her a smile, and explained:

\- No, no, I’m fine. It’s just… Well, I can’t tell you the whole thing yet, but Mr Bates and I have received some very unexpected news, and I need some time to wrap my head around it. But I promise you it’s nothing bad, she added, seeing the worry in the Housekeeper’s eyes. We’ll know more tomorrow, and I promise we’ll fill you in.

\- Alright… answered Mrs Hughes, quite puzzled.

As Anna went out, the older woman wondered briefly if she could be pregnant again.

Anna went straight to the boot room, where she found her husband. He stopped his work as soon as he saw her coming in. She put her hands flat on the table and asked:

\- John, I would like to go down to the church. I need to gather my thoughts, and I think praying there will help me. Would you come with me?

\- Of course my darling. Do you want to go now?

For him God and the church meant nothing, but he respected his wife’s beliefs, and he was ready to go anywhere with her if it helped her sort out her feelings. And anyway, some peace and quiet to think over Mrs Crawley’s offer did seem appealing to him too.

\- Why not. That way we won’t be in a hurry to come back before the gong.

\- Alright, let’s go, he said, reaching for their coats and hats.

\- I’ll just tell Mrs Hughes. Oh, and I told her something was going on, because she noticed I was a bit distracted at luncheon. But I didn’t tell her exactly what.

* * *

The church was empty when they entered it in this early afternoon. They went up the aisle hand in hand, just as they had done so many years ago when they had come to pray for William and Mr Matthew. And just as it had then, it reminded John of the wedding he had never been able to offer Anna, instead of the hasty and secret wedding they’d had. Another one of his failures to her. She had assured him then that she didn’t mind, as long as she had the right man. But he hadn’t even been that to her, otherwise she would never have had to live through all this nightmare. Anna turned to him and smiled, leading him to a bench on the side of the aisle. She let go of his hand, and knelt, joining her hands and resting her forehead on them. As he looked at her, this miracle wife of his, he wondered how any human being could want to hurt such a pure person. His only conclusion was that someone who would do that was not really human. He tried to shrug those thoughts off. Now was not the time to dwell on that bastard. He didn’t deserve his time. Now he had to focus on making a wise decision for them, and those children.

Anna spent a long time in this position, unmoving. She didn’t feel the soreness grow in her knees, as she was in deep conversation within herself. Her instinctive answer to Isobel was to accept right away. But did she deserve those children? Was she strong enough to be the mother they deserved? Being a mother was all she had ever dreamt of, but was she good enough, after what she had done? It then dawned on her, that maybe this was God’s plan, to send her those children, when she least expected them, as a challenge to make amend for the sin she had committed all those months before. That this little girl’s story was His way of offering her some kind of closure, a way to make up for the child she had turned away, and to honour that baby’s mother’s soul. A happy sense of purpose filled her whole. She knew she had made up her mind. Now her only concern was that John might not feel the same way.

When she looked up, and got up again, John was amazed by the way her face had changed in the space of those few moments. He always felt rather jealous that prayer could bring such comfort on a faithful person. That was not something that was granted to him.

\- Shall we go out? asked Anna.

\- Sure, he answered.

And they walked out hand in hand, in the same way they had walked in. He turned to her, as they were wandering in the churchyard:

\- So? Has it helped to make up your mind?

She smiled brightly at him:

\- It absolutely has.

\- Something in that smile tells me that you want to go through with this… he teased.

\- I do. I’ve come to understand that accepting this challenge that God is sending upon us would help me come to terms and feel at peace with not accepting the last challenge He sent me. I feel it is His way to tell me He has forgiven me. But then, I don’t want to push it on you if you don’t feel the same way, she quickly added, a little worried frown appearing on her forehead.

He deeply inhaled, and slowly started:

\- Well, I can’t say this is the way I planned for things to happen for us.

He paused for a few seconds, and seeing the tears threatening in her eyes, went on with a smirk:

\- But then, since when have things gone for us in any way we’d ever planned? This will only be one more unexpected turn of events, and I think we’ve grown used to them by now… At least that one is happy unexpected… Makes a nice change for once.

Anna was looking at him with such a fierce hope in her eyes, it took his breath away, and swept away the last bit of uncertainty he might have.

\- So… What are you saying? she asked. Do you think we should go to Ripon tomorrow and meet them?

\- I think we should my darling.

He almost lost his balance and fell backwards as Anna threw herself into his arms, sobbing.

\- Oh thank you John, thank you so much!

\- I told you I would love any child that would make you happy…

She lifted her tears-washed face to him and whispered:

\- I love you John.

\- I love you too Anna, he answered before bringing his lips down to hers.


	17. Chapter 17

Anna had great difficulties settling that night when John and she finally lay in their bed in the cottage. She had not mentioned the children subject to Lady Mary when she had undressed her, and the Lady had respected her silence. Now her brain was buzzing with thousands of questions, some theoretical, some very practical. Would the children like them? Did the boy speak English? How were they supposed to feed the newborn? How would they gather every item needed to take care of two young children, when they had nothing at the cottage? The baby would need a crib, some clothes, some diapers… Would she know how to care for a newborn, when she had virtually never been around babies for more than a few minutes at a time? How would they manage to keep on working and care for the children? Would Lord Grantham allow John to take some time off to settle them? She felt quite overwhelmed, as each question seemed to be followed by three others. She sighed loudly and turned on herself in the bed, coming closer to John, wondering how he could manage to read a book and concentrate on it. He looked up from it, noticing her uneasiness.

\- Is something wrong my darling?

\- No, I mean, it’s just… How can you be so calm? I’m so nervous about all this… I mean, we have nothing to accommodate young children. We both are working full-time with extended hours. How exactly are we going to manage this? Are we being reckless accepting Mrs Crawley’s offer?

He realized that she was really anxious, and brought his hand to caress her cheek:

\- Anna, breathe, my love.

She closed her eyes, and snuggled her cheek closer into the palm of his hand.

\- Do you remember what I told you as the pond? We will find our way. For a start, we both have years of time off due, that we have never used. So tomorrow we are going to go see Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes, and take it. I know Lady Mary won’t mind, after all it’s because of her that we’ll be needing it. And Lord Grantham surely will be understanding too. I mean, it’s rather exceptional circumstances. For later, well, we’ll discuss things with both Lady Mary and Lord Grantham, see if they are willing to accept some arrangement on our schedules. And at worst, we can always give our notice and live on our savings. We have enough to last a few months on it. I would rather save them and use them on refurbishing and launching our hotel, but we’ll make do. The London house is almost sold, so we’ll be able to start searching for a place soon. So it’s going to be tight for a few months, then we’ll be settled. If this is meant to be, we’ll find a way so that it comes to be.

Anna looked up at him, smiling fondly:

\- You’re so down-to-earth, I love you.

\- And as for baby stuff, there has been two babies at the Abbey in the last few years, I daresay Lady Mary will be glad to lend you some items until we are able to buy everything we need.

\- Do you have answers to everything? she smirked.

He chuckled.

\- I don’t pretend to. But I do have an idea to help distract you from your worries, he said with a saucy grin, bending over her and kneading her hip with his hand.

\- Mr Bates, you’re being naughty, she said, slapping him playfully on his chest.

\- But think about it darling, it might be our last days to enjoy such activities without being interrupted by crying children.

\- Oh Lord you’re right, she laughed. Oh alright then, she said, lifting her head to kiss him.

* * *

It was the end of a clear and cold December morning in Ripon, and the Bateses were walking swiftly to the hospital, following Mrs Crawley. Lady Mary had for a moment contemplated the idea of coming with them, but then she had felt she would be intruding on a private moment, and decided against it. But she was very much looking forward to seeing Anna again later in the day, and listen to her telling how it went.

Anna’s heart was beating like a mad clock in her chest, and she was holding on to John’s hand for dear life. Her hands were trembling, her legs felt wobbly, and she felt dizzy with anticipation. John was putting great effort in looking calm and composed for her, but deep down he was feeling just the same. As they walked, Anna noticed that he was holding a little paper bag into his hand.

\- What is this? she asked, gesturing to the bag.

\- Oh this? I may have “borrowed” a few cookies from Mrs Patmore’s tin. For the boy. You know, as a way to break the ice.

\- Oh, this is so sweet of you! she beamed.

When they entered the paediatric ward, Mrs Crawley knocked on the Head Nurse’s office, who let them in right away.

\- Hello Head Nurse, I’m here with Mr and Mrs Bates, whom I told you about, to meet the Ivanov children.

\- Yes, good morning.

The Head Nurse looked stern but kind, not unlike Mrs Hughes, thought Anna. She extended her hand in turn to all three of her visitors. Mrs Crawley asked:

\- How are the children doing?

\- Fine. The boy’s getting a little restless being kept closeted inside for three days. It’s not a place for a healthy child. And the baby is doing fine. She is starting to put on weight, which is good.

\- Mrs Bates here was asking me yesterday, does she have a name yet?

\- No, she doesn’t. Unfortunately her mother was too far gone by the time she was born to tell us what she wanted to name her. She was going to be named Mary if she was sent to the orphanage, since this is the traditional name for orphaned newborn girls. But if you take them, Mr and Mrs Bates, you can choose any name you’d like.

\- Thank you Head Nurse, answered Anna.

\- Now, I guess you’re dying to see them?

\- Yes, quite, admitted John.

\- Let’s go then. If you’d follow me, said the Head Nurse, leading them out of her office and into the ward.

She walked a short distance down the hallway, and gestured to the bed where the little boy was sitting with his knees folded against his chest, clutching to his Teddy.

\- There they are. I’ll let you all get acquainted. I’ll be in my office when you’re done.

When he saw these unknown people coming to him, the boy seemed to retreat further into himself, looking scared. Isobel sat next to him and said gently:

\- Hello Peter, do you remember me? I am Isobel, your mummy’s friend? We’ve met several times already.

The child studied her face and then seemed to recognize her. He straightened on the bed and asked her:

\- ‘Sobel, where mama?

John and Anna felt their heart break at the boy’s question. They realized how lost he must feel, surrounded by strangers in this strange place, his only family member gone without a goodbye.

Isobel smiled sadly at him, and took his hand:

\- Peter, do you remember what I told you? Your mummy has gone to heaven. She is with God now. Now, I am looking for a new mummy for you, and also a daddy.

\- Daddy? repeated the boy uncertainly.

He didn’t remember his own father. To him, “daddy” was only a figure his mother had shown him on a few pictures.

He looked up to Anna, then back to Isobel with an interrogative look in his eyes, and pointed to Anna:

\- Noo mama?

Anna felt her heart melt and she fought very hard to contain the tears that were threatening in her eyes. She smiled to the boy, but waited for Isobel to answer.

\- Maybe she could be your mama. This is Anna, she told the boy, gesturing to her, and this is John, pointing to him. Do you want to say hello to them?

The boy looked frightened and tried hiding behind Isobel. Isobel turned to pick him up and sat him on her lap.

\- Now, don’t be scared Peter, they are very nice.

She looked up to Anna and John:

\- Do you want to sit near me?

John looked to Anna, but she felt too overwhelmed to talk to the boy right away.

\- Go, she whispered to John. John sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to settle too close to Isobel and the boy.

He offered a warm smile to Peter, and said softly:

\- Hello Peter. I am John Bates.

He pointed to the stuffed bear the boy was still clutching to.

\- That’s a very pretty bear you have here. What’s his name?

\- Teddy! said the boy, holding it up to John.

\- Hi, Teddy, answered John, shaking the bear’s paw. Nice to meet you. And you Peter.

He carefully took out the paper bag from his jacket’s pocket, and held it out to the wide-eyed boy.

\- Oh, look, what do I have here? Do you want to look inside?

The boy tentatively held out his hand and took the bag. He looked inside it, and a wide grin lit his face.

\- Cooky! he exclaimed, reaching for one.

John seemed to have scored a point with him, because the boy let himself slip down from Isobel’s lap, and reached for his toy car. He proudly presented it to John, saying:

\- Car! Vroom!

\- Oh yes, that’s a very pretty car! I bet it goes very fast, answered John.

He looked up to Anna, sending her a little smile.

\- He seems to like you, she said.

For a few minutes, the baby had started to fuss, and was now crying in her crib. Peter pointed to her, and said:

\- Sister!

\- You’re right, this is your baby sister, said John.

Anna looked hopefully to Isobel and asked:

\- May I hold her?

\- Of course, nodded Isobel.

Anna bent over the crib and reached to pick up the wailing baby. She held her against her chest, her tiny head resting against her shoulder, and softly patted her back, whispering in her ear:

\- Hush, baby, hush, it’s alright.

It took only a few seconds for the little girl to soothe and go back to sleep, her head snuggled in the crook of Anna’s neck.

\- She seems to like you, noticed John playfully.

At that very moment, Anna knew she would never let go of these children. She wondered how she would be able to put that baby down and leave the hospital without her later. Her eyes met John’s, and the brightness in them told her he was feeling the same. They looked at each other for a moment, until Peter broke the silence, asking for another cookie. They both chuckled at the little boy’s newfound boldness. Isobel took Peter’s hand and told him:

\- Look, Peter, what if we took the cookie bag, and we went to eat them in the hospital’s garden. Then you can run a little bit, and we will let Anna and John talk for a while.

The boy took her hand, and Anna sent her a thankful smile as she went away with the boy. When they were left alone with the baby still sleeping against her heart, she looked up to John and said:

\- So…

\- What do you think darling?

A fierce determination in her eyes, she answered:

\- Those are our children. I know it. I feel it. What do you think?

\- I feel pretty much the same. This boy is a sweet lad. And this little one… he added, caressing her tiny cheek with his big fingers, she’s perfect.

\- You don’t have any doubts about that?

\- I don’t, he said flatly. And I don’t doubt that the sun will rise in the east either.

Hearing him repeat those words she had said to him several years ago, in such a different setting, a dam broke inside of her, and tears spilled out on her cheeks.

\- Oh my God, John, thank you… I’m so happy!

She settled the sleeping baby on her right arm, and came to snuggle into his embrace. They both cried in silence for a moment, until the baby fussed again. Anna straightened and asked:

\- So, how are we going to name you, little girl? Do you have any idea, she added, looking up to John.

\- I don’t know, do you have one?

\- How about Sophia? It means wisdom. Do you like it?

\- I do. Let’s go with Sophia then.

He looked down to the baby, and gently took her hand. The baby instinctively grasped on his finger as he whispered:

\- Hello little Sophia. It seems you and your big brother Peter are coming home with us.

He then lifted his gaze to Anna’s, and they exchanged a look of purest happiness, as their lips briefly met to seal their agreement.


	18. Chapter 18

Back at the Abbey, Anna only had time to put her coat and hat off and go up the stairs when Lady Mary came on to her, an expectant look on her face:

\- Anna! So? Tell me, please, the suspense is killing me!

Her Lady’s maid shining smile told her pretty much all that had to be said. Her own face lit up in response.

\- It seems it went well?

\- Oh, m’lady, I don’t know how to put it... It was… like love at first sight you know? Those children are so sweet!

\- I’m so happy for you and Mr Bates! Oh we have to talk to Papa right away.

\- I guess we do, indeed. And we’ll need to talk to Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes too.

\- When are you going to bring them back home?

\- Well the Head Nurse said she won’t keep them beyond Friday, so it’s either tomorrow or the day after. And honestly, the sooner the better, because I miss them already, Anna said with bright eyes.

\- Oh Lord, that is going to be the biggest and most sudden change in your lives.

\- You could say that m’lady, acknowledged Anna. But Mr Bates and I feel like it’s the right thing to do.

\- Alright, so go fetch your husband, and wait for me in the library. I’ll find Papa and join you.

* * *

Moments later, Bates and Anna had explained their plan to Lord Grantham. As they had hoped, he was thrilled for them.

\- Bates, Anna, I am so glad for you two. To be honest, for all this time you’ve been married, I was wondering what took you so long to start a family. Now I understand, and I’m very happy that you’ll have one.

\- Thank you very much m’lord, answered Bates.

\- Now, you’ve shared your news, added Lord Grantham with a mysterious smile, I have one for you too. You still intend to invest in a hotel?

\- Yes m’lord, we do. My mother’s house in London is about to be sold, so we’re going to start searching.

\- Well, maybe you won’t have to search too long. I just learnt that the Grantham Arms is on sale.

Lady Mary looked at her father, a happy gleam in her eyes:

\- Oh really?! Well that would be just perfect! That way you can keep in touch with everyone here!

Anna chuckled. It warmed her heart to see Lady Mary so intent on keeping them close by.

\- Yes, that’d be nice, she answered. We’ll have to go and visit, see if it suits us, what price they’re asking…

\- Of course, acknowledged Lady Mary. I don’t want to influence you…

No one present really believed that, but no one contradicted her.

\- That’s a very good news indeed m’lord, said Bates. We’ll go check it out as soon as possible.

They went on discussing the practical management of the children’s arrival. Lord Grantham and Lady Mary agreed to give both Anna and John a month off to settle them. They declined them giving out their notice before they had settled where they were going to go next, preferring to keep them on a lighter schedule. Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes were summoned to inform them of the big news. Mrs Hughes beamed when she heard about the imminent adoption. Mr Carson, being his usual self, looked rather grumpy at the idea of servants being parents. This unexpected situation did not fit into his frame of mind. He considered that the Bateses should have handed their notice since they couldn’t continue to fulfil their whole duties. He did not like that so many rules were being bended to accommodate them. To him this was setting a dangerous precedent, and they risked any servant coming to ask for arrangements to suit their own private life. But then he had to admit that Anna and Bates were more than just servants to Lady Mary and Lord Grantham, and he was not the ultimate decision maker, so he could only accept it. Besides, his fondness for Lady Mary brought him to adapt to any situation that she agreed to. If the Lady was willing to keep her Lady’s maid even when she was busy with two young children, he had nothing to say about that. The six of them were ready to part and go on with their day, when Anna asked:

\- Mrs Hughes, Mr Carson, would you please not tell anyone downstairs yet?

\- Of course Anna, nodded Mrs Hughes.

It seemed right that the Bateses chose when and how they shared their news with the rest of the household.

* * *

It seemed that they wanted to keep it to themselves a little while longer, because they did not mention it to anyone at luncheon, tea or dinner that day. The other servants only noticed that they both looked unusually happy, and that it made a big change from a few months before. Anna had only confided in Baxter that afternoon when they were alone in the laundry room, and her friend had been thrilled at the news. As Anna and John walked hand in hand towards the cottage in the cold December night, their hearts were glowing so warm that they did not feel the cold.

\- Can you believe that tomorrow at that same hour we’ll be at home with two children? marveled Anna.

John chuckled:

\- I know… If someone had told us that last week, we would’ve thought they were mad as hatters…

\- We’ll have to decorate the cottage for Christmas this year! Our first Christmas as a family… Oh Lord I may say it out loud but I still can’t wrap my head around it…

As they were coming close to the cottage, John suddenly stopped on the path:

\- What is this?

There was a big black form in front of the cottage’s door. In the night from the distance they couldn’t quite distinguish what it was, so they walked faster, until they came to the door, and gasped. Several big cardboard boxes were standing there, in front of their door, along with a pram. They looked at each other, bewildered, until Anna noticed an envelop taped to one of the boxes. She took it and opened it. Tears came to her eyes, as she read the note and recognized Lady Mary’s handwriting. She read it out loud for John:

\- “Here are a few things I thought you might need for the little ones. Keep them as long as you need them (I shouldn't be needing them shortly). I am so very glad for both of you, and these children, who are very lucky that you have found them. Yours, Mary Crawley”. Oh Lord, dear, dear Lady Mary… That’s why she looked so mysterious tonight!

Looking at all the boxes, John replied:

\- Gosh, she really went out of her way… How did she manage to get all this delivered here without anyone noticing??

\- I guess I’ll learn that tomorrow. Now we should really get all this inside before we both freeze.

When they had brought all the boxes inside, lit the lights and the fire and put down their winter clothes, they started going through the content of the boxes. Besides the pram, they found a Moses basket, a high chair, some baby bottles, a handful of toys, and several dozens of baby clothes. As she was checking a pile of clothes, Anna picked out a very beautifully embroidered white baby dress, that she instantly recognized, having herself worked on it. She suddenly felt overwhelmed and broke into tears. John came rushing to her right away, looking worried:

\- Lord, Anna, what’s the matter? Is something wrong?

Anna shook her head, and hid her face into his chest until she was able to collect herself. As she wiped her cheeks, she half-laughed, and tried to reassure John:

\- No, no, darling, nothing’s wrong. Look, she went on, showing him the white baby dress, this is George’s christening dress. That’s too much from Lady Mary, she shouldn’t have…

\- Oh wow, it is really beautiful.

\- Thank you, answered Anna, I sewed it myself.

\- Really? Well then I guess Lady Mary thought it was only fair that you got to christen your own child into it…

\- That’s so thoughtful of her. Oh my God… I guess I can’t quite believe that this is really happening. We are about to be parents…

\- Yes we are, my love, he said, taking the dress from her hands and carefully putting it down on the nearby table, before picking her up from her feet into a passionate kiss.

It was quite late that night when they finally settled to sleep, after having put away everything as best as they could. They would still need to find a little bed for the boy, and a new chest of drawers to put the children’s clothes into. Anna had fallen asleep as soon as her head had touched the pillow, exhausted by the emotional toll of the day. However, a few hours later, John woke up to the sound of her muffled sobbing. She startled a little bit when his hand reached out to her.

\- My darling, what’s wrong?

\- Nothing… I’m just being silly, she whispered.

John shifted in the bed to come closer to her and wrap his arms around her shaking frame.

\- Come on, you’re not silly. Tell me. It’s alright to be afraid.

\- I’m not… I just… I had a nightmare.

\- Oh. Again?

She had not had any in quite a long time, so he was feeling quite down cast to hear that.

\- But not that kind, she explained. I dreamt we went to the hospital and the children were gone, someone had taken them before us.

\- Oh.

He couldn’t tell her, but he was relieved that it was not some memories of that bastard that had come back to haunt her again.

\- Well, as you said, it was only a nightmare. They’ll be there tomorrow when we go pick them up. You know that?

\- Yes, I do. I’m stupid.

\- You’re not stupid Anna. It just shows how long we have hoped for this to happen.

She turned around and snuggled her face in the crook of his neck, breathing him in.

\- We surely have, she whispered, before going back to sleep, as he gently stroked her blond hair.

* * *

And indeed there were the children, when at ten o’clock the next morning, they entered the hospital ward to collect them. Mrs Crawley was already there, and waited for them with the children ready and a little suitcase sitting on the bed. She welcomed them with a large smile:

\- Good morning Mrs Bates, Mr Bates! I was just talking with Peter about his new home and his new mummy and daddy. Are you ready to go Peter? she asked, turning to the little boy.

The child looked at John and Anna hesitantly. He seemed to gather his courage, and went to grab John’s hand, looking up to him:

\- Cookie?

All three adults laughed out loud at the boy’s bold request. John sat on the edge of the bed, as it was difficult for him to crouch to face Peter.

\- No, Peter, I haven’t got any cookie this morning, I’m sorry. But I’ve come to take you and the baby home with me, and Anna, and maybe we can make some cookies later. Alright? he said, patting the boy’s cheek.

Mrs Crawley turned to Anna and John, giving him the suitcase.

\- There, I have packed all the boy’s clothes, there wasn’t too many of them I’m afraid… In the suitcase you’ll also find an envelop where I put everything I found at their mother’s that could be of interest to them later. You know, family pictures, letters, such things. There’s also a few books that belonged to her. I trust that you will know to make good use of them when the children are older. The Head Nurse will give you the boy’s and the baby’s birth certificates. Of course, her surname will be Ivanova, until you have legally adopted them.

\- Yes, of course, nodded Anna. Thank you so much, Mrs Crawley. We can never tell you how grateful we are for what you did for us.

\- Oh, nonsense, I like to think that I played a happy little game of “family matchmaker”, she answered brightly.

The new family walked quietly in Ripon’s streets at the end of this sunny December morning. Before going back to Downton, Anna and John had decided to visit a few shops with the children. They went to a carpenter’s shop, to order a child’s bed for Peter and a chest of drawers, and bought a few more clothes, including a warm coat and winter shoes for the boy, who was freezing in his light clothes. They carefully avoided Mrs Wiggins’ haberdashery’s surroundings, and the herbalist street.

As they were strolling back to the bus stop to make the journey back to Downton, they had to cross the bridge over the Skell. Anna came to a halt on the bridge, silently watching the very place where she had considered letting herself fall into the river, almost two years ago. She was holding Peter in her arms, and suddenly held tighter to him, as if he could disappear suddenly. Following her gaze’s direction, John understood what was on her mind. He put the suitcase on the pavement, and circled her waist with his free arm. The other one was holding Sophia.

\- Are you alright my darling, he whispered in her ear.

She looked up to him, tears shining in her eyes.

\- I am, she replied. Back then I thought I would never say that again some day, but right now, I am happy.

A smile lit up her face as she left a light kiss on Peter’s cheek.


	19. Chapter 19

At three o’clock in the morning the following night, Anna was pacing the sitting-room back and forth, holding a wailing Sophia, while John was hastily warming some water to make her a bottle. They had left Peter asleep upstairs in their room. Having no bed yet for him, they had had no other choice than to settle him between them in their own bed, and truth be told, they had not minded. It felt so good to feel his tiny warm form sleeping next to them. Sophia was sleeping in her cot right next to Anna, close enough so that she could listen to her breathing and put a hand on her tummy without getting up. As the baby was howling more and more, John hurried to fill in the bottle and count the formula doses. They had chosen to buy the newly patented infant formula, following the hospital doctor’s advice. Obviously they could not afford a wet nurse to feed the newborn, and the doctor had warned them about giving her plain cow or goat milk, as was common at the time for babies who could not be breastfed. According to the paediatrician, the formula was much better for her health and growth, so, despite the higher cost, they had decided to go for it. They wanted to give their little girl the best they could afford. When the bottle was at last ready, John went back to Anna and handed it to her.

\- There you go darling, I checked the temperature.

As Anna took it, he noticed the tears in her eyes.

\- Hey, love, what’s up? Nothing’s wrong with her you know, she’s just hungry and impatient…

\- I know, I know, she said, sitting on the sofa and settling Sophia to give her the bottle. I’m just being silly. It’s just… you know, when I hear her wailing like that, all I want to do is open up my nightgown and give her my breast… But there’s nothing there for her. I can’t be a real mother to her, she concluded, wiping her cheeks with her sleeve.

\- Oh, Anna, come on, don’t say that. Of course you’re a real mother to her! You’re up at three in the morning, tending to her every needs. And you worry! That’s what mothers do, he added, chuckling.

Anna looked up to him with watery eyes, and smiled.

\- Thank you John. I love you.

John was putting a kiss on her forehead when he head a light creak behind him. As he turned around, he saw Peter standing on the first stair.

\- Hey, lad, what are you doing up? he gently asked.

\- Baby sad? asked the boy in return, pointing to his little sister.

\- Oh no, she’s not sad, she’s just hungry. Look, she’s happy now with her bottle.

John took Peter’s hand and led him near Anna and the baby so that he could see her fiercely sucking on the bottle. But then the boy looked up at Anna and saw the remaining tears in her eyes.

\- ‘Na, sad? he asked again.

Anna smiled at him and bent over to kiss the top of his head. John answered:

\- Don’t worry Peter, Anna is not sad. She’s very happy to have you both. She’s just being emotional, like every new mothers, he added, looking back to her and winking cheekily. Now, my boy, he went on, let’s go upstairs and get you back to bed while Sophia finishes her bottle.

A while later, John had fallen back asleep near Peter in the bedroom. After changing Sophia’s nappy, Anna had sat in the sofa, holding her close to her chest, waiting for her to go back to sleep. They both had dozed off for about an hour, but then the baby had started fussing again. Seeing that she had a hard time settling down, and afraid that she would wake Peter and John one more time, Anna put on her coat, wrapped Sophia in a thick plaid, and went to walk outside in their backyard. The night was not so cold for a December, and she hoped fresh air would help the little one go back to sleep.

Moments later, John woke up in their bed. He instantly reached out and his hand met Peter’s sleeping form. He then held himself up on his elbow, and saw that neither Anna nor the baby were there. He went silently went downstairs to check if they had fallen asleep on the sofa, and when he found the sitting-room empty, panic washed over him, as the memory of the last time he had found his home empty in the middle of the night filled his mind. In a split second he imagined Anna falling back into her past fears, and leaving with the baby to do something stupid. His heart raced as he called softly:

\- Anna?

Tears came to his eyes as he was hastily putting his coat on. Just as he was tearing himself up over whether he should go out to look for her and leave Peter unsupervised, he felt a rush of cold air and noticed the back door left ajar. He rushed to it and swung it open, and finally let out the breath he had not felt he had been holding. Anna was out there in the back yard, and he could hear her softly singing some lullaby to the wrapped-up baby. He laughed at his own silliness as tears began to roll down his cheeks. When she heard the door open, Anna looked up to him, and started walking back to the house.

\- I think she’s finally gone back to sleep for good, she whispered as she entered back into the house, walking past John.

She held the baby out to John so that she could put her coat off. When she looked back to him after hanging the coat, she noticed the tears on his cheeks.

\- John! What’s wrong?

He felt split between relief and shame at having doubted Anna’s intentions towards herself and the baby. He shook his head:

\- Now, it’s my turn being silly I guess. I woke up and didn’t find you anywhere, and I … sort of panicked… I was afraid… I’m sorry, that was just stupid.

\- Afraid of what, John? she asked reluctantly as she was slowly realizing what John had really feared.

As he opened his mouth to answer, she silenced him with a finger on his lips.

\- No, don’t say it, I know.

She cupped his cheek with her cold hand, and looked him in the eyes:

\- John, listen to me. This, is over. You won’t lose me. Or the children. I love you, and I love them, and I’ll always be there for the three of you. Do you hear me? You don’t have to fear, alright?

He silently nodded, as he brought his own hand to covers hers on his cheek. He slowly turned his head to leave a kiss into her palm.

\- I’m sorry I doubted you. It was irrational.

\- Don’t be sorry. You had very good reasons to. But these are past us now. And they won’t come back. I promise.

They stood for a moment in silence, forehead against forehead, Sophia tucked in between them, until Anna said in a whisper:

\- Shall we go back to bed now? I’m rather freezing…

* * *

It was tea time in the servants’ hall the next day, and everyone was gathering around the large table. As she was putting down the kettle on the table, Daisy asked around:

\- When are Mr and Mrs Bates coming back? Why did they have to take some time off all of a sudden?

Mr Carson answered sternly:

\- Not that it’s any of your business Daisy, but they had some family matters to settle.

\- Oh.

One could tell that the girl’s curiosity was not satisfied, but she didn’t dare ask further.

\- You might have more answers soon, Daisy, don’t worry, said Mrs Hughes with a mysterious smile.

Outside, a few yards away, Anna and John were slowly making their way up to the Abbey. Anna was pushing the pram as John was holding his cane in one hand, and Peter’s hand in his other. They were going much slower than their usual pace, as the three years-old kept strolling away, this way and that, each time anything caught his attention. Anna and John kept exchanging the proudest of looks, beaming with happy anticipation at the thought of finally showing off their new family to the household.

A few minutes later, they were entering the servants’ hall. They stood there for a few seconds, silently smiling, before chatter slowly died down as everyone started staring at them with stunned looks on their faces. John finally chuckled, and said:

\- Good afternoon everyone.

Mrs Patmore, alarmed by the unusual silence that had fallen upon the usually noisy servants’ hall, came out of her kitchen, and froze still in front of the Bateses.

\- What is going… Oh, Mr Bates, Anna, hello. But… what… who are those two little ones? she asked when she had registered the children’s presence.

John’s face lit up with the biggest of grins, as he replied:

\- Well, Mrs Patmore, thank you for asking.

He turned to face the servants’ table, and said louder:

\- Everyone, may I introduce Peter, and Sophia, our children. That is, our adoptive children, of course.

More than a few mouths were gaping, and soon the assembly dissolved into cheers and happy greetings. Even Thomas seemed to have forgotten his usual sneer, and seemed genuinely glad. Mrs Hughes got up and came to give Anna a warm hug:

\- Oh Anna, you don’t know how happy I am to see you both so happy…

\- Thank you Mrs Hughes.

All the noisy cheering had scared the poor Peter, who had hidden himself behind Anna’s and John’s legs, and was tightly holding onto John’s leg. John bent over and picked him up. Pointing to Mrs Patmore, he told the little boy:

\- See Peter, this is Mrs Patmore, the lady who made the cookies.

Looking up to the cook, who was beaming at them, he explained:

\- I won this lad’s heart with a few of your delicious cookies.

\- Oh really, she exclaimed. So, tell me Peter, would you like more cookies?

\- Cookies!! blurted the boy.

\- Ha ha, laughed the formidable cook, that boy seems to have a sweet tooth. Come with me Peter, I’ll show you my little secret box.

John put him down, but the boy seemed hesitant to follow the yet unknown lady, so he tugged on John’s hand to bring him along. When the three of them were in the kitchen, John said:

\- He doesn’t just have a sweet tooth, this boy has the largest appetite. I never thought such a small child could eat so much. I’m starting to think he’s been hungry for a while now…

\- You could say so, look how he’s only got the skin on his bones, poor lad… replied Mrs Patmore with a sad smile. Well I will not let it be said that he will go hungry in my kitchen! Come here Peter, help yourself, she told the boy, holding her cookie jar open for him.

John and Anna spent a nice time telling everyone how they had come to meet the children, and what they intended to do in the near future. They had planned to visit the Grantham Arms in a few days, and everyone around them agreed that it would just be perfect for them to move in the village. A little while later, Mrs Hughes put a friendly hand on Anna’s shoulder, and whispered to her ear:

\- I’m afraid Lady Mary has asked me to make the four of you go upstairs to say hello as soon as I saw you… I think she’s dying to meet the little ones.

\- Oh, yes, of course, said Anna.

She turned back to John and nudged him on his arm:

\- John, I think the family wants to meet them too. We should pop upstairs and say hello.

\- Oh, right, sure darling.

As they were both standing up and starting to make their way upstairs, Mrs Hughes added:

\- I think you will find the family in the drawing-room.

\- Alright, see you later, said Anna, smiling back to the Housekeeper.

Emerging from the servants’ staircase, they started crossing the Great Hall to knock on the drawing-room’s door, when Peter suddenly stopped in his tracks. Turning back to him, Anna saw that he was standing still, staring quite mesmerized at the giant and richly lit Christmas Tree on display in the corner of the Great Hall. His little mouth was gaping, and his eyes shone, as he had clearly never seen anything quite as majestic in his short life. Anna crouched down beside him, and said softly:

\- It is a beautiful tree, isn’t it Peter? How about tomorrow we make one for ourselves at home?

\- Big tree at home? asked the wide-eyed boy.

\- Well, ours won’t be as big of course, but we’ll put plenty of ornaments on it. And all around the house. Because soon it will be Christmas and we are very happy to spend Christmas with you and baby Sophia.

As Peter dragged Anna nearer the tree to take a better look at it, the door of the drawing-room opened, and Lady Mary appeared.

\- Oh, Anna, Bates, I thought I heard voices! I’m so glad you came!

\- Well, we wouldn’t have missed an occasion to show our children off m’lady, answered John with a gleam in his eyes.

\- Bates, my dear fellow, boomed Lord Grantham, joining them in the Hall.

The Lord gave his valet a warm handshake and a pat on his shoulder.

\- Congratulations my man, and you too Anna. So, let’s see those lucky little tikes.


	20. Chapter 20

April was blooming around Downton estate, and the Bates family was up and about on this early morning.

\- Peter, be careful with your pretty clothes! Don’t get messed up, we’ll be leaving very soon! warned Anna to the boy who was eagerly riding his tricycle on the pathway in front of the cottage.

The inside of the house was packed with moving boxes, as the family relocation into the private lodging of the Grantham Arms was scheduled in a week. After their December visit, they had decided to buy the small hotel, and were planning to keep it closed for a month in order to freshen it up and modernize it before reopening.

\- Nana, look, Peter go fast!

\- Yes dear, but be careful! You don’t want to go all dirty to the church on your Christening day!

The boy was wearing his finest Sunday suit for the Christening ceremony starting in an hour, and Anna was getting worried that this would end into a clothing disaster. She looked up and smiled when she heard John coming back from upstairs, holding four months-old Sophia dressed in the gorgeous white embroidered frock lent by Lady Mary. Both children were being christened that day. Peter had already been baptized orthodox as a baby back in Russia, but Anna had wished to christen him into the Church of England, because she wanted all members of her family to belong to the same Church. In the last four months, the boy had adjusted fairly well to his new living environment. He was a good-natured child, and had developed an affectionate relationship with both Anna and John, but from time to time, one could notice that he was still struggling with memories of his previous life. He had started calling John “Daddy” pretty quickly, but he had a hard time calling Anna “Mummy”, as he still remembered his birth mum. That was rather painful to Anna, but she tried her best not to show it, and knew that time was her best ally. For the time being, she was known as “Nana”. Peter would occasionally throw major tantrums over the most meaningless reasons. Anna and John had been quite taken by surprise when that had happened for the first time, being rather clueless as to how they should handle that kind of behaviour. But they had slowly learnt that patience was the best tool in those situations, and that after having yelled and kicked at whatever he could, the boy would return back to his usual self. The night crisis were another handful. The boy slept fairly well, but some nights he would wake up screaming and calling desperately for his “Mama” and mumbling words in Russian that John and Anna did not understand. Those were really hard on Anna, because she remembered all too vividly how it felt to wake up completely lost and filled with this primal fear that would overwhelm all of one’s senses. She usually ended up holding Peter tight and rocking him gently, crying with him, until they both managed to fall back to sleep. Apart from those difficult moments, settling down as a family had been a daily joy for John and Anna. Sophia was thriving, and Peter was very protective of her. He had been the one who had earned her first laugh a few days earlier. The close bond between the two children made their parents very happy.

\- Well, I think this young lady is finally ready! stated John. We should get going, we don’t want to be late, darling.

\- Yes, let’s go, replied Anna, putting her Sunday coat and hat on. Peter! Park your tricycle, we are going dear!

As she put Sophia down in the pram, John grabbed his cane and went outside to collect the boy, and the four of them started walking to the Church.

Isobel Crawley was standing in front of the Church, chatting with Lady Mary and Mrs Hughes when the Bates family came into sight. As she was the reason they had come to meet the children, Anna and John had asked Mrs Crawley to be Sophia’s godmother, which she had gladly accepted. Lady Mary had been willing to be Peter’s. Anna had hesitated for a long time before gathering the courage to ask her mistress, but she had witnessed the Lady’s fond attitude towards the little boy, who had become Georges’s well-appreciated playmate in the nursery, so she had finally made up her mind and suggested it. Lady Mary had appeared flattered to be trusted with this role, and she had liked the idea that they would keep some sort of official bond between Anna and herself, even if she would not be her maid any more in a few day’s time. John and Anna came to meet and greet all the people present, and the small assembly proceeded to the inside of the Church.

After the ceremony, everyone made their way back to the Abbey, where Mrs Patmore and Daisy had insisted on throwing a fancy luncheon, celebrating the children’s christening but also as a farewell party for Anna and John, who were leaving their duties at the end of the following week. The moment had that bittersweet taste to both of them, when one willingly turns a page of one’s life, to move on to better things, but with a powerful nostalgia nonetheless. The Abbey had been Anna’s home for more than half her life, and John’s for more than a decade, and their inhabitants, with their qualities and faults, were the closest thing they had to a family. The Abbey was the place where they had met, and where their love had blossomed, even if there had been so many hardships too. So there were more that one tearful moment, even though everyone kept reminding themselves that they were only moving into the village, and that they would keep visiting every other day. It felt like the end of an era in Downton Abbey’s servants’ hall, Anna being one of the most ancient servants of the household still in place, besides Mr Carson, Mrs Hughes and Mrs Patmore. But life went on, and it was time for them to start another chapter of their story.

Later that night, when the children had been put to sleep in the nursery, Anna and John were quietly settling in bed. Anna came to cuddle close to John, sighing.

\- Isn’t it strange, to think that after all this time, we are finally leaving service… I can’t really realize that it will soon be over. No more “Yes Mr Carson”, “Will that be all m’lady”… Being our own employers, after waiting so long.

\- How do you feel about this? asked John, shifting to face her, stroking her hair.

\- I don’t know… Happy of course. Maybe a bit scared too. I hope the hotel business will go well. I hope we and the children manage to make a home in that new place. I mean, this was our very first home.

\- Sure. But we also had some very hard times here, and at the Abbey, we’ve faced things no couple should have to face. To be honest I don’t mind leaving all this behind and starting afresh. And to me, any place would feel like home, as long as you’re in it. My home is right there beside you, he concluded, trailing light kisses along the side of her neck.

She smiled, twisting her neck to grant him more access. A light moan escaped her lips, and she whispered:

\- Mr Bates, you silly beggar…

\- Yes my darling, your silly beggar. Always, he answered as he intensified his kissing spree.

His hand was starting to undo the front buttons on her nightgown, when Sophia’s cry echoed across the hall. John’s head fell on Anna’s shoulder, defeated.

\- Oh Lord we really need to teach that child about timing…

Anna chuckled as she got up. Looking back at him while she made her way to the door, she sent him a saucy wink:

\- Don’t fall asleep Mr Bates, I’m not done with you yet…

A few minutes later, she was back sitting on the bed.

\- So, where were we… Ah, yes, I think I remember you were trying to rid me of this, she said as she pulled her nightgown over her head.

Tossing the gown on the floor, she hovered over John, opening his own night shirt and peppering kisses on his chest.

\- Why, Mrs Bates, you’ll be the death of me… he laughed as his hands roamed her body.

\- Sweet death I hope, she replied with the hottest gleam in her eyes, before claiming his mouth as hers.

* * *

Two days before Sophia’s first birthday, Anna and John were sitting in their private apartment at the back of the Grantham Arms, chatting with Mrs Hughes and Miss Baxter. Anna had kept in close touch with the two women since their move from the Abbey. Mrs Hughes had sort of endorsed a grand-mother role to the two children, and even Miss Baxter felt a bit like an aunt to them. Anna and Phyllis had been close friends ever since their common story more than two and a half years before. Lady Mary also sometimes came to visit with George, and the two boys enjoyed playing together.

\- So, how are my two favourite little people doing? asked Mrs Hughes as Anna was serving them tea.

\- Good, good, she answered. Peter is growing up so fast, I’m having a hard time keeping the pace to sew him new clothes…

Being adequately nourished had indeed done wonder on the boy, who didn’t look any more like the skinny little lad he was when they had met him. He had grown like a wild flower, and was now a sturdy four years-old, with round cheeks and solid limbs. He had also proved himself to be a very clever and intuitive child and never ceased to amaze and exhaust his parents by pestering them with millions of questions.

\- And Sophia is about to take her first steps. She keeps pushing chairs around the house, we are spending all day putting them back into their place, laughed John.

\- I can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s already one year-old, marvelled Phyllis. It seems only yesterday you brought her at the Abbey, this tiny little thing in her pram…

\- Tell me about it, replied Anna. It has been one heck of a year…

\- But a happy one, makes a nice change for once, said John.

\- And with the happiest ending too, added Mrs Hughes. When are you going to the courthouse?

\- Actually, later today. We have an appointment at half past four.

Mrs Hughes was referring to the Bates’ appointment at Ripon’s courthouse, to make the children’s adoption official. It had been a year-long process, but they were finally close to being legally Peter’s and Sophia’s parents. Mr Murray, Lord Grantham’s attorney had taken care of the paperwork. John had protested, and demanded to pay the legal fees for the procedure, but Lord Grantham had refused to hear about it, arguing that it would be his leaving present to the Bateses.

Indeed, night had fallen over Ripon and Christmas lights were glowing in the streets, when John and Anna made their way out of the courthouse later that afternoon. Eyes gleaming with joy and cheeks hurting from smiling, they started going down the outside stairs, when Anna suddenly said:

\- Let’s go celebrate! Let’s have a hot chocolate with cake in that nice teashop there, would you like that Peter?

\- Yay, cake! yelled the boy happily, clapping his hands.

When they were all settled around a table in the cosy and warm tea-shop, and steaming chocolate mugs were brought to their table, John lifted his cup and announced:

\- Right, so let me propose a toast, to our marvellous and now legal children, Peter William John Bates, and Sophia May Bates!

Both John and Anna’s eyes were shining with happy tears as they clicked their mugs together. Peter, who had meanwhile dug into his chocolate cake, looked up and lifted his mug too:

\- I wanna click too, Daddy!

John clicked mugs with him, when the boy turned to Anna, asking:

\- And Mummy too!

Tears were now running free on Anna’s cheeks as she happily clicked mugs with her son.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work's title from the Pretenders' song "I'll stand by you" 
> 
> Thank you to you, reader, for having read my story. Please leave a review, I'd like knowing what you think of this story!


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